Monday, May 8, 2017

15 Minutes Older

I'm in a quandary, a mental quagmire. O this wretched existence! Hast thou no mercy, inexorable Fate? Inexorable is right, whoever first said that.

Life is revealed -- is it not? -- when you cut it in bite size pieces. Days, hours, minutes. 15 minutes. 15 minutes is long enough to do several things, but not long enough to be prolonged; it's fleeting, very fleeting.

As I've stewed over this post, driven to it really by a kind of cruel desperation, I've felt a dreadful range of emotions. All centered on one question, Why? And tangentially related to a second question: How? Why this burden of 15 minutes? And how can I escape it. I seriously don't think I can escape it. And that's not right, am I right?

We tend to look at it as a commonplace fact of life that we're all getting older. Certainly I can see that as well. When I look at old photographs of myself, it's like a different world, a different me. But I know it is me, and in some cases even have memories of the photo being taken. And other aspects of what it was to be in those circumstances long ago. Am I alone in this knowledge? I believe I'm not. Surely others -- if only a few others -- know what it was by way of vivid memories to live in the past. I can't be alone.

20 years, 10 years, 5 years, a few years, months, weeks, days, minutes, seconds. Leading me back to this dreadful question of 15 minutes. How can I cease aging for 15 minutes? Is there someone really good at math, or preferably time travel, who can clue me in to the mysterious answer of this? I'm not asking a lot, just to not age a single bit in 15 minutes. That's not such a huge request.

I'm looking for wisdom. This burden came on me just three or four units of 15 minutes ago. I called a man whose wisdom I respect. He answered me tentatively, not fully understanding the question, apparently. Everyone deals in "common sense," which I frankly get sick of. He did the same thing. "You can't quit aging for 15 minutes," he said, point blank, like my question was so much dirt under his feet, not even worth considering, and even stupid. I could tell I wasn't going to make much progress with him. Leaving me once again alone.

This came from my mind, OK? The only one who can answer it has to be me, an answer straight from the horse's mouth, as it were. A person could die, right? That takes away aging in regards to a conscious person all right. But your body still ages, with the mechanics of death even harsher for the body. Aging as well as putrefaction. Not good. Briefly, death doesn't help, because I still want my life to go on. For life to be prolonged.

If there's an answer, and it doesn't come physically, what's left but mental? That's where it has to be. Like in the phrase, "Think young." If I meditated, really stewed over it, say, for an hour, that for 15 minutes solid I was going to think young, then did it, I actually could mentally convince myself that I hadn't aged. Think so? Life as we know it is comprised of our thoughts. If that's true, it could be done.

AN HOUR AND 15 MINUTES LATER: OK, I'm back. The hour meditation itself seemed damned near to stop time. Then it was time for the 15 minutes. Which was a total failure. I simply couldn't get started. I kept checking the time, like the way I cook frozen pizzas; I never trust the instructions. I was checking the time, then diving back in, but all I could do by way of experience was fall prey to time's passage, a minute here, two minutes there, etc. I was so frustrated, 15 minutes passed like an instant, and I was 15 minutes older -- mentally and physically -- and worn out. What a failure I am!

The weird thing about this, totally unexpected, was the hour of meditation was great -- flew by! -- and I felt just as young going in as coming out. But the lesser period, 15 minutes, was like a kick in the pants. What I'm seeing is, If you prolong the time -- an hour or more -- you can stay forever young. But if you limit yourself to 15 minutes only, all you do is age. A weird, seemingly contradictory set of circumstances, I realize that much, but regardless, it appears to be the only way this can be done...

Saturday, March 18, 2017

Time Waits For No Boy

That's what I'm saying: Time never gets ahead of itself. The truth of which is pretty well settled, although you'd think if anyone could do it, Time could. I'm fairly stressed out by time. I keep it, I mark it, I jump to its tunes, and I rue it.

I tell myself I'm not afraid to die. And I'm often convinced it's so. As I've been thinking about Time, as I am now, I know it's out there as Terminus B, Terminus A being when I came into the world much Time ago. Over 60 years, so you tell me. You never know what might happen. Car wreck, ice slick, jealous husband or wife, bar fight gone bad, pool cue against the temple, or just plain old age with a bad health chaser. Something's gonna do me in, all in good Time.

I went to see a friend of mine, who's something of an Eastern kind of guy. He's respectful of our Western ways -- to a point -- but he thinks the Easterners (Indians, Tibetans, etc., who really are just Westerners if you traveled the opposite way to get to them) have the inside track on wisdom. Which, incidentally, is how I thought of Native Americans on old westerns. They could put their ear to the ground and describe the enemy to the shoelaces. It's uncanny. I respected them but never had the good sense to root for them against the cowboys. A big regret.

All right -- be all that as it may -- I dasn't waste Time! As my Eastern-loving friend told me, quoting the Mahabharata, "Existence and non-existence, pleasure and pain all have Time for their root. Time createth all things and Time destroyeth all creatures. It is Time that burneth creatures," etc., blah blah blah. Think I'm afraid of time? Bah! Not for a second! Until I start thinking, You know, maybe they're right. Mom told me I was born at a particular time. That I transitioned from diapers to overalls at a particular time. And that she would leave me at a particular time, probably when she changed her last poopy overalls, which would kill anyone.

All that being as it may, I must write the things on my mind! To leave behind at least a few snippets of my existence, as I feel like I could croak at any moment. So what do I have on my mind?

[Nebulous clouds of wisdom appear at the window. The visage of a dear old man, beard down to his feet and the look of wrinkles about the eyes, appears. He touches my forehead and I'm immediately filled with the wisdom of a schoolroom from long ago.]

I see a boy with his teacher, learning his spelling. But for much of his life muteness has left him speechless, and the teacher makes allowances. "George, spell 'A'." He taps his foot once. "Good, now spell 'B." He taps his foot twice. "Great job, now spell C." He taps his foot three times. And it goes that way through the alphabet. "Very good," the teacher says.

