Every Hideous Siren

The Big City

Part 26 of 28

Wanna know how big the Big City is? This has to do with sirens. OK, say you’re at the south border of the Big City blowing a siren. That’s loud. But if you're a listener at the north border, you won't be able to hear it. That ruffles my feathers a bit, because everyone in town should know: "Help is on the way! 

I come from a much smaller town and there was one huge siren everyone got to hear if there was the slightest problem: Tornado, nuclear attack, shady peddlers in town, discounts at the car wash. The tiniest town on earth, but one huge honking siren. But here in The Big City, they need a whole siren network, and of course they can blow all of them in many different places, because everyone's having an emergency at the same time. Maybe the airport’s on fire or the river’s out of its banks or peddlers are pushing cheap knockoffs, the sirens are much more localized.

Whether they’re localized very often like that is hard to say. Just sitting here with the typical layman’s ear, depending on what the traffic’s like in the neighborhood, I can focus and hear a siren somewhere, a virtually constant thing. There was the weirdest siren I've heard just today somewhere. It appeared that an ambulance was tuning their siren, or maybe clearing a dead duck out of the horn. It was kind of a whining quacking noise. I passed by kind of fast but the attendant definitely looked embarrassed.

I came back into the Big City on Christmas Eve this past year and was thinking, “The holiday, no one should be in an accident tonight.” Which held true for all my travels, until I was literally less than a mile from home. Sirens and particular roads blocked off because of maybe three vehicles that slid on the ice and went boom. Of course I was miffed, being that close. I had to detour around streets that I’m only half familiar with. Fortunately I’d seen most of them when I’d been lost previously, so there were only a few surprises. I played it instinctively, thinking things like, “This road can’t be an alley because it’s wider than an alley.” Then when I caught sight of definite things I always see, I let out a huge sigh of relief. 40 more feet of ice, about a third the size of a football field, and even with that, I could step on it too much and still end up dying. Thanks to these idiots who lost it on the ice; what’s the matter, don't you know how to drive?

Anyway, about the sirens. It’s quite remarkable how many are going off -- one just a minute ago, in fact -- and as often as they are. When I was in the small town before moving to A bigger town, every siren was a subject for discussion. In the bigger town, it was divided into 4, so you only heard every fourth siren. But in the Big City, if my ears can localize a dozen sirens just in my vicinity, you have to multiply that out by all the different vicinities and it’s shocking. There’s something like 1,300 sirens going off in the Big City every day! No wonder geese avoid the place. They're disoriented and end up in Honduras.

Why The Cow Goes Moo

The cow didn't always say moo. And there's no reason to suppose it did, even if the way it worked out would seem to indicate the way it started. We tend to think nothing makes progress in time. So when God created the cow it came down a shute and the first thing it said was moo.

No, no. And once again, dear friends -- don't be skeptical -- I have traversed the corridors of whatever, most of the time swimming upstream, to reference the Akashic Records. It's not that hard to do, however it is very frustrating because the other quacks who came before me got them very messed up and out of order.

But if you're looking for particular files, things that the average clairvoyant doesn't care very much about, such as on the evolving vocabulary of cattle, they're not too messed up. Most people of course are more interested in the words and travels of Jesus, how Buddha came to be fat and skinny at the same time, and why George Washington cut down the cherry tree. They've pretty much left questions on the various animal vocabularies, and the more subtle things of animal dialects, alone.

Speaking of myself, I'm interested in all these things. One, because I really respect cattle for coming up with something so simple and catchy, and not that far off the mark, as should be clear to anyone, from the Primal/Original Mind sound of OM. It's just flipped around, hinting first at dyslexia, or more purposefully at humor, or perhaps it's merely the same exact thing, only as seen from a consciousness apparently different in typical expression from our own. I frankly don't see a downside to saying MOO, being convinced that it doesn't make a bit of difference.

Anyway, getting back to the Akashic Records. Here's what I have to say about the Records. They're better than nothing. If it weren't for the Records, I'd simply have to make this up, about the cow. And if I did that, perhaps folks wouldn't see in it the same authority. Which isn't to say the original Akashic author didn't simply make it up, but since He and She is a lot more mysterious, we're willing to buy it.

