Birthday Boons for All!

My birthday is finally here, this year on January 16. I'm seriously glad it's not on the 29th, because I was about to bust waiting on it. Unlike others my age, over 40, I love having birthdays. It only means I'm getting older and wiser. Right now, as has been true of recent years, I'm bubbling over with wisdom. I don't know how much wiser a man can be, but I'm willing to find out!

Thank you, dear kingdom, for your many tributes to me on this day of days. Messages of greetings have poured in in recent days, and I know it will be a major task for my servants to open them all and get them in good order for me to peruse later. If you do not receive a personal acknowledgement of your kindness from me, please let this word suffice, that I do appreciate it and wish boons on you and your household.

Closer to home, here within the palace walls, of course the celebration is already at fever pitch. Several of my servants have dressed me in white robes and fetched my royal mount for my annual march through the city. Two of my most trusted lieutenants accompany me today, the dusky Eric the Great, governor of my harem, and Tommy the Eunuch, who keeps an eye on him. The townspeople follow behind, presenting their grievances, knowing that boons will be lavished on all on this sainted day.

Throughout the day there are carnivals, games of sport, and turkey legs for all. It's as good and better than any Renaissance Festival, including the same massive cleavage piled up everywhere, with the plastic ice coolers they sometimes put there in the very center, keeping cool the meat of the goodie. The women of the realm enjoy getting those with their annual gift packs, which also includes the year's calendar with my birthday prominently featured on every page and a coupon for a side of fries with their turkey leg.

The men, away all year fighting my many wars, are brought back five days before my birthday. It is a gladsome time for them, as they become acquainted with the babies their wives gave birth to after they were last home. We tend to have a lot of October babies, great for the pumpkin farms that are all over the countryside. Plus, every child under 1 gets a coupon for a free pumpkin when they're in season, with the price being 50% off for all other kids. So they're happy.

Other boons are distributed. Every year, through the course of the year, I personally "hide" (or "unfollow," not "unfriend") about half of my Facebook friends for various offenses. They may be too rabidly conservative, too sentimental, too prone to cute cat photos, post too many things, too religious, offering adoration to other kings; the list is endless, all of which drives me crazy. But on my birthday, all is forgiven. Everyone is "followed" once again! For at least the next 24 hours. That's only fair.

The parade is about to begin! I must tear myself away from all distractions and give full attention to the high school bands who have worked and struggled all year to pay their way to my palace. I see one coming into view now. The band that came the greatest distance is always first. The first one this year has come all the way from Ukraine. That's thousands of miles, the other side of the world! The kids of that particular school actually had to raise money for three years to get here today! Quite a sacrifice!

And here they come. Let me watch as they pass. They've got a big sign. I can't make it out. It's some oddball language. I assume it says "High School of Whatever," OK, great. Probably the Fighting Putins, since they're always in a pickle with Russia. They're playing some strange song, sounds like a mash-up of "On Wisconsin" and "O Vladimir." The kid on bass drum is about half the size of his drum, a bad look. But there's a couple cute girls toward the back. Their uniforms probably could've been cleaner, spiffier, nicer, but they did their best ... I hope ... I suppose. And there they go, passing out of sight.

I'm so happy for their coming that one of the boons that I shall grant this year shall be "Full Independence for Ukraine!" The men of my realm shall drive the Russians from Ukraine. They shall do their best. At least liberating this one particular high school. How poor these kids look. I'm sending Tommy the Eunuch to distribute coupons for free turkey legs for all. And a free pumpkin when they're in season. It's the least I can do.

How Are Things in the Ukraine?

Pictured above is one of the very helpful reports my blog receives from my exclusive partnership with Google. It shows my pageviews by country. I'm not going to say if it's daily, weekly, yearly, or all time. But it's one of those.

I happen to be in the United States, so of course I'm heartened that most of my pageviews are from home. This is the audience I frankly prefer, since most of them know English and are not located so far away as to be mucho foreign. As an aside, I'd like there to be a few United Kingdom visitors for the same reason, instead of all these other screwball places. But you know what they say about begging and choosing.

Still, look at what I'm dealing with! Canada, a measly 8? I can see France coming in at 11; I never speak Canadian, but once in a while I use French, like raison d'etre and savoir faire, so they like to see that. Turkey, I don't get, probably something to do with my Thanksgiving posts. Then there's the complete inscrutability of the others, excluding Germany, since I do on occasion say something about the war. Then Taiwan! Russia! China! Give me a break. All that's crazy, but the very craziest is Ukraine coming in just after the United States! It's the rabbit and hare all over; if America slept a mere 20 minutes, Ukraine would pass us and win!