She gives him a much bigger assignment. To write out, "I'm a good boy."

George is aghast. Thinking, "I have to write out all that?" He starts his tapping, tapping, tapping, feverishly tapping with the teacher doing her best to transcribe the flurry of taps. He seemed to be off track, up and dancing, his feet becoming terribly sore from the amount of tapping and the feverishness with which he wrote. The teacher could barely write, count, and match up the taps with the alphabet. It was frankly all she could do

Finally, though, she looked at her pad and George's message was clear: "Look, teacher, if you expect me to stand here and write all day, especially something as long and involved as 'I'm a good boy," I'm going to need a pair of boots to protect my feet, at least a pair of socks -- something! -- because anything that takes that much tapping is sure to severely damage my feet, to the point that I may never recover from it, even if I lived to be 12! And especially with the roughness of this old-fashioned wooden, splintery floor! Give me something shorter to write and I'll be glad to complete the assignment to the best of my ability."

The moral of the story has to do with Time -- how it's only as long as it is -- and Feet, that you give a teacher an inch and she'll take two.

Monday, February 27, 2017

A Stranger In My Own Home

I have a beef today, as well as an interesting principle about coming back from the dead. Or being away a long time, like Tom Sawyer. Didn't he walk in on his own funeral?

I have my routine in the morning. Sitting doing meditation and considering spiritual lit, including the Bible and various things on yoga, Sri Aurobindo, etc. Then it's time to take Roughage (my dog) out. Then breakfast. It's a clean, good, effortless routine. God forbid it change!

Today it changed. Thanks to an inopportune phone call plus my Cousin Deb visiting from Missouri. She's been here a couple weeks, sleeping in all those mornings, then getting up and seeing how I do it here. Today, though, I got an urgent call from a guy I've known for 40+ years, Melvin, who parks by the water tower and has his own taxi service, one car.

My time of meditation was just coming to a close when Melvin called. His key was locked in the car, do I still have the extra key? In the last five or six years he hasn't needed it at all. But it's been in my bedroom with a full layer of dust on it. Could I bring it to him?

Cousin Deb was getting up and around. I told her what I had to do, that it'd take 10-12 minutes, Roughage is in the crate, she'll be OK till I get back. Then we'll make breakfast, etc.

I got downtown right away, Melvin had his hand out, I rolled down the window and gave him the key and sped home. Now, what has Cousin been doing in the meantime? Wellllll, Roughage whined a little bit with me gone, so she let her out to do her business. Leaving enough time to start the breakfast, get the plates out, etc., and push my meditation books up against some other crap at the edge of the table. Page crunch. And she was busying around.

I was a little pissed off, but didn't spill it with the full force, just some gentle, "I said I'd take care of the dog when I got back. And there was no hurry on the breakfast; I was gone 10-12 minutes, there's nothing I need to do this morning, it was fine." Well, like she said, Roughage was whining, and there was no reason to wait on breakfast, apparently, because I was gone. I was barely gone, but the whole world had to change!

That's something worth considering. If you can be gone 10-12 minutes and everything has to change, imagine you went somewhere near the ends of the world for a half hour! She'd change the locks, paint the house, and maybe donate my freezer of bacon to the poor. "It's not good for you anyway." Oh! But it's good enough for the poor, I see! And that's just a half hour! A whole hour and they'd be reading my will...

What if I were suddenly called to Center City for a whole day? Not only would the bacon be gone, the dog wouldn't recognize me. The crate would be gone, she'd be sleeping in my bed, and growling when I crawled in to sleep. Possession is 9/10s of the law, they say, you abandoned the bed, you're outta here!

Multiply it out. You're gone a week? A week is like a thousand years. Your house was condemned, the high rise apartment complex in its place was planned and contracted out in four days, and when they decided you weren't coming back they built it. And that freezer was getting old anyway. The bacon had the accumulated frost damage of a whole seven days!

The interesting principle is, You can be a stranger in your own home within minutes. You gave your last wishes -- keep the dog in and don't start the bacon -- but if you've been gone 10 minutes all bets are off! In short, if you can't depend on your life maintaining its stability for 10-12 minutes, don't be gone any longer. Life is quicksand. Time waits for no man, as they say, but you'd think it'd take at least a month to fully rear its ugly encroaching head... You're gone a couple hours, though, you're not coming back.

Sheesh! That's Earl, brother!

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

George Washington, Happy Birthday

Hey, hey, not to be left out -- after I wrote about his brother in the presidency, Abraham Lincoln -- is the Father of Our Country, George Washington, with another birthday!

I regret to say I haven't learned one single new thing about Washington in the last year. I'm ashamed to say that, of course, since I'm a conscientious person who goes through life trying to learn at least one new thing a day. Now, with the regime of President Trump upon us, however, and the general atmosphere of questioning the value of education -- Is it really still a thing? -- I've taken off a number of weeks to vegetate.

Never know when that might happen! I always figured it was "Onward and Upward" for us, the American way. Sometimes I imagined an end to it, but never thought it'd come this soon after we got the Internet. Which, between you and me, is truthfully the force that has made this vast difference in our general outlook. Before, nutcases could get together over beers, three or four guys who then went home and cursed the wind. Now they're a vast assembly, each stupider than the next. Dredging up from the depths of the collective unconsciousness enough evil to stock a dozen hells.

Wonder when Trump's birthday is. Could Google it. But then what? I'd have to remember it year by year like I do Lincoln's and Washington's. I haven't branched out from those two dudes in my whole life. Although I do remember Kennedy's birthday was in May, and I think he was born the same year as one of my grandmothers. I should do FDR. He was quite the hero to my other grandparents. I inherited the poster that used to hang over their headboard.

