What The—! Seriously, What The—!

Part 20 of 30 -- Psycho Squad

Most jobs are like the work of the Psycho Squad. You do it enough and you get it down to a science. Even easier when it's supposed to be a science, gauging the behavior of folks and psychological tinkering when they inevitably screw up. Which means a lot of variables. Like eating a BLT, your gut has three distinct food groups to digest and bread's the ringer. It's so complicated a lot of people don't survive and eat something else next time. And poker comes to mind, holding, folding, bluffing, complaining, distracting each other, underhanded dealing, and secret signals. It's a tough game and I've got the scars to prove it.

With psychos you have to look for every edge. Forget BLTs, their lives are a smorgasbord of food groups no one likes. They're sick and they can make you sick if you're not careful. And they don't give a squat. They hide, they lie, they deceive. You've got to stay ahead of them. Think of yourself dealing with mental flamethrowers and you'll stay ahead. People tell me they’d like to do what I do, run the Psycho Squad or work for it, and I laugh like a bowlful of jelly. Because it helps to think like a psycho without being one. And that’s tough to maintain. I was so into it one day they mistook me for the case, tossed me in the clink and threw away the key. I was steaming, because it took an hour and a half to grind a new one.

So the people are a terror. But you don't want to focus on that all the time. The average guy has a good side and an evil side. Like the lady in the picture. Someone called me on her for having a good and evil self. Which turned out the exact opposite of what you’d think. The mirror side of her was what I'd call the real side and the young beholding side was the mirror image. Like in a hall of mirrors. Lots of reflections of yourself from many different angles. I used to do that with a mirror so I could comb the back of my head. Then it got to the point where I went bald on the front so I gave up on the back. I run my fingers through it now and haven’t seen it in years. I don’t know what it looks like. According to my fingers, there’s something there, but what, I don’t know and no one ever tells me. It's sort of crusty. There's a Psycho Squad lesson in there somewhere.

Maybe you're always looking for ways to identify whether you have a psychosis and related states. Here's some pointers: If no one acts like anything’s wrong with you, you're probably OK. Or they might be faking it until they’re safely out of your presence, then they’ll organize and invade. The best way to know if you’re about to be picked up is this: Wait long enough and if no one shows up, you weren’t about to be picked up. But remember, if you’re going to be picked up, they never just show up; they're organizing. Hang out, chill, and if someone kicks in the door, that'll be your first clue.

Enjoy Your Hair, Boys, While You Can

Look at these sad 40-year-olds. Take a look, guys, that's you at 40 (or less). It's gonna happen, there's no doubt about it, and there's nothing much you can do about it, in fact, nothing. I know your response: "Then I shall live like there's no tomorrow, for there isn't!" That'd be fine, except such living leads to a greater appreciation for life, making your depression at 40 that much more devastating. Better to live resigned today and spare yourself the absolute depths tomorrow.

Believe me, I know all about this subject, like every other guy over 40. I was fine at 39, then as 40 neared, I woke up every morning with entire handfuls of hair on my pillow. Soon the supply diminished, the handfuls got smaller, until the remaining supply didn't know what to do. The fact that I still have hair at the edges, much like the third guy from the left (above) is my only consolation. But there's nothing good about it. You're always tempted to try a comb over, only to be called on it by guys under 40.

This painful subject's always on my mind, of course, but it came to my mind more powerfully today because I happened to see maybe 12 youngsters at church with bushy bushy hair. One kid's was very wavy, full, and even in his eyes. He had something of that Freddie Bartholomew charismatic look, you know, or perhaps a little more unruly, like Douglas Croft. Then my mind automatically pictured him at 30 or 40, balding, balding, bald, and I thought, "You poor innocent!" All he'll have is a slick head and a picture of himself as a kid. His kids, assuming he's able to find a woman, will look at it and laugh, "Dad, you had so much hair!" Of course he'll take it in stride, like every old man must, our daily cross.

Another kid's hair was just like Anthony Wager's, you know? with more than a hint of Johnny Sheffield, at least in the curl. I thought, "God, there but for the age of me, go I!" (Hope these references from the 1920s aren't too obscure.) And another's was very nice, straight like Jackie Coogan's, the young Jackie. What a head of hair! Beautiful, straight, but full, and we all know what happened to Jackie. Bald as a light bulb, with, in fact, a light bulb in his mouth! "Spare me a similar fate, O God, keep me under 40!" might be your prayer.

The ideal thing -- and I know I'd never get their undivided attention -- would be to talk to them. And share some wise advice. Marry young would be at the top of the list. Get her locked in, deny her an education if you must, anything to keep her when you hit 40. Although, thinking it over, maybe an education wouldn't be so terrible, just so you keep her entirely dependent in some other way. Say she's learned the piano and is brainwashed, thinking you're behind her talent. Because, believe me, 40 arrives before you know it. The speed of time literally doubles at 30.

These boys also might need advice on their career. You need an early start, even if it means baling on high school. If you have even a hint of giftedness -- or you can fake it -- present yourself as a prodigy and get a leg up on the competition. I know there's a million businesses out there that'd snap up a prodigy (or impersonator) in a heartbeat. Memorize a bunch of stuff, be pushy, be confident... and by the time 40 gets here and your hair's gone, you'll be locked in. With the right luck, you'll be president of the company and able to call your own shots.

One critical thing to avoid is this -- anxiety. Now, maybe everything I've said so far has made you anxious. Big mistake on your part. It is critical -- critical, I say! -- for you to remain calm. Quick, take a deep breath! Quicker! There's no time to lose! OK, exhale it slowly, slower! for crying out loud! Good God! Somewhat off to a bad start ... now, back up -- you've just speeded up the balding process. Advice: Take a nap and come back.