My actual theory on what's going on sounds very dark, I know, even conspiratorial, but I'm going to say it anyway. Who's more into hacking, gambling, the black market, the sale of body parts, bootlegging, illicit drugs, and dropping out in the 8th grade than these countries? Over there, if you live to be 5 you've beaten the odds. So they're doing something with otherwise neglected websites like mine. Let's say it's like this: I have zero contact with any of them, making my blog the perfect decider for bets. They could look up a post, deciding that X number of characters from a particular line settles something. Web blackjack, roulette, vault combinations, longitudes and latitudes for mumble-peg tournaments, etc.

Going through the possibilities, I'm halfway afraid to ever quit writing. They might set my house on fire. And with global warming and a foolish thatch roof, that's nothing to joke about. I sometimes don't blog for a week at a time, then I get nervous I'm going to see a foreign head pop up on my screen making threats in a tongue I don't understand ... But I would understand the finger cocked like a gun. ... It's scary, the freaking Ukraine!?

If any Ukraine-ites do contact me, I'll try my best to mollify them, such as expressing solidarity with them against Putin, if that's how they swing. Solidarity with Putin if otherwise. Maybe they'll comment on my blog what they might otherwise tweet if Twitter goes down and they need a functioning outlet. For example, I'll say, "Ukraine, how are things?" They'll say, "Could be better," "There's shortages," or, "Tell your NRA patriots, send ammo."

That's important stuff, making it critical -- essential -- that I keep posting. I'm sure one of them is thinking right now, "There are shortages. For example, Putin has a short fuse, and who knows what else? He's willing to show his upper half, why not the lower?"

I'd absolutely love to get a tribute like so: "We need more Grandma Slump posts. It's the only thing that gets us through these tough nights. What with the Army rock 'n' rolling all night and partying every day." That's vivid, a slice of life under siege, and a decent compliment for me.

Grandma Slump Takes Ukraine By Storm

Look at the global reach of my blog this week. (For the graphic, I dropped off all the countries after Germany who aren't keeping up. But they were United Kingdom (7), Malaysia (5), Romania (4), Sweden (3), United Arab Emirates (2), and Canada (2).

What's precisely wrong with Canada, I don't know. Don't they have the internet up there? 2, that's barely one per province. They have provinces up there. They're very provincial. I could go up and teach them a few proverbs, see if they could prove themselves, and dump a little provender on the ground, anything to provoke them. Wake up!

The United Arab Emirates, I'm not sure what that even is. Is that the name of a country? It sounds like a subdivision of a country or a sports team. I suppose they're very into oil. I remember my dad teaching me how to change oil in the car. Over there, it's probably a dime a gallon, so it doesn't cost much for the kids to have someone else do it.

Sweden. I like the Swedes. I knew some Swedes, they made a big deal of the fact that they still knew Swedish after all these years. There was this one old guy, 90-something, and his wife would tell me, "Pete's talking the Swede!" I couldn't understand a thing. And one day I found a bunch of Swedish books. Tried to sell them on eBay but no one wanted them. If only I'd had these three visitors back then!

Romania and Malaysia, I think they're doing very good at 4 and 5. Because the last time I consciously visited a Romanian or Malaysian site, I can't remember when it might've been.

The United Kingdom, they're tied with Germany at 7. I'm a little more disappointed with the UK, which is why I clipped them from the graphic. After all, we share the same language, and I've listened to music from England (the Beatles, Stones, probably others). They need to step it up and read my stuff, or, who knows, I might turn on them, too.

That brings us to the big boys. Russia and Ukraine. Look at that, 13 and 77 from the Ukraine all by itself! Obviously something happened, because I don't remember any spike like that from there before. The thing is, I'm just guessing, one of my posts must have been linked on one of their sites. I can't figure it out, but I've had a number of traffic sources that appear to be Russian gambling sites. And the traffic is all centered on one post of mine from 2009, "Sternness Meets Creampuffness."

I had to look the post over, because I forgot what it was about. It had to do with self-esteem and personal pride, bringing forth strength in your personality. I used wrestling/rasslin' imagery, with Sternness facing Creampuffness (psychological states) and beating the crap, or cream, out of Creampuffness. So my guess is, these Ukrainians are visiting gambling sites that have something to do with wrestling matches, and in there somewhere, this post got linked.

It's still a good message, so I hope they're lingering long enough to be encouraged. Bring forth the stronger sides of your personality, and, seriously, don't let Creampuffness get the upper hand.