Anyway, George Washington. I hear there's been new books written about him and even a TV show or movie made recently. Which are apparently quite good, but I don't have time for all that. I'll stick with the tried and true: He cut down a cherry tree, he was honest about it with his dad. But his dad, not wanting him to get off scot-free, challenged him to a duel. Little George, ever honest, replaced the bullets with blanks, circled around and "shot" his dad in the back. His dad knowing he himself had gotten off scot-free, too, since he could've been dead, forgave him for the tree.

Then there were the wooden teeth, penance for cutting down the tree, whittled out by the dentist from the self same tree! He should've chopped up the toilet, then he could've had teeth that would've lasted! Porcelain teeth, brushing with SaniFlush. That'd be good for me, since I've had notoriously bad teeth most of my life. I had a dentist who did half a root canal on me -- then left me in the chair while he and the staff went off for hamburgers. I haven't been the same since.

A fun experiment would be to find out how old George Washington would be today! They used to teach us he was born in 1732, back when education mattered. But it seems to me there's some complication about the way they reckoned years back then. For the sake of convenience, though, I'll assume 1732 is still good. 2017 minus 1732 is-- I'm going out for hamburgers. I'll figure it out when I get back.

Monday, February 13, 2017

Did I Miss Lincoln's Birthday?

Did I miss Abraham Lincoln's birthday?! Dammit! I even went through the day thinking vaguely about the 12th being vaguely familiar. I've been in a kind of stupor lately. I'm not saying it's related to me falling and hitting my head on the rock, but I'm not excluding that possibility.

But look at these words I'm spewing; I'm not that dumb, right? It's flowing like volcano from a massive earth zit, i.e., a mountain. I'm able to conceptualize, comparing mountains to facial blemishes and cross the wires of the contents of each one, a volcano and the stuff that comes from faces. That has to count for something... Could be I'm good at faces because I hit my head in the back, not the front.

Anyway, dammit again, I say. I was hoping to wish Abraham Lincoln a happy birthday on the actual day, none of this "President's Day" stuff for me. I won't have it. To have it is to say my education was nothing, and that's something I'm not eager to admit. There had to be something good about it. One, it made me a "lifetime learner."

I had some troubles with one reader within the last five years, calling me on my "ignorance" about Lincoln, The Great Railsplitter. The guy's basic point was why do I call him The Great Railsplitter? His contention was because it's an old cliche, nothing more. And, the guy said, it's likely that I don't even know why he split rails. OK, smart guy, rails were fences, I'm pretty sure. Wooden fences, imagine that. The olden days were crazy.

But let's get away from cliches, because I actually read (an audiobook) an actual book about Lincoln in the last year. It was one about The Great Thespian John W. Booth, who shot and killed the president. In summary, it's a crazy story of poor security up the ass. Imagine if you could just walk in the theater, unnoticed, and kill the president! No matter what you think of the president, he deserves better security than that! We can't have upheaval like that on a scale we can barely imagine.

It's kind of exciting listening to a book like that, better than reading it, for sure. When I read, I get bogged down, usually. Eye strain, so pretty soon I'm reading with one eye; I do that a lot. But if you're half sleeping and the remaining eye is doing double duty, it's easy to drift off. Audiobooks have problems too. It's easy to drift off and realize you just missed a chapter. Then it's hard to get back, and you end up hearing the same couple paragraphs a dozen times.

Since I missed The Great Emancipator's birthday, though, I don't want to spill all my knowledge, just save it till next year. He had a wife, OK, I'll give you that much. She was the First Lady of those times, sat at home knitting. Not like now, the First Lady in a New York high-rise costing the taxpayers a million dollars a day while she watches her kid romp through the room sitting on a lion. Times have changed.

Abraham Lincoln was a man of integrity, I've heard. Being The Co-Father of His Country, he decided to behave himself. He wasn't tweeting all the time about John Wilkes Booth being an overrated actor, which if you think about the theater over history, probably the mid-to-late 1800s is the most pretentious period. They didn't have microphones, they had to yell their lungs out, even in tender scenes, for the deaf guy in the last row to be able to hear. "WHAT'D HE SAY?" was their punishment if they didn't.

These days we have Abraham Lincoln, The Great Reader by The Fireplace, on the five dollar bill. Five times more valuable than the other Co-Father of His Country. And yet, somehow ignorantly trumped by Ben Franklin, on the 100, and not even a damned president.

Happy belated birthday to the late Great Top Hat Wearer.

Friday, February 10, 2017

Golden Children Everywhere


Oh yeah, you had to know there'd be a happy ending. That's the way my life goes, many happy returns. Myra Kula Electra and I are still on good terms. We've seen each other only a couple times, though, so there hasn't been many opportunities for fireworks. I assume she's out there somewhere still, happy and bringing joy to the world around her.

The Tractor Promenade, now a national sensation, is turning away offers for appearances, since they're only able to be so many places. The guys who "dance" in it have other jobs. Office jobs, a couple of them work at the feed store, one's a fireman, etc. And no doubt they're afraid to just up and quit for the riches of continual performances, having taken into account the fickleness of the American public -- you quit your job at the store and next thing you know America's moved on to the next flash in the pan.

The black prison bus came -- thankfully -- and took the four prisoners back to the work release farm. Which isn't entirely good news for me, although I've put up with it all this time, since, of course, the farm's only about 8 miles directly southwest of my place. Those dudes are devious. They could steal dark clothes, charcoal their faces, and crawl that far in about an hour and kill me in my sleep, if they wanted to. And I can't see why they wouldn't want to, knowing as I do the extent of their evil; after all, they did have public sex with Myra Kula Electra at the July 4 celebration a few years ago. A blight on their memory I will never forget!

The town still sees me as more or less a hero, having freed the area of demons, sealed a major portal to hell, and brought excitement to this sleepy burg like they haven't had in a long time. Still, it hurts to see downtown ripped to shreds, fixtures on the courthouse dangling, etc.; it all looks like a war zone. But let's say we get a major employer back in town, it won't take forever to come up with the money to fix it. Hell, we could get a benefit performance with the Tractor Promenade; that'd bring in a few bucks. The bright side is, let's say we're all around 50 years from now -- there'll be memorial markers to me, etc., and kids will be playing me in school plays.

