Whip The Bastards Out

Part 21 of 30

Self-Abuse September

Here’s an story of a fairly illicit relationship -- the school manuals forbid it -- Old Mr. (teacher) and two young students, both close to 21, so old because years before they'd been held back to repeat Kindergarten, 1st, and 2nd grades. (There's a blurb about them and their dubious achievement in the world record books.) Old Mr. walked into a semi-private dark section of the hall and caught them both in the act of self-abuse, in flagrante delicto, as the Latin calls it, which means something like “with each other’s business flagrantly in hand and diddling with delight, possibly involving the tongue.”

Of course he scolded them mercilessly -- cussing them up one side and down the front -- with a lot of strenuousness, really all the scorn he could muster, because, let’s face it, this is huge shocking stuff. Anyone would be disappointed and even perplexed, and in this case he had enough righteous anger to pour it on at some length, laying it on thick and with fully justified condescension.

Well, Old Mr. couldn’t be everywhere at once, so he assigned them to the buddy system, to monitor each other and keep each other accountable. Which went great for a while, but I'd say it was predictable (like moths making out over a candle) that since the act they engaged in was the desire of each, what was to hold them back from an ongoing alliance? There were certainly tails told out of class. Meaning nothing could hold them back, so they were right back at it yet again, laying it on thick with each other, then thicker yet.

But the guilt -- such brutal overpowering guilt -- got the best of them and they decided, "Being equally guilty we should go tell Old Mr. even the randiest details of our sins and seek undeserved absolution." When, what do they find, but Old Mr. himself so completely oblivious to his surroundings that without interruption they were able to witness a full program of sexual wantonness. Another case of up one side and down the other. He had both a Mademoiselle and Lady’s Day magazine and was simultaneously going through them while self-abusing first atop the piano, then by the fireplace, then sprawled on the table in the teachers' lounge, then in the teachers' kitchenette while juggling knives yet never missing even one sooooooothing, sennnnnsuous stroke.

Suddenly, then, a good half hour into his raging act for the ages -- the choreography was impeccable -- he noticed the students standing there. Oops! His rather daunting full-length doodad quickly shriveled to nearly nothing. And he knew he’d been had, that old hypocrite and reprobate. But in the spirit of making it up to them -- not as commendable as it sounds under the circumstances -- and wanting to make the most of any hard feelings, he said to the guys, “OK, boys, you caught me, and I know what you’re thinking...” Then he waved and looked at his watch and in the spirit of the moment said, “You’re now both officially 21. Whip the bastards out, let’s make amends.”

Yes, I Teach My Disciples Deeper Things

The question came up from one of my more faithful readers, "Is your teaching the same for everyone, or do you make distinctions for the---" That was his question word for word. As you can see, he broke it off without finishing, perhaps because he didn't know exactly how to word it. Or maybe he thought it was a stupid question and decided to cut his losses. (I don't think it's a stupid question.) Or maybe he was simply abashed by his effrontery, asking me something like that, thinking, If I wanted him to know, I'd tell him.

Well, have no fear, dear one, I am happy to tell you. You must know how open I am to all seekers, and what a true welcome I give to your questions. I'm nothing if not full of love and grace. I've never turned away a true seeker yet, and since that's the way it's been, that's probably the way it will be for the foreseeable future. You can ask me basically anything. Of course I don't want overly personal questions --no one would -- like what's a typical shower like for me, or how often do I change my underpants. (It's everyday, I guess I don't mind that question, since there's nothing embarrassing about it.)

But first I need to finish his question. "Is your teaching the same for everyone, or do you make distinctions for the uninitiated, the facile, the moronic, the surface-dweller, the common Joe, the sightseer, the dullard, and/or the shallow?"

The answer is a qualified YES. I would qualify it by saying, theoretically, the fullness of my teaching is available to anyone. I realize we're all seekers (I used to be), and that we don't have what we're seeking for, and often we're ignorant of what it even is. So I don't make distinctions, theoretically; I want everyone to know that he is welcome to sit at my feet and to receive what he needs.

But that's in theory; the practical truth, for one reason or another, is that not everyone is ready, and, frankly, there's no time wasting their time or mine in those instances. They may not be wise enough to see it. I find that's very typical. But I am wise enough to make that judgment, and it's usually a snap judgment, with my record so far being 100% accuracy. I can just look at you, and maybe listen to you guffaw loudly, or clap someone on the back in an outrageous way, and say, "This person isn't ready." So I send them off.

Whether, then, folks wander in darkness, never finding their way back to the light, of course that's possible. But I figure, you know, it's a big world, there's only one of me, and I can't be all things to all people, try as I might. I'm just happy to know I can pluck a few of these poor souls out of the fire. That's fulfilling to me.

So I am, of course, open and willing to teach people the wisdom they need. And I do it, day after day, sometimes till I'm literally about to drop. Even in those extreme moments, I do it with dedication, even if I can barely go on. But, yes, a lot of those folks are getting the shallower version of things, the truth they're able to grasp or bear. And they're happy, because for the most part they're oblivious to the fact that there's more to it!

But for the true seeker, meaning the one who is really ready, I am also ready, ready to take them under my wing and to share with them the deeper things. It's those who receive the full provision for their body, mind, soul, and spirit.

Great question!