"This is MY country, land that I love. This is MY country, something-something above. I pledge thee my allegiance, America, my home sweet. Yes, this is MY country, to have and to hold." The patriotic blood boils just to hear the precious lines of our most cherished songs.
And on this 4th of July -- with global warming scalding us with 104 degree F temperatures -- boiling blood is just what I need. So it's a welcome thing. Crank up the heat, pretty soon when we sing, "From sea to shining sea," we'll be able to actually see both seas from the middle and appreciate our great songs more.
I've got a little tribute to America I want to lay on you. In some ways, it sounds bitter [It's already written]. But I prefer to look at it as constructive criticism, exercising my freedom of speech that my blessed uncles (on my mom's side) fought for and very well could've died for had push come to shove.
All right, here it is:
AMERICA:OK, that's it. It's a beautiful tribute, if I do say so myself, something I hope will make your Fourth of July holiday even more special.
Your sons are all cross-eyed.
Your daughters are all bowlegged.
Your mothers wear army boots.
Your fathers dress in drag.
Your grandmothers are loose women.
Your grandfathers can't get it up.
Your great writers are all hacks.
Your statesmen are very perplexed.
Your churches are your last hope.
Your grocery stores sell junk food.
Your flag has more stars than stripes.
Your roads are falling apart.
Your last victory was conquering polio.
Your old westerns have bad, fading soundtracks.
Your bald eagle could use a toup.