Speaking of kids! Some of those kids 50 years from now will be the grandchildren of all the kids who've come into the world since the battle ended. Naturally they had to be in utero before the whole thing happened -- I guess; it's not like I was there for every conception; conceivably (no pun intended) Heaven could be so happy they speeded up things. Anyway, be all that as it may, there's been independent verification from some radio ministers that the world has been blessed with many, many golden children -- all basically born the same week. No one's ever seen anything like it! It was in the news for the joy of it itself, plus the strain it's putting on businesses who provide lenient leave for parents after blessed events.

These kids, if the reports are true, all have a cheerful look. I'm not going to lie. Somehow they look like me when I was born. I'm not going to put up a baby picture -- although if I did, you'd fall over in love with me. Even I can't believe it, when I look in the mirror now I look like an average dumb old man. Except for the sardonic grin every time someone says something overly conventional, I'm as UN-golden looking as anyone ... now. But back then it was different. That's what these kids look like! Although they're various genders, with various orientations, various races, various everything. Two eyes like me, etc.

Welcome, Golden Children! Please raise your right hand. (Children everywhere are raising their hands, hearing/reading these words despite distance, through walls, in other countries, whatever). Repeat after me, mentally: "I am a Golden Child. I promise to do my best to live up to that great role. I will stand for goodness, justice, and see the beauty in everyone. I will live my life creatively, with good humor, with affection, in love with life and others. I promise to do the rest of the things written on the paper that the author of this blog -- dbkundalini -- is holding up for me to read," etc., etc., "which lists many life-affirming things, all of which I heartily agree to."

Having sworn in all the Golden Children, I now evaporate back into spirit (as the Golden Child) and pass my reign herewith unto this new multitude, wishing them all the best, now and forever.


Monday, February 6, 2017

The Golden Child 16


"The Golden Child 16" is a post I'm writing as a point of personal privilege, to be an enduring remembrance of this great series, entirely a blessing for me, and perhaps for you. It's a matter of accomplishment, really, the sense I have of accomplishing something great. Which will stand not just for the moment but for a very very long time. That gives me a very warm feeling!

I've heard from so many of you -- Thank you for your kind thoughts, encouragement, and compliments along the way -- and that's also something I will long treasure in my heart. You have been thoroughly impressed by The Golden Child series, you've said, and I believe you. I too have been blessed! Maybe you know how it goes: You get an idea like this -- The Golden Child -- and you go with it, and you hope it turns out as a great thing.

The old coal mound was something I never understood! In real life. Why was there an old coal mound at my aunt's place, and one of pretty good size? There wasn't a coal mine anywhere near by. About the other thing I can figure, looking at it wholly in common sense terms -- setting aside its connection with demons, etc. -- is that coal was piled there sometime before my aunt lived there. Let's say an old hermit had a cabin nearby among the trees, and he heated his place with coal, so the mound was there. Or it could have been that he was a coal miner earlier in life, then in nostalgia had a coal mound piled up. It only seems natural later on that hell would be looking for out-of-the-way nexus points by which to connect with the surface, leading to my experiences.

I'll leave the other mysteries to your imagination! Thanks again for your compliments about my mysteries. My grandparents always taught me to do things that last. If you build a garage, for example, let it be a decent garage for a good long while. If you write something, like all the huge mysteries I wrote about in The Golden Child series, write it with a deep sense of love, not just for the craft of writing but for the opportunity you have (along with your innate talent) to really say something. And look at the size of the thing! This is Part 16! That's probably longer than any book you've ever read*. I'm absolutely sure I've never written a 16/17-part book!

I want to let you know right up front, there actually is a concluding Part 17, which will be written very soon. I advise you to simply be patient, and let it catch its breath and come into its form -- likely as something amorphous at first (most things I write appear, like developing film, light and nebulous, before taking a sharpness busting at the seams.) It's hard to say what it is exactly, because every animal's different.

Part 17 will involve more than me personally, along with the heroine Myra Kula Electra. I'll probably mention her in 17, since even her name is beautiful. This is no joke: I ride in my car saying Myra's name. Even when I was dead-set angry with her the last year and a half -- after she slept with the Four Prisoners at the July 4 celebration, in public -- I was still driving around, or saying it at home, and of course in bed, "Myra Kula Electra," all sexy and whispering and drawn out like that. Good God, I'm being much more frank than is advisable, but a few times my eyes were rolled back in my head as I said her name! I was writhing, hopelessly in love, but hopeless to reach out to her as my anger had cut off things apparently in such a final way.

The Four Prisoners -- Danny, Tipsy, Cannibal, and Spud -- I doubt I'll ever mention them again.

Part 17 is very likely to signal the apotheosis of me as The Golden Child figure insofar as the public is concerned. But I will continue through life as The Golden Child, albeit more privately.

Friends, whatever 17 does for me, and your perception of me as The Golden Child, we'll always have 16. And if you're really nostalgic for the good things you've known and loved, you can always reread 1 through 15, then 16 for a bittersweet moment, then 17 for the blog equivalent of the Götterdämmerung. Surely you'll think of me crossing the rainbow bridge, if you're a fan of that whole Germanic pagan thing, where the women are bigger than bears and the men are literally horny.

(Look at the great picture of me sitting on my gigantic book, this fantastic saga, The Golden Child 1 through 15, with this great Part 16, one that I will surely cry over later when I'm in my room, and Myra is there with me, cooing love and assuring me that the Four Prisoners didn't give her any infection that lasted.

*I confess, I don't remember ever reading a 16-part book, let alone one with a 17th part not even written yet.