So, please, if you're in that camp, just let me just transcribe the damned thing and be done with it. Here's some of the other vocabulary the platonic perfect cow and its immediate descendants toyed with:

Pistoloops, mamasita, hotsprings, ruff-ruff, lipschitz, palmolive, google, repubpuke, [multiple retching noises based on repubpuke], quaffone, skipbo, passgo, obladi-oblada, poopshute, sadchidananda, chuckbook, checksum, kindlebook, goku, kubball, oompaloompa, cockadoodledo, smorgabord, frootloops, sexawowsa, and vavavoom.

How it was narrowed down to moo is an amazing story in itself. They saw a baby cow walking through the pasture who kept saying MOO. They started making fun of it, then they made fun of it so much, continually, that it finally stuck. It's the old line about "First, they laugh at you..." come to life!

Noisy-Neighbors Church Moves Out

I was driving through town today and was interested to see that a particular church had moved out of their spot.

I have a friend who works in the same building, and he's told me a thing or two about the church, in short, that they're noisy neighbors. But since there's no limits to religious liberty, more or less, no one's been able to quiet them.

It reminds me of one time I visited a church with a friend of mine when I was a kid, and the preacher called on the congregation to make a lot of noise, so the folks of the neighborhood would know they were there. Back then there was no air conditioning, so the windows were open, and he thought that would be a good testimony. "Let's let them hear us way down the block!"

The church in question in this office building isn't the same kind of place. They keep their windows closed to keep in the cool air in the summer and heat in the winter. But up till they left they were still very noisy.

So here's the set-up. We've got a three story building. On the first floor is an office supply store along with some private offices. The store is where my friend works. On the third floor is something else; I can't think of what it is exactly, except people were definitely there when church was in session. And on the second floor was the church. They rented space, got it started, and now, presumably having built up a healthy-sized congregation, they've moved on.

The nature of the church. It's not one of your standard denominations. But some kind of church -- involving foreign practices -- that tends to make a lot of noise. If you're below them, of course it's worse than if you're above them, but neither one, reportedly, was all that great. For the folks below, there was jumping, tromping, stomping, and even pounding on the floor. For the folks above, there was actual touching, whacking on the ceiling, along with a few shouts. And even the murmuring of prayers, if you get enough people doing it, creates a disturbance. I probably don't have to note the obvious, that their heads and consequently their mouths were closer to the ceiling than the floor, meaning the folks on the third floor could easily be disturbed by the noise.

I was reluctant to say this. I was going to leave out this one little detail. But I also visited this church one time. Don't ask me why. But I actually did. One day I was looking for a place to park, like a getaway spot to spend a little time. I think I was drinking coffee. And I happened to pull in their parking lot. It was a Sunday. I saw their sign. And I thought, Why not? even though I don't like the discomfort of visiting any church the first time. But at this particular church, not one of your standard churches, they pretty much left me alone. All except for one very nice lady -- maybe they're called sisters -- who explained to me about the wall hangings and whatnot. I asked her about their doctrine and she was kind enough to fill me in. Then the service started, and I can attest that the bowing and scraping and calling out, with an increasing noise level, were real, then the reaching up to the ceiling, etc.

Here's what I wanted to get to, how the noise affects those above and those below. Those below have their own experience of the noise, as is true of those above. The more noise those above hear, the less pleased they are. Likewise, the more noise those below hear, the less pleased they are. Those above are most concerned about the noise that comes their way. And those below are most concerned about the noise that they hear. We're all funny like that! Just so the noise is disturbing someone else, who cares? But as soon as it disturbs us, that's when we get up in arms!

Now that they're gone -- and I'm not sure where they went -- those above and those below will be happy, no more noise. But what if? And I'm not saying I have any inside information, what if they get an even noisier neighbor than the church was? Like another church that's even noisier. Then, one can't help believing, they'd be wishing they had the original church back, however noisy it was!