Thursday, July 24, 2008

Prince Charmless

I'm imagining myself in a serious relationship. I can picture myself being quite charming at first, to win over my lady fair, then clamping down after she's securely enamored by me and letting her know who's boss.

At first my strategy would have to be flowers and tours in a carriage around the half acre. We would spark and spoon in the dark of the moon. And for a year or so we would watch the fireworks from the hill, and make a few fireworks of our own, if you know what I mean. I can see myself gazing deeply into her eyes and uttering sweet nothings, said utterances commencing and finding their logical resolution, her being instantly won over. The next thing in this tender scene would have to be me saying the three most beautiful words a man can say to a woman, which are, "I love you."

I love you, my cherie amor. I love you, my darling, forever.

[Picture calendar pages flying off the wall here, indicating the passage of some amount of time.]

"This is the kitchen, these are the pots, these are the pans, time to make some noise. Dig right in, I'll take me a mean mess of polk salad, and maybe go down to the truck patch and get me some kohlrabi and other greens. I've starving!" See the transition?

Time goes on, and now I taking the old battle axe for granted. I keep a bottle of hootch down inside the loose board in the outhouse. I'm out there taking a leak, then looking out the moon hole. I don't see the old ball and chain coming, so this is a good time to wet my whistle and scratch my throat at the same time. The stuff's a powerful elixir! I'm refreshed but getting meaner by the second.

She's calling me to lunch, let's say, but by now I'm one for barking out orders. I figure by now she's here to serve me, no questions asked. So instead of me going to the dinner table, I sit in my easy chair, watching the fights, and hollering to her: "You know where I am! If you want me to eat you'll bring it to me!" And "It seems like any fool would know I need something to wash this slop down with!"

Of course we live happily ever after.

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