Friday, February 3, 2017

Thanking The Four Prisoners


One of my favorite things to do in life is to get a big sincere look on my face, then face someone who's apparently done me a favor or some nice thing, and give them a fulsome compliment and my richest thanks for a job well done. I lay it on thick, too: "Ohh, it's just the nicest thing anyone's ever done, you're such a good person, and when they made you they threw away the mold, your afterlife's bound to be pleasurable, a thousand virgins," the whole bit. I fell on the ice one day and a neighbor came to check on me and, for no more than that, he got 500 virgins!

So in the aftermath of the whole Myra Kula Electra/demons episode, involving the Tractor Promenade and the old Coal Mound, a creepy place when I was a kid, I had to pass out the plaudits and make them good. And appear as gracious as I can, because nothing says "You owe me" like complimenting and praising true scum of the earth, as I faced in the four prisoners. Hell, it's only been a few days and I can't actually remember what they did in this whole episode! But, in their favor, I've been experiencing short term memory loss since falling on the ice.

Instead of me referring back in the posts of the last week, let's just say the four prisoners did something worthy of commendation. Would I have been victorious without them? Absolutely. Would Myra have overcome the demons? I can't see why not. Would the town have survived without the prisoners? Of course. It's like a thought experiment. Let's say in the best of all possible worlds there would've been four or eight guys a hundred times better than these four idiots. Can you picture the four or eight other guys? Can you grasp the fact that they are one hundred times better? All right. We survived without those guys, guys whose contributions conceivably would've been vital! Let's say we couldn't do it without them! And yet we did... Ergo, we could've done it without these four, too.

Be that as it may -- and Spud, Tipsy, Cannibal, and Danny, if you're reading this -- again, it's just a thought experiment. The fact is, we couldn't have done it without you. In a sense, then, you can assume this was your purpose in life. This was the vital mission you were born for. You worked yourself up from childhood, then into a life of crime, not because you were simply meant to be criminals and go to prison and still be there, albeit living on a work release farm. All your errors, all the things you've suffered in prison, all the joy you may have had in ordinary society, with wives, kids, homes, and dogs. All of that was deprived you so you would be in the right place for when I needed you. To accomplish whatever it was you did. And I believe it had to be something. Otherwise why would I be commending you?

Thank you, gentlemen, for a job well done!

When I think of the enormity of the challenge: Every demon from every pit in hell itself, every devil from the furthest, deepest, darkest hole, dwelling in unimaginable darkness, hanging from sharp crags, with the uncanny, disgusting sound of blood dripping into pools of blood, with the sound echoing from vast canyons that have never been seen by the eyes of men... Every scurvy son-of-a-bitchin' filthy slimy, wasted away, moth-eaten bat or devil or demon or wraith or scurvy whatever, hanging from the rafters, pushed back upon the shelf, not able to tell a stalactite from a stalagmite with its eyes wide open in the pitch black sky untouched by the slightest beam of light, lost in an unmapped hellscape of such a description that there's no way even to describe it... Gentlemen, all that you faced! And the sounds, O, the sounds! The screeching, the howling, the growling, the long nailed feet prowling, their bare feet lacerated by stepping on broken glass and nails, then the crying out. The fact that God is so angry in His wrath that there is no broken glass or nails except what is immediately created in the darkness for them to step on as they take the step! That's bad, beneath contempt, as far as I'm concerned, diabolical!

I think of the enormity of the challenge you faced, gentlemen, and I can only say, "Thank you."

Now, gentlemen, let me say in addition: You helped rescue Myra Kula Electra from all that, and for that I am also grateful. But that is where my thanks ends. The black school bus from the prison farm awaits you outside. As you collect your certificate of merit, you will be immediately escorted to the bus, to be taken back to the farm, where you will live out your days. I shared my concerns about you and women with the warden, and he -- a man who once had a dear mother who was a woman -- says you should never again taint polite society with your disgusting animal lusts.

Without bringing the thoughts of pleasure into your mind too much, remember, you had public sex with Myra Kula Electra, the four of you. And that must never happen again! Be gone with you! Get out of my sight! And never come back! Having now fulfilled your purpose in life, take your certificate and kindly leave my sight. Vacate the premises...

Thursday, February 2, 2017

Myra On The Half Shell


Doesn't she look great -- woo hoo! -- Myra Kula Electra? I'm just sitting here staring at the above photo. And it looks like I'm not alone. There's also you, as well as all those other eyes; every eye's on her! That's what it's like when you're classified with the heroes, the beautiful people. You've got a ton of swagger, or in this case, a ton of grace and gracefulness.

I love the whole thing about women and nature, Mother Nature, all that. We men, we also have our moments. Mostly fighting each other, watching out for creepy guys who also happen to be criminals, or just social ne'er-do-wells, looking to steal our stuff. We're good for a lot in nature, of course. Back before technological times, let's say, men had a lot more going on. Feeding the horse, building fences, fighting neighboring tribes, and fathering children. Daughters for the grace of life. Sons for the horse, fences, fighting, and fathering.

We're actually very lucky these days, because, thanks to technology, we've been lifted above all that. But whether "lifted" is the right word, I don't know; maybe "burden" would be better. Women seem like they're more into feeding horses, which now are only owned for recreational or aesthetic purposes. Fences are put in by the pros. There's ordinances against fighting neighbors. The only thing men get to do now is father children, and thanks to birth control, that's basically out. Used to be families had 15 kids, because about five of them would die early; you could never be sure. Now you're lucky if you have two, and they're at a loss of what to do, never maturing and remaining children perpetually.

Anyway, Myra Kula Electra, doesn't she look great? Her arms are stretched out so nicely. Her head's pulled back, like she's in ecstasy, her eyes closed, beholding what kaleidoscopic mental pictures? The half shell structure is crossed with the morning sun, and Myra walks the golden ribbon of life to her blessed destination. What a sight!

