E Pluribus Pumpin'

Part 2 of 30

Self-Abuse September

I’m so grateful for the founder and enduring mascot of our great United States of America, Uncle Sam, to make an appearance here. And it’s only fitting that he should, with his motto, “E Pluribus Unum,” literally, “He comes massively, then sleeps.” Unum is an interesting word, coming from baby talk, taking their bottle and dozing off, chomping drowsily on a pacifier. It’s Pluribus that’s the super soaker, meaning coming in buckets, big winding flowing undulating turgid rivers that forever run, wind, wrapping their wet selves around the dry land begging for moist favors. By the way, it’s never nice to come till you rive 'er, unless of course it’s that time of the month.

She’s welcome, by the way. But at my house if I had an uncle like Uncle Sam, he wouldn’t have been all that welcome. Because they were always looking out for our well-being and morals, although childhood frankly was a little more on the wild side than you tend to think. You have a lot less reserve when you don’t know right from wrong. But then, like Adam and Eve, you learn right from wrong and immediately get dressed.

Still, it seems OK for kids messing with kids, but you have to leave the uncles out of it, of course, especially an old reprobate like Uncle Sam. The last thing we need is for Uncle Sam to be choking chickens from sea to shining sea. And making off color insinuations or asides to unseen but happy parties somewhere just out of the frame, presumably behind him and with just the right angle, about which he’s able to lasciviously ad lib, “I Feel Ya Back There Pumpin’.” Some uncles are like that, none of mine, thankfully.

It’s a funny thing to say, though -- “I Feel Ya Back There Pumpin’” -- and if it’s just between yourself and your partner(s), it can be a great encouragement to them, sort of synonymous with, “You’re doing a good job” or “Your performance is gratifying to me in ways I can’t completely … No! Oh!" Or “The fish are spawning!” Or “I’ll give you exactly 24 hours to zip your pants! Or “That’s right! Right there! Yes, yes, yes!” And so forth. Which is the same kind of climactic calling out we used to do before we had cable TV and someone on the roof was adjusting the antenna and the picture suddenly came in clearly. “Right there! You got it! Perfect!" "Ooooh baby," I'm purring like Barry White.

From sea to shining sea, do your part, then, to let it shine. Let me feel you back there pumpin'. And don't forget to clean up after yourself, if that's something that is part of your routine. I hope it is.

Pigs: "Eat More Bacon"

[Artwork COPYRIGHT 2011 dbkundalini, All Rights Reserved, please don't steal it. Note: Getty Images, please feel free to contact me for usage rights. Limited rights offered to Pork Producers, International.]

I was with a guy at the local barbecued pork restaurant recently. I think it was last Thursday, possibly Tuesday or Wednesday, definitely not Monday, and they're not open on Sunday. And I was busy on Saturday...

Anyway, they have quite a few pigs and other hog-related memorabilia, statues, knickknacks, and portraits there, with the pigs seeming to condone and even encourage the eating of their meat. This struck my friend as being kind of odd.

And, now that I think of it, it also strikes me as being somewhat weird. Maybe they ought to be like the Chik-Fil-Et (sp?) chickens, I guess it is, or maybe cows, that are encouraging possible customers at their restaurant to eat more cow or chickens, whichever is opposite of what they actually serve there. I guess it'd have to be chicken in a place called "Chick-Fill-Et." Like they must serve chicken filets, so there's cows encouraging people to "EAT MOR CHIKN."

That makes more sense if your whole thing is to have people eat the other guy and not you. Or the other species and not you. But it's shortsighted, like in the Martin Niemoller quote, if Niemoller had been a cow: "They came for the chickens and I didn't stop them. Now they're coming for me and there's no chickens to save me." Still, being shortsighted when it comes to your self-preservation can be an effective way to save yourself, because it at least buys time and allows you to plan your next move.

But getting back to pigs, and I'm 100% serious about this, in my opinion it's better to exist than not. If I had never been born at all, imagine how unhappy I'd be. I'd be sitting there going, "What? A stinking chigger can exist, but I can't exist?! How crazy is that!" You'd be unhappy, too! Or step it up, with something better than a chigger but still not as good as a man. "A stinking pig has a shot at life, but not me? Good grief, what kind of world is this anyway?!"

Since I actually do exist, I'm happy to share the land with pigs and chiggers.

OK, back to the pigs existing. There are millions of pigs, and the fact of the matter is hardly any of them, like less than 1%, would exist if they weren't being bred for food. Think about it, no farmer is going to breed 5,000 pigs just to have them standing around. He's trying to make money, not clutter up the farm with useless pigs. Therefore, if no one ate pigs, pigs wouldn't exist in any quantity. So if you're a pig, and you realize all this, you are going to do what you can to make sure people eat more pork, because that's the only thing that gave you a shot at life.You're not going to have piglets without that policy, however revolting it might otherwise be to you.

Just today, I had four slices of bacon. And I feel good about it, because I'm doing my part.