You can readily see, I hope, the psychology of balding is very tricky. Consider these statistics: If anyone even suggests to you that you will go bald, as I'm suggesting today, your likelihood of being bald early based on that alone is an extra 50%. Then, and this is no joke, the more you think about it, the more you worry about it, the percentage rises. It's been my experience -- and I'm bald -- that simply noticing other bald men helps you focus on the threat, to the point that you can think of nothing else, and you'll be bald at 25. Seriously, I know a guy just over 25 who couldn't think of anything else. Now he's bald and can't think of anything else.

Probably the best advice is to enjoy your hair while you can. Because it's going to happen. Just don't worry so much about it. Impossible, I know, but worth a try.

The First Step

The first step in having self-esteem is to orient yourself to the idea.

Let's say you're as low as can be. Everyone else is better than you. You're too fat, too thin, not enough hair, or hair everywhere. I know I have extremely bad hair. I took some pictures of myself yesterday with my dog. The first thing I noticed is my terrible hair. So I'm as low as can be on that aspect of my appearance, for the sake of this example.

Your self-esteem is in the pits. I know how it goes. I still think of myself the way I was when I was between 16-21. Young, good hair, cute hair, a lively step, no bags under my eyes, no wrinkles, didn't feel tired all the time. But we all get old -- if we're lucky. And it's no fault of your own. It's just that time and its steady progress is inexorable.

You feel like "whatever it is" you can't do it. That's how far down your self-esteem is. If only I could be someone else, which of course can't be done. I mean, I guess I could do something about my terrible hair. One thing, it's so thin on top now I'm legally bald. I'm going to look at my tax form and see if there's a deduction for that. I know there's one for legally blind. But if you're blind you're lucky, because you can't see your terrible hair. I could get a wig or a toupee.

I really think people who wear toupees, mostly men, don't have high self-esteem. If they did they'd just bare it. Not that I'm saying don't do anything to enhance your appearance. I might be cutting my remaining hair a little shorter. One thing I hate is the idea that people might be thinking I'm trying to do a comb over. Which I'm actually not. It's just that I've combed my hair a certain way all these years, literally through thick and thin. It didn't occur to me till a month ago that people might think that. Because when I look at myself in the mirror, I actually see someone with hair. At a certain angle, the angle at which you look in the mirror, it doesn't look so bad. But a photo is more objective, especially if you get an angle you're not used to.

My own self-esteem is fairly low, if you can't tell. But that's good, in a way, because it puts me in the same boat as the rest of you. And since I'm trying to work on myself, you see, the same principles that possibly work for me, I'll be able to share with the rest of you. But I'm a little different than most people in this sense, that I've been consciously thinking about my low self-esteem for years. Therefore I have numerous things I've learned already. So you may be starting at square one, but I'm clear out there, miles ahead of that.

I'm also kind of a different in another way. I also have high self-esteem at the same time. Notice how I seem to be praising myself like every other line. I've always had the conviction that no matter how inferior I felt, I compensated for it by the feeling of superiority. So I'm going both ways all the time. All the time. I said I had bags under my eyes. That's true. But technically I should only have a bag under one eye. But the optic nerve only has one switch.

So I understand where you're coming from, if your problem is low self-esteem. (We're assuming that high self-esteem is preferable. But that's debatable. Still, that's the assumption everyone makes. I'm honestly not so sure. At times, and maybe, again, it's because I go both ways simultaneously, I think it's better to be in the pits. Why? Because it's very realistic. If you're losing your hair, your looks, and you're tired all the time, why have high self-esteem? You'll just be running around playing the fool. Young people will look at you and mock. This guy is clearly an old codger and he's pretending to be a spring chicken! But if you had low self-esteem you'd be sitting at home, avoiding the ridicule.

But let me stick with orthodoxy. (No one's hiring me to counsel them in how to have low self-esteem.) Low self-esteem is detrimental to your sensibilities, your outlook. You had it all when you were young, let's say, and now you look at yourself, you don't even recognize yourself. I know I don't. Then I realize this is what everyone's seeing when they look at me! It's dreadful. I hate it. And I always had great hair too. I really did. I used to poof it all up, wave it around, and let it rest in a delicate mound on my head. It was cool. Then I'd put on some granny glasses, a tight T shirt, blue jeans and sandals. I was hip.

But now, I clean a little clump of hair out of the bathtub drain everyday. And then it's resting in a delicate mound in the trash can. The garbage guy comes around every week. And there goes about six clumps of hair. On the bright side, the clumps are getting progressively smaller. On the not-so-bright side, it's because there's less and less to lose.

I don't want to give the impression that self-esteem depends entirely on looks. It really doesn't. Looks help, of course. If you have them, keep them. And if you figure out how to keep them, let me know. I don't want to take shots. And creams don't work that well for me. And I'm not wasting any money on hair products. So if you have any to sell, keep moving! Self-esteem doesn't depend entirely on looks. You can have it without looks. I've heard of it.

Let's get to the end. Like I said at the beginning, the first step in having self-esteem is to orient yourself to the idea. Then ask yourself, "Why not me?" It's a great question. "Why not me? If other people have high self-esteem, why not me? It may as well be me as anyone. And it will be, starting ... NOW."

If you don't get it right away, just keep asking yourself, "Why not me?" Keep asking until you can't think of any reason. At that point, you're on the verge of having exactly what you want.