To think, once upon a time -- a few days ago -- we were still at each other's throats. I had it out for her and she for me. The whole purpose I had as The Golden Child -- having a divine mission, as it were -- was to destroy Myra Kula Electra! For the bad treatment I received from her. And the fact that she had carnal relations with the four prisoners at the July 4 celebration a couple years ago. Etc. But then everything threw us together in a common mission. To destroy the demons, then to preserve, protect, and defend our hometown from the same hellish forces. She has my utmost respect now. And I'm sure the future will be bright.

There's only one itsy bitsy issue with stuff like this. Which is -- and it's an old, old story -- when you face demons, etc., it's easy to make common cause, to get you through this desperate time. But what do you do when things go back to normal? Even guys who went through the world wars couldn't just sit around talking about their victories, since that gets old.

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

The Third Day


It's the Third Day after, a particularly symbolic and delightful marker for Golden Children everywhere. I remember as a kid how huge a deal it was on Easter Sunday, back when people were into that. Now, alas, all the true believers in the old ways -- various aunts, grandparents, and even parents -- have passed on to their reward, leaving the rest of the world casting about for something to believe in.

It's no secret most churches struggled to stay open as long as they could, coasting on fumes, but by and large it was all in vain. Now they've been converted to Bingo parlors and office space for people needing offices and a place to have them. The magic is gone. Or is it? There are still those of us who don't just cling to, but revel in the spiritual arts. Kickin' out the jams, what have you. Looking for divine romance, let's say. Being born again in immediate ways.

The illustration portrays a smaller, younger version of Myra Kula Electra, one of the temporary changes she went through when the whole terrible (great) thing went down the other night. The hellhole formerly known as the Old Coal Mound, a place where I experienced freaky things as a kid, blew up and has been more or less harrowed. The vile things that came out of there! O boy! Reminds me of the time many years ago, when Grandpa had a turtle 24 inches in diameter, and he fried up that thing and ate it in one meal! He was sicker'n a dog; that was the harrowing of hell, as far as he was concerned!

Also portrayed is me -- The Golden Child, but this time in my guise as Father Nature (or something) -- thankful, as Nature generally is, for the change of seasons, that gives it new life, or at least something different. Choose your ruts well, Nature; you'll be in them a fourth of the year.

I'll make this quick. Once everything blew up the other night, Robby the Red-Nosed Robot versus the Demons -- including the loathed (but now beloved) Myra Kula Electra -- the square of town was a shambles. Most of the principles, including the Tractor Promenade, the Four Prisoners (Danny, Tipsy, Cannibal, and Spud), and Myra herself, were stunned and out of it. I alone milled about, as though on guard. I was stunned but able to patrol the area.

Around three in the morning, the first police showed up. I stood up to them with my gun, and they backed down. I said, "I'm proud of you officers, respecting the authority of a single man with a gun, a one man militia. The number of officers who would back off as you have are few, and I'm proud to say 'You're from my home town!'" We shook hands and they went back to the station to write their report, likely how they were held off by one man with a gun who thanked them for their respect.

Today, though, all that's in the past. We shall clear out of here and let the city do whatever they need to do to get this town back in decent shape. I'm sorry it looks like crap -- and I realize it's going to be expensive to fix, probably requiring years worth of studies and much higher taxation -- but what's a guy supposed to do when it comes to demons? Maybe I could've destroyed them in the country, let's say, and on second thought, that probably would've been preferable. I go to movies here, and this is what I get to look forward to seeing every time I'm downtown?

Anyway, the graphic above: All nature celebrates our victory! The Golden Child has come through the challenge and prevailed! The spirit of Easter has been restored to its former glory. Establish the meeting places! Let this word go forth to every creature on Earth, those who have a mind and heart wherewith to hear! Myra liveth again, The Golden Child is alive forevermore! Writing his blog, with the things of new life to share!

Next: Myra On The Half-Shell

Sunday, January 29, 2017

An Act or Two Short of The Final Act


All the stuff I had to do in this Supreme Battle -- it was like fighting World War II single-handedly -- was so unbelievably hard, even I, The Golden Child, am not sure how it was physically done. Except to say, You get organized, you make a checklist, and you check it off as you go, step by step, till everything's done.

This isn't the final denouement to this sad (yet ultimately happy) situation with Myra Kula Electra, but it's darned close. The tide turned when the Tractor Promenade performed on the square, such beautiful stuff, a beautiful, intricate act. Tractors square-dancing tugs at your heart, letting you know that mankind truly has it goin' on.

The courthouse was lit and beautiful. I had a front row seat from my place in the alley across the street by the theater, in the upper chamber of the Robby the Red-Nosed Robot suit. Myra was torn between good and evil, with the tugging of her heartstrings drawing her toward "good," due to the charms of the square-dancing tractors. (As an aside, a few years ago I too felt the lure to a life as a professional criminal, but having seen the Tractor Promenade, I renewed my vows as a law-abiding citizen.)

Meanwhile, in the country, at my aunt's old place, Cousin Roto had loaded the old coal mound with enough explosives -- purchased on the black market from a guy who should know better -- to blow every demon there skyward, and propel them several counties away, depending on the breeze. As it was, he arranged the explosives at a slant, to give them more of a town-ward direction once they hit the prevailing winds. Roto followed my cue made by shining Robby's red nose directly toward his position.

As for Myra, she was atop the old hotel, just north of me, in a spiritual tug 'o war. When as the Promenade hit their climax -- the bearded "women" on their tractors facing the "men" on theirs, then flipping their tractors around as if to yield their backsides -- Myra made her choice. I don't know if it was her deeper romantic nature, or a sudden charge of hormones immediately stimulated, but she made a 65-yard leap from the hotel to the dome of the courthouse! (A decent enough jump, but I still gave it only a 7.5, because with that many demons flying in and serving as an undergirding cushion as well as offering lift, my grandma could have equaled or excelled it.

