Gus Grissle For Dogcatcher

Of course I'm not beholding to Gus Grissle in any way, shape, or form. That's not why I'm for him for dogcatcher. Hell, Gus isn't even from my party, the Democratic party. He's a Republican, usually the kiss of death for me. Those bastards, I wouldn't be for them if they handed out half dollars on the square. No way. But Gus ... I know Gus ... and I know Gus is more or less good with dogs. So I'm for him.

The fact of the matter is, Gus Grissle lives right up the street from me. On the other side of the Butlers' house. He drives by my place on the way to town or wherever, and he always waves. He's a good man, and if he says he can handle the dogs of our town, I basically believe him. He's more or less good with them.

This is a tough endorsement for one reason, and one reason only. I don't know how many of you have noticed yet, but thanks to some grumbling, I've sworn off politics online completely, that is, under my own name. Facebook and here on the blog. I've found that friends are very high maintenance when it comes to politics, and they're easily disturbed. And I can be very quick with the insults, the put-downs on everything in the putrid Republican universe. Leading some of these idiots -- my friends -- to dislike me. Block me, whatever. So I'm out of politics.

But ... dogcatcher? Surely even my namby pamby touchy-nerved wilting flower friends with their finger poised tremulously against the dislike/block button can't hold it too much against me for coming out for Gus Grissle for dogcatcher. Especially when they realize, this is the one Republican in the whole world I'm willing to endorse. Of course not for a job that is of any great value. It's dogcatcher. How bad could he screw it up? He's more or less good with dogs, I've seen how he is.

The job of dogcatcher came open when Merle Peaver died, and no one really wanted it, and Gus Grissle stepped forward. I'd say he deserves our respect for taking it on, and if he personally asks for my vote, being a neighbor and all, I'm not going to withhold it. People think dogcatcher's an easy job, but it isn't. You're not just chasing dogs till they disappear from sight. You've got them cornered, you're looking at snarling teeth and listening to a low growl. And this isn't your mother-in-law, they can't be tamed with chocolates.

Then there's the whole modern situation with friendly dogs. I know some of the dogcatchers we had back in the good old days. They were basically bag men. If a dog got loose, it was fair game. The law was the law. But that doesn't apply these days. Those guys are out. People baby their dogs now. Dogs are their babies. You try to bag one now and you're looking at being bagged yourself. That's how crazy people are. Don't write in, please, I like dogs. I'm just saying Gus is up against some regulations the old guys never faced.

Anyway ... And have you heard of drug runner dogs? They're trained in anatomy. They're trained to go for the jugular. Drug runners use every dirty trick in the book not to be apprehended. For them, the more feral a dog is, the better. They come through on the interstate. The cops pull one over, the dog goes ballistic and tears the patrolmen apart, then they head for the hills. They literally could come up over that hill right there, just south of here, from the interstate, and take me down. Maybe Gus is thinking of that. He's my first line of defense.

Those are the dogs that are very far removed from our cuddly ones. Or the higher class dogs like at dog shows. Do I think Gus would make a good dog show judge? No. He's more or less good with dogs, like I said, but to have to run his hand over their silky fur, then reach around and feel their bottoms, I can't see him doing that. Fortunately, that's not even in the cards. That's for someone else.

I guess I've probably given enough evidence as to why Gus Grissle would make a great dogcatcher. If you feel like crossing party lines and voting for a Republican, I know he'd appreciate your vote. Your vote, like mine, will be a token of trust in a good man, more or less good with dogs, who I believe can get the job done. Find the dogs, see that they get back to their owners. Or, if they're drug dogs, at the very least run them out of the county, and hopefully catch them and do whatever you do with a feral dog. Nothing good, I'm guessing.

Vote Grissle!

grandmaslump.com

I can't keep anything under wraps for long. The guys at Wikileaks, always revealing my secret plans for the blog, leaked it a few days ago. And now I can announce it officially as true. I have a brand new address: grandmaslump.com.

Yes, I've joined the big boys, with my very own "dot com," hopefully not just in time for the bubble to burst!

I've had my grandmaslump.blogspot.com address for quite a while, so it was a complete shock to me that grandmaslump.com was even still available. But it was!

The honest-to-God truth is maybe it wasn't available, if you know what I mean. But the government has the means to twist a few arms when they want to. So let's say some other guy had grandmaslump.com. They put pressure on him to give it up, which is only right, because it was meant for me.

