Friday, July 3, 2015

Newsletter -- The Lady

I wrote tributes to the male members of my newsletter staff, Dashing Danny Whfrf, Spud Tuber, Tipsy White, and Cannibal. But just like a fancy meal, it's time now for the main course, my favorite, The Lady. Just like an exquisite lily against a backdrop of weeds, The Lady has pride of place on our team. So much so that I've warned the riff-raff, not once but multiple times, "Keep your hands off The Lady! If I ever catch you near The Lady..."

I suppose I may as well say it, I have a really hard time keeping my eyes off her. When I see the guys of course I'm revolted, my heart sinks, I feel queasy, and I'm barely restrained from lashing out, "You sons of bitches!" But when it's The Lady, it's a different story; my heart just melts. Her smile, her smooth skin, that personality, she's the whole package and more.

The history of men and women since the beginning of the world is an interesting one, to the extent that I know anything about it. I learned as a child that the Lord created Adam and Eve, long before Steve showed up. Adam was created from the dust and Eve from one of his ribs. If memory serves, I believe they also told me, to this day men have one less rib than they would have if they had one more.

Immediately the question comes up, Is it worth it to be missing a rib so we can have women? My answer has to be, Absolutely! What would you rather have, an extra rib or a mother? As a question it's nonsense, because how would we have had mothers if we'd insisted on the extra rib? Clearly in that case we wouldn't have any ribs, to speak of. I'm not begrudging her, Mom was worth it. The Lady, similarly, is worth her weight in ribs.

The other points I feel like making are these: 1) Women are the Glory of Men; 2) They cause us to say "Oo-la-la;" 3) They are very addictive; and, 4) When they were created the Lord threw away the mold. But just stating the points will be enough, because you're smart, you can figure out what I would've said.

I know, certainly, The Lady is the glory of this man. Cute, sweet, smart as a whip, sharp as a tack, gentle but not too gentle, rough but not too rough, not afraid to talk back, but too kind to overwhelm me in a game of tit for tat. Like a good bowl of porridge, she's just right. I can truly say the best move I ever made was when I took her on for my newsletter... If she learns to write articles, so much the better.

You know, it's been only a month and I don't actually remember where I got her. True! That's interesting, because I'm usually very sharp on these things. I know I got the guys at the prison release farm. But The Lady, I guess she just showed up and I took her on, which doesn't sound likely. But I've been known to do stuff like that. I pride myself on making snap decisions, and they always seem to work out great. Wherever she came from, The Lady's the best decision I ever made.

Like I said, though, the worst thing about it is the terrible dread I feel that she might be molested by one of the other fruitcakes. I can't stay awake 24 hours a day, anything could happen. This is the same thing Adam thought about Steve, always coming after Eve, or, worse, himself. But I'm doing what I can, letting The Lady sleep in the house while the guys are bunking in the garage. Putting some separation between them and her, which gives me a little comfort.

OK, that's enough of a tribute for her. I want to be alone now, just me and my thoughts, wherever they may lead me.

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