That left Robby to go marching across from the alley toward the courthouse. My aim was one of life or death. If Myra submitted, then life. If she did not, Robby's eyes were outfitted with nukes. Guaranteed to kill everyone in a 30-mile radius, and probably ruin some very nice tractors. To nudge her more certainly toward life, I had another surprise. The four prisoners Myra and I shared in common -- her more than I -- Tipsy White, Dashing Danny Whfrf, Spud Tuber, and Cannibal -- emerged from Robby's feet, which flip up from the toes like garages. (The remote at first triggered the groin area, where oil drains for oil changes, but with quick thinking, I stopped that and restarted it to trigger the feet.)

As the demons swirled, the fevered commandments of exorcists, multi-tracked earlier in the day (and adding 528 Hz Third Eye Opening music) to be an overwhelming force for good against them, cast them out. The sky opened, many were sucked up. The ground opened, many were sucked down. There was wailing and gnashing of teeth, enough for everyone remaining to take seconds.

My own teeth chattered, because I've got just enough evil in me, exorcists also give me the heebie-jeebies. Were it not for my countervailing good, my hands would've slipped from the joystick and Robby would've taken out the war memorial near the courthouse, a fatal faux pas in this day of superficial cliche patriotism, roused against those football players who refuse to stand, another subject for another day; our society being rife with stupidity, it's hard to cover everything in one swell foop.

Saturday, January 28, 2017

Enter The Tractor Promenade


When the history of this battle is written, let the word go forth, to friend and foe alike, that like Frank Sinatra, win or lose, I did it my way!

A number of years ago I was in the company of some folks who were excited to go see the Tractor Promenade, square-dancing tractors. The guys who drove the tractors were all men, but because square-dancing is generally done by men and women, half of these guys were dressed as women. Not in a pretty way, lest anyone think they shouldn't be allowed to use the restroom, but in an exaggerated way. Big thick wigs, floppy dresses, and beards were part of it.

I wasn't excited about it right away. I mean, look at me, I'm a cool cat; I can't be impressed by the ways of country folk and their laughs, can I? Well, you know what? I'm not really as cool as everyone thinks. Most of my YouTube history reveals I watch a lot of "Hee Haw" clips. (For some reason there aren't full episodes of "Hee Haw" out there, that I've seen.) I like Grandpa Jones, Buck Owens, Roy Clark. Once I hitchhiked nearly 250 miles to see Roy Clark perform, then when I got there, I can't remember what happened, but I never saw Roy Clark. I'm full of stories like that, because I'm not cool.

The charms of square-dancing tractors got to me, to the point that I became a Tractor Head and followed them around. And when I'd see the guys, I'd often make eye contact with them as they performed, a tear in my eye and tapping my heart, as if to say, "You're in my heart, I'm misty, keep that dress and wig on, and shave that beard, and we might get it on." I've been very lucky in life, but, alas, it never happened. I had to turn and walk away, solitary, in tears, clutching my program, and hoping to escape the place without someone laughing at my failure.

Regardless of all personal heartbreak, and especially now that I'm older and losing a lot of my ambition to succeed -- because What's the Damned Use? -- like the Virgin Mary, I've treasured the things of the Promenade and kept them in my heart. I became friends with one of the guys, who now is my contact in this present distress. Putting a end to the terror wave of one Myra Kula Electra!

Friends, she's going down! When she catches sight of the Tractor Promenade, it is going to be so confusing to her. Tractors square-dancing! If what I'm thinking is right. That demons have the kind of mentality that expects a certain amount of order in the world. I believe their mentality is very orderly, despite their reputation for chaos, and very literal. Demons think A leads to B, in a direct line. A doesn't lead to C, you see, because demons are hung up on directness. Tractor square-dancing is antithetical to linear thinking; they'd freak out. Remember the multitude of demons Jesus sent into the herd of swine? They didn't say, "Let's bide our time on this hillside till Jesus is gone, then come out and go about our business." They freaked out directly, ran into the sea, and presumably got wet.

But enough about demons. Get me started like that and I'll talk your leg off. I'm not bragging, but I probably know more about demon psychology than most people my age and of average intelligence. Demons are basically stupid, they just have bullish dispositions, but in a few years they might be president. Say we had someone set the example for them, it could happen. I'd gladly vote Demons for President, because I could cast them out anytime I wanted!

Let me add one more important thing. Myra, I know you read this blog. In the name of everything holy, after you read this post, you must promptly forget it. Thank you.

Friday, January 27, 2017

Mapping Out My Strategy


I'm busy, very busy, checking the signs, getting my forces in place, strategizing, taking time out to run the dishwasher twice today, taking the dog out, and getting myself spiritually aligned. I actually have dealt with dark forces before -- but nothing like exorcisms in Mexico, nothing that bad; I wouldn't mind having a wall just to keep actual demons at bay -- so I'm reasonably familiar with evil. It's something a guy has to be careful talking about, lest he rouse them again. I'll just say there's some bum spirits out there who wouldn't mind getting a piece of me. But I'm strong, like a knife you buy at the State Fair, guaranteed for life.

So, yes, I'm checking the signs and so forth, because honestly I don't know how it's all going to shake out. Whether it might be a 'Rumble in the Jungle' or will simply 'Go Down Downtown'. I've been penciling out a map of the area. I've been in contact with some of my friends in the tractor dancing sector; make note of that, you heard it here first. The guy I've been in contact won't mind me putting his publicity pic up. But just in case, like Jackson Browne, I doctored his eyes to maintain his anonymity.

As to what we know about Myra Kula Electra's plans and her forces, it's very little. There are things we don't know. Like me with the facts of life when I was 16! Ha ha, don't want to go there! I'm a little giddy tonight, maybe you can tell. I guess I get that way every time my life's on the line. With the weight of the world coming down I might get crushed. Like when I was 16, many crushes. Ha ha, the facts of life thing is all moot now -- I got it figured out in time not to need it! By the way, I am not lusting after Myra Kula Electra. Give me a break! Yes, she has a very appealing exterior, but mentally -- I don't know -- public sex with prisoners? That killed it for me.