You're probably wondering why I made the switch after all these years. So here's the real deal. As part of the government's push to make the homeland safe, they've been designating certain internet sites as vital to the national interest. And because I gave a couple hundred bucks in the last election cycle, and with 2012 looming, and them hoping my generosity will continue, I qualified. I am officially "vital to our national interest"!

Seriously, the Department of Homeland Security contacted me one day, offered to pay for the domain name, and after making them pass the sniff test, I accepted. Simple. And they were more than generous. It's not just for one year like I was expecting. It's for life! Isn't that something! I've got the grandmaslump.com domain forever! [I'm fist-pumping the air.]

The ironic part about it is this, that I actually think the Department of Homeland Security is by and large a lot of crap. We had 9/11, the powers that be "didn't see that one coming," so now we need an entire department just to sit around and buy people websites. LOL, it's ridiculous! Hell, one of my neighbors got his driveway graveled for nothing, just because the police occasionally turn around in it to chase a speeder. This guy's driveway is "vital to our national security"! Anything to spend money .... and keep us safe! :)

The way the Department came about, though, if memory serves, is that the Democrats proposed it, of which I am one. The Republicans were against it, then they embraced it and it took on a more Republican slant and was even promoted by them, and dare I say, exploited by them. Remember all the duct tape we bought? Someday archaeologists will be digging through a mound, come to a stash of duct tape, and immediately pin it as "post 9/11."

We had -- oh, what was that clown's name? -- that big doofus from Pennsylvania ... -- I'm drawing a blank -- oh, yeah! Tom Ridge! He was George W. Shithead's man, and he kept us busy, didn't he! The alert is red, orange, blue, chartreuse, the chart is throbbing, the thermometer's exploding at the top! Then, fortunately, the 2004 election was over, Shithead was again ensconced in the White House, and we were safe!

But by now they had all this money. So they threw it at crazy stuff. I literally saw wheelbarrows of cash being pushed down the street, with the wheelbarrows having the Department's logo on the side. They turned in to this big heavy-duty truck shop and came out with a Command Post for the local police, something like $250,000. An armor-plated Winnebago. Meaning the July 4 parade would be safe, since that's what they did with it. Parked it at the main junction, monitored the crowd, and sold cotton candy out the window.

Now, with the next election season upon us, they're cozying up to guys like me, and I can't complain. I'm happy to have my own web domain. Ten bucks a year ain't chickenfeed! And since it's for life, and let's say I live another 25 years, that's roughly ... hundreds of bucks ... Unless, and this is my biggest fear, we get another idiotic Republican president and he cuts the funding, with Obamadomains going down the tubes.

But I'm going to live for today, not for what is to come. And today I have "grandmaslump.com," giving my blog some real credibility. You realize, I hope, that yahoo.com and google.com are dotcoms just like me. Once upon a time, any schmuck could've registered google.com. Think about it. It was just sitting out there! I could've registered google.com once upon a time, then what became Google might have been grandmaslump.com. People would be looking up stuff on the internet, saying, "I grandmaslumped it!"

Today, thanks to the Department of Homeland Security -- and their tireless work protecting the Fatherland and upholding the Motherland -- you can "grandmaslump" it. Just by checking out my blog, not at the old address, although that will still work, but at the newer, better, bigger web address!

Put This In Your Pipe: "Rep. Joe Wilson"

SPECIAL COMMENT
By Our Editor,
George Staphylococcus

Yesterday this blog took the bold step of insisting on the forgiveness of a Republican, Rep. Joe Wilson.

Some of our mail has not been kind. There have been a few articles written, taking us to task for breaching "progressive orthodoxy," whatever that is and whoever it is who decides it.

From those on the left, we have heard, questioning our progressive bonafides. And from those on the right, we have heard, questioning our sincerity, and insinuating that even if we were sincere, this Joe Wilson issue is a scandal best dealt with "in house," i.e., among his own brethren, and that they frankly resent any meddling from a progressive site.

Point taken. We remember how there have been serious infractions on our side as well -- John Kerry's "botched joke" being an enormous scandal -- and indeed those of the right sat silently on the sidelines, refusing to supplement an already inflamed situation with gasoline that one could add. It was for us to work it out on our own, having received their blessing for a successful resolution. All they were concerned for was how long it would take us to get back to the virtues of responsible civil dialogue, which subsequently we did after consultations with Sen. Kerry, his apologies, and a grateful nation's forgiveness.

The Bush administration -- of which we were not proponents on several points -- at least always had an abiding concern for civil dialogue. As we fondly recall, they insisted on it to the point of "bending over backwards" if it meant each side might get along better. It was something we all could appreciate. But now, without those guiding principles as much in evidence, it is of course more in the nature of things that there will be legitimate suspicions and lingering doubts about our sincerity.

