Showing posts with label restrooms. Show all posts
Showing posts with label restrooms. Show all posts

Sunday, July 20, 2014

I'm Interested in Local (Lascivious) History


This isn't 100 years ago, back in the dark ages of history; this is now. So it's possible, and could be easily done, to know what's going on today. I always want to know what's going on. And if you're honest with yourself -- fat chance -- you do too! Because somewhere, someone's trying to get away with something. That much is established fact.

If you try to do it with older history -- stuff from a really long time ago -- you might get the rough outlines but that'd be it. And I venture to say you're not likely to get that much. Everyone's dead and there's no witnesses. Plus, add to that, the local landscape changes. A restroom in a local park from 100 years ago is no longer there, because the park isn't even there! Or they were doing this stuff upstairs at the saloon.

I sometimes wonder, if you could go back 100 years in time if people would just clam up. I've heard they had a greater sense of propriety than we do today, since we're a lot more open about lascivious things. I've personally heard people these days being very open -- painfully so -- about their love life, who did what to whom when. For embarrasment's sake, of course, it's tough listening, although it gives you a lot to reflect on later.

With this openness, you'd think you could just go up to someone and ask them what's going on. But I get the impression that even today people would clam up, especially if you were a complete stranger accosting them upon their exit. I'll give an example. I was at a picnic table one day and thought about going over to the facilities to go to the bathroom. Since I seriously don't want to be in there when someone else shows up -- park facilities are scary -- I spent an hour charting the comings and goings of people. I was able to establish that on average the facilities are visited about every 7 minutes. OK, in I went, and noticed a bunch of lascivious graffiti on the walls. I said to myself, "Somebody did this!" But which one, the guy from an hour ago? Was it one of the guys 7 minutes later, or 7 minutes after that, etc.? It wasn't me!

These places are obvious hotspots of a sort throughout the day, and, I'd guess, worse at night. Even though they technically close at 10:00 