I just hope she's not smarter than me. That'd be terrible, wouldn't it? Let's say she's got a lot of her evil supernatural buddies, sulfur, fire, balls of fire she could be throwing. I've got nothing like that. If it comes to supernatural stuff, I just have to hope that good actually has the advantage over evil. I'm guessing so; I have theological reasons to think so, but even so I have to hope there's something to it, something more than wishful thinking, or logic that hasn't necessarily been tested.

OK, the map. That's the basic lay of the land. The center of town's where most things happen. It's hard to believe she won't go for downtown, but when? First, second, third? But I think there'll be another part of it, i.e., the supernatural portal at the old coal mound. Remember that? It could be I'm all wet all the way round.

One thing I have to warn you about, this isn't fiction. So you shouldn't expect the basic fiction outline of this battle. Which would be: 1) Setting, engagement; 2) Advantage, Myra; 3) Advantage, Me; 4) She retakes advantage; 5) I'm weakening; 6) Something intervenes; 7) I'm able to rally; 8) Etc. Chances are it won't happen like that. And I seriously have no one to come zip-lining into the scene. Frankly, I'm getting confused. I should probably be saying a few Golden Child mantras to psych myself up. Anyone know any?

I've only been The Golden Child a little over a week. What the hell am I battling Myra Kula Electra for, already? Is that what you get for being The Golden Child? I need to think this over. There should be a few months of happiness first, right? Maybe that's it. I kill (or otherwise neutralize) Myra (the reason suddenly escapes me) then I live happily ever after. Surely there's room in the whole wide world for both of us. There's been room up till now. What changed? I honestly forget why I'm in this battle. That's a bad sign!

Mantra work: "Gol-den-Child you-can-do it-oo-oo."

Thursday, January 26, 2017

Myra: Devil or Demon?


It's a quiet day on the Golden Child front, giving me the sense that this might be the quiet before the storm. Usually things are normal, then there's a storm. Although of course sometimes there's quiet without storms and storms without quiet. I've seen storms followed by quiet, in fact most of them are that way; that's how you know the storm's over. Be all that as it may, there's no storms in the forecast, at least none having to do with the weather.

I'm definitely using the quiet to get prepared. I called my insurance guy to make sure my house insurance is paid up, including the important rider on damages from supernatural sources. Right off the bat, of course that made the guy a little reticent; he came back on after checking the policy and asked if my house was haunted, because that's about ten bucks more a month. I tried to walk it back, saying I was asking for a friend. Anything to save ten bucks.

I'm a little quiet because I don't know what might happen; I'm thinking. It's not like I'm too young to die, but I feel like it. I'm mid-60s -- old by internet standards, I know -- but I'm still in good health. I feel young, not a day over 55. Most of the wistfulness I feel has to do with Myra Kula Electra. I confess, I thought she was hot stuff when I first saw her a couple years ago. She came in, wanting to join my newsletter staff. And she already worked for the Daily News. With my age, I sort of forget why she wanted to join. Seems like she had some shenanigans in mind, something up her sleeve.

She was a good writer, I guess, seems like she was. She does work for the Daily News. Did I mention that? With my age, I'm getting forgetful. My short-term memory's coming up with multiple gaps in the course of days ... seems like it is. It's hard to be sure when you can't remember. Who was I talking about? Myra! Good woman, I thought. Then there was the public sex with the four prisoners -- I might've mentioned that. I'm too tired to look back...

I could call my pastor and ask him to keep me in his prayers. You remember my pastor, Pastor Wadd. We've had the same guy for years. He runs the church according to his own beliefs, which is the best way to do it if you want to stay in office. I've written about him before, I'm sure. His specialty is counseling guys for various sexual addictions, which means he's always on the lookout for anything the least bit shady in his parishioners' personal lives. Even if you don't do anything wrong, like me, you still look guilty anytime he's around.

And if he doesn't like sex, he's equally pissed about anything involving the "New Age Movement" -- if there is such a thing. In fact, anything that doesn't match up with his own narrow belief system -- whatever he was taught by his pappy as a lad -- he's dead-set against. Imagine if I called him about advice with Myra. "Uh, Pastor Wadd, I'm not entirely sure Myra's even an actual human being; there's every chance in the world she might be the manifestation of a demon, a devil, or wraith. I'm not even sure the size she is is her true size. She might be little now just to lure in helpless victims, before showing herself prodigiously huge, the size of an ocean liner stood on end, the size of a sequoia, and so forth. Then the public sex with four prisoners."

For all I know, there is a literal hell. How else do you explain politics these days? And this literal hell, in addition to sending us politicians with hell for brains is sending us prodigious demons posing as beautiful women. You tell me, why else would a prim and proper woman -- dressed often in turn of the (20th) century clothes -- break down in hatred of an old-fashioned guys like me, and, in case I haven't mentioned it, have public sex with four prisoners

If only she didn't appear to "have it goin' on," if you know what I mean. Hubba hubba. Do young people still say Hubba hubba? It has an old fashioned sound to it, but I'm old. What do I do about Myra? Isn't there a verse that says somewhere, "Yea, though he slay me, yet shall I love him"? Something like that. Should that apply to possible girlfriends. Say they can transform in an instant into fire and smoke, a huge red tongue, eyes like the Big Bad Wolf, claws like a thorn tree, and a stomach to hold you and four of your closest friends, with a game room downstairs. Should I love her? She took everything four prisoners had and possibly more, how good could she be?

Yes, I'm wistful. I don't want to see Myra die -- I don't especially want that, maybe a little. But if it has to happen, like it turns out she is a wrathful spirit who's been tormented for 10,000 years, just waiting to consume a sweet young thing like me, perhaps it'd be doing her a favor to kill her. A stake through the heart. Maybe take her head off with tree shears. Which I don't even have. It's a quandary. Just have to play it by ear as it comes.