To our critics -- left and right -- let us ask for your patience to explain. To the left, let us say, we believe "progressive orthodoxy" is a work in progress; no one group has a monopoly on our common cause. Searching, stretching, and testing the limits of discourse has to be part of our enterprise. We believe just as you do, but it just so happens that we also believe in forgiveness and second chances, whether for those of our own philosophy or those of the loyal opposition.

And to the right, let us say, you are naturally suspicious. If you could trust your fellow man, that is, if you thought your fellow man could do anything right, could make progress at anything, you'd probably be progressives, as the very word suggests. But since you're conservatives, right-wingers, you doubt, and the things you say to your fellow Americans are often taken as demeaning. Yet, insofar as our objections can get a fair reception in your mind, let us say that we indeed were sincere. We believe that Rep. Joe Wilson, as bad as what he did was, deserves a second chance. To us, that's what America is all about.

Our site will continue to reach across the aisle. We will continue to look for middle ground, not the middle finger. We will not give up, but we will strive with resolutions for what brings out the best in all of us. We will look for what is common to Americans, period. Backbiting has no place in our vision of America. But making a "more perfect union" out of us all ... is all.

That's what we have to say about Rep. Joe Wilson, who we fervently believe needs to be forgiven and granted once again the trust that is typically given to Congressmen. Yes, perhaps we should train the "Wilson Cam" on him for a few years. There's no harm in that. If it catches him again doing evil, then we will likely advise counsel for him and again seek to bring him back into the fold. But say it catches him doing good! Then we will have something to celebrate together, that one who was lost has been found. That one who had wandered has been restored.

Let each one of us always hope for the best in all things, and in each other.

The Local Man Votes Democratic

The local man is the average guy, the salt of the earth. He cares about his country, his wife, his family, his dog. He wants the best for them and everyone. He embodies all the fine qualities that I have previously described as pertaining to the local man -- his local shopping habits, his sincere hometown pride, the way he roots proudly for the local team, and all the rest.

The local man has a mind and can think for himself, and doesn't need guidance (propaganda) from the city. He has plenty of time in the course of his day at the local level to read newspapers, to hear the news in the coffee shop, and to hobnob and otherwise confer with his fellow local men. They discuss the issues in a clear, levelheaded way, putting the pros and cons of each opinion in columns and drawing rational conclusions. Because he is essentially rational -- while being softhearted -- he strictly votes Democratic.

Loving his country as he does, he's careful never to vote for a Republican. (Possibly for dogcatcher, if there haven't been that many dogs running loose lately and the competency and mental disabilities of the Republican candidate isn't that pressing an issue.) To him, Republicans running for office is just another name on the ballot to give us a two party system to set us apart from dictatorships. But the Republican name is never a realistic choice. My friends, the local man is not suicidal, nor is he shortsighted.

When you get right down to it, the local man has good reasons to vote Democratic. For example, he feels disgust at the July 4th parade when the local Republican float comes by, yet pride a little later for the Democratic float. The Republican float usually has some scraggly people on it, mostly guys who've been bailed out of jail the night before and paid by the party so it will look like they have supporters. It's easy to recognize the guys on the float, sex offenders, drug dealers, pimps, and shoplifters. They're throwing out candy laced with poison and riddled with fish hooks and needles. This is the cream of the crop as far as the Republicans are concerned. But the Democratic float has prominent citizens, pleasant looking families, people with teeth and their hair combed, various do-gooders from the town, who eschew the crowd's applause, giving it back to the crowd as a matter of respect and camaraderie. The Democrats don't throw anything. But they're very busy handing the crowd bottles of cold water, low sugar candy, and informational tracts about the issues and the good solutions to our problems.

I don't blame Republicans for not wanting to ride the float themselves. You'd almost think they would, since they're mental anyway, what do they know? But they don't, both to their shame and to their credit, if you know what I mean. They certainly would be no match for the Democrats, again with all their obvious birth defects, hideous deformities, and shedding chromosomes as they do, like water coming off a shaking dog. You ask a Republican for a constructive solution to our problems and they stare at you dumbly. Then they form a little circle, chatter among themselves in some strange language of chirps and cheeps, but finally it's clear ... nothing computes. Just a stupid, blank look on their faces. Constantly, invariably stupid.

This year hopeless John McCain is trying vainly for the local man's vote. Fat chance, defect, not with that "R" next to your name!