Thursday, January 27, 2011

Mix Your Propoxyphene With Kitty Litter

I see the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) is asking doctors to stop prescribing the pain reliever propoxyphene.

Guess what, this is the first time I've heard of propoxyphene. I don't take it. But this one piece of information somehow fell into my hands, that it's not recommended for prescriptions.

It seems like it'd be tough being a doctor, having to know all this stuff. I've talked with nurses about medicine, and by golly, they know all about it. They can rattle it off -- probably thanks to daily experience rather than having memorized it back in nursing school. As for doctors, who knows what doctors know? I know you seldom see a doctor in the wild. You can barely find them in the buildings they work in; in fact, you can't find them; you just sit in a room with a closed door and, when you least expect it, they magically appear. One day I saw my doctor in a city park during a holiday celebration and I was suspicious; how could this guy appear in public, but it turned out it was just the same magic; there was some kind of wormhole between his office and the park.

Anyway, if you've ever seen a Physician's Desk Reference book (they're about nine inches thick and have over 3,000 pages, and now are available on CD-ROM or via the website, no doubt with a healthy fee, since everything related to doctors and medicine is always immediately 400% higher), you know there's a lot to know about medicine. But, here's a question for you? Have you ever actually seen a doctor look up something in the PDR. No, you haven't. Because they never want to appear that they don't know something. So that's what they're doing! Back in their office with the light pulled down over the desk, with an old copy of the PDR on their chair so they're able to sit high enough to read the new one, frantically studying all this business about propoxyphene.

Would you know how to dispose of propoxyphene, say, if the FDA suddenly asked doctors to quit prescribing it. Assuming it's the size of normal pills and I only had a normal supply, I might flush them down the toilet (I hope that's not politically incorrect). If I did that, they might meet up with some of our dead fish and revive them. Or if I had a bigger supply I might have to get creative, like dousing them with gas and setting them ablaze. That couldn't be good though, unless you lived in the country. The fumes might kill you. (Please don't set your supply afire; this blog is for entertainment purposes only.)

When I came across all this business about propoxyphene -- and it just fell in my lap -- I read the official way of getting rid of it.

Take your propoxyphene out of its original container and mix it with an undesirable substance, such as used coffee grounds or kitty litter. This will make it less appealing to children and pets, and unrecognizable to people who may intentionally go through your trash.

So if you don't drink coffee and you don't have a cat, you're out of luck. This would be a great time to be a cat hoarder, except their cats always just go on the floor, thankfully usually behind the couch where you never notice it until they come to tear down the house. Or a coffee grounds hoarder. Truthfully, there is a song on a CD collection of Porter Wagoner and Dolly Parton about an old daddy who reuses his coffee grounds. And I've found it true -- just like daddy did -- you don't really get the flavor out of a coffee bean till the eighth time it's been through the water.

Still, who wants to sift through used coffee grounds or kitty litter trying to separate out the propoxyphene, especially if you've had the foresight to crunch them up a bit? You're trying to get the last little bit of good out of half a pill and you realize you just swallowed a cat turd with it, it's going to come back up!

Looking at that again, I also like the part about making it unrecognizable to people who may intentionally go through your trash. Please, those people already have problems, an occasional pill's not going to hurt them. Plus, imagine how disappointed they're going to be. "That asshole mixed this propoxyphene with coffee grounds and cat crap! I'm going to get him!" Then they jump on you when you go outside and suddenly you need a pain reliever. Of course if you're a doctor you could go look it up in the PDR, what would be good. Or you can check the garbage you haven't taken out yet, maybe some of the old cat litter wasn't that dirty.

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