Monday, April 21, 2014

Conquer the Darkness! -- Light Bulb Hoarding

I think I've about got this light bulb hoarding thing whipped. At the present moment, barring looters and greedy relatives, I have enough light bulbs to last me ... forever ... using them at a typical rate of three a week, not accounting for decreased longevity of said bulbs with the passing of time. I've never seen an expiration date on a light bulb pack.

For any fellow Ayn Rand fans out there, you might say I've gone Full Galt when it comes to light bulbs. I've cornered as much of the market as I need, and I'll be stingy with my stash. The only way I'll even think of disposing of any is if, say, blackberry jelly, which I love, is suddenly in short supply and there's a fellow Galter with a warehouse full of jars. Or, say, they come up with an iPhone battery that miraculously breaks the hour barrier.

That doesn't mean I can't say how I did it, which was secret till now. I've got so many bulbs now, nothing can stop me! I talked to a wholesaler, who shared with me some insider forms. (He helped me in exchange for three jars of jelly.) I rented a mailbox in Arkansas, pretended to be a member of the Walmart family, Sam Walmart, in fact, and started making contacts. Light bulb companies got right back to me, of course, kissing my ass in ways I didn't know existed, extremely pleasurable. It took about a week and in no time my half acre was piled high with bulbs, 45s, 60s, 75s, 100s, and even a few thousand votive candles, which I like for my devotions.

I cashed in some of Grandpa's old AT&T stock, basically emptying one of the mattresses, so now everything's taken care of. Then it was a simple matter of renting a few dozen semi trucks, buying out a local storage company, evicting all the previous tenants, and getting the bulbs and candles neatly arranged. Naturally, I did some spreading around; not everything went to the storage facility, in case of sinkholes or thieves. I also got several thousand safety deposit boxes, and bought the rights to a massive climate-controlled cave, previously only housing classic Hollywood films and TV shows. Let 'em crumble!

Of course I don't have a perfect count on how many bulbs I ended up with, but it has to be over a million. (Wholesalers give you bonuses). That's how much I hate the new squiggly light bulbs! I tried one a few years ago. I had it in my bathroom. You'd go in in the dark, click on the light. There'd be a faint glow -- dismally faint -- that would be nearing its cycle of powering up, around 65%, by the time you were all done and searching for the roll of toilet paper, loose since I hate wasting time putting it on the thing and prefer to have it lying about. That's terrible, my family says, and I say the same goes for the squiggly light bulb's performance.


See also: How Many Light Bulbs Will I Need to Hoard?

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