Sunday, June 21, 2015

Newsletter -- Subscriptions Update

I'm running the access numbers again, in case you missed yours. As a reminder, I have officially opened up subscriptions for my new exciting newsletter, to be published very soon. But you do need to have an access number to receive it, because, quite frankly, I can't afford to send one to everyone who wants one. That'd be literally everyone in the world!

So today, if you look in the little white box above, you might see your own private access number. If there is an access number shown, obviously that's what you'll use when you subscribe. Enter the number when directed -- and, please, it has to be precisely as written -- and you'll be good to go. If, however, you see no number, but just a white box, then you are not currently eligible for a subscription. I am so sorry for any inconvenience, but as I said, money's tight. You will probably agree, it's best that I start out small in case there's any glitches along the way.

The fact is, the first run will be very small, as it will be limited to 300 copies, all mailed. Even that's a huge expense: Stamps are expensive, envelopes are up in price, paper's through the roof, and toner ink, we all know that problem...

But it could be that I'll have issues going out to more of you sooner rather than later, because I'm currently making arrangements with several companies -- including lots of little companies I'd never heard of, Chinese companies, Middle Eastern companies -- to monetize my initial subscribers. Yes, it's exciting stuff, with the potential for me to make some big bucks by monetizing your information, whatever I'm privy to, with up to 600 companies. If I receive only a penny per company, that's $6.00 per subscriber per month. If I can do that, of course I'll want as many subscribers as possible. Because I'll be rolling in it.

I know a couple of you will be concerned about your private information getting out there. Well, you don't need to give it a second thought. Because I've been assured by these characters, who haven't given me their names, precisely, nor have I seen their faces -- the light isn't so good in the alleys around here -- that everything's on the up and up. They're definitely gung ho for it, and that's a great sign. In fact, they're so excited they're asking that I press you for more information. Credit card details, Social Security info, bank accounts, the whole bit, which to me says a lot. It says these guys are "full service," and that's the kind of service we all want.

They say, though, that falling short of the ideal won't be a deal breaker. They're willing to accept any information I can get, even if it's just your name, address, birthday, phone numbers, your mother's maiden name, who your best man or maid of honor was, and the city where you met your spouse. See, they want to have a friendly relationship with you, maybe send you a birthday card and special offers to your friends. Like the points on a rewards card. You have to agree it'd be great to get 3,000 points for doing nothing but subscribing to a newsletter. I know people who've lived and died and struggled and still haven't gotten close to 3,000 points.

Anyway, it's all win-win. Not only will you receive the newsletter -- and I promise to make it as good as I can, lots of articles, blurbs, maybe a few connect-the-dot illustrations of stuff from my personal collection -- but your mailbox will be literally stuffed with catalogs, letters, various come-ons, offers for insurance policies, charity pleas, the whole bit. Just as a funny aside, if it's too much for your mailbox, they'll probably have an offer for a bigger one!

So, you may say, what if I don't want all that mail, all those offers? I'd say try be more flexible. Because look, you'll get great environmental cred with your friends and neighbors when they see how much you're recycling. I'd be proud to be dragging two or three bins to the curb every week instead of just the one I've currently got. Your neighbors might even give up recycling all together when they see they can't compete. Another benefit, you could do what my grandparents used to do, let the kids have the mail you don't want. When you're a kid it's great to get mail. They can fill it in and, as a surprise to you, be applying for multiple credit cards. At first you'll object, but when you see some of the great gifts they're getting you'll be very glad.

I hope I've taken care of all lingering doubts. If I have, great. If I haven't, well, no one's twisting your arm to subscribe. You can always show your complete lack of gratitude by ignoring the access number. Making me feel bad in the process, but what do you care? You don't care. Hell, if you're Number One in your own mind -- I've known people like that, stunted in their feelings -- that's all that counts. Other people's dreams, like mine of having a top-notch newsletter, sent out only to select people (and that's you), don't matter. Put me out to pasture, let me wither on the vine. You don't care.

I'll definitely have second thoughts, though, about ever doing anything nice for you again. I won't. I'll send your access code to someone who appreciates it and you'll be out forever. There's lots of other fish in the sea, choking on pollution, hoping someone will catch them and answer their dying wish.

I say you will subscribe. You need to! You want me monetize you. Because look at it this way, I didn't have to tell you any of this. I could've signed you up, no questions asked, and you would've been totally surprised -- and probably appreciative -- to be on 600 to 1,000 lists, receiving the mail, and having people take out credit cards in your name, the whole bit. Maybe you don't like to get out and shop. You won't have to, with so many others doing it for you.

Let's get it going, OK? Because the newsletter's just about to be published! We're working on it! We're stuffing it with blurbs and things I haven't even thought of yet. And you need to be on board. I want us to shake on it. Let's solemnize it, let's make a bond between you and me that cannot be broken. That you'll agree to, stand by, and keep forever. My handshake will also be on behalf of my 600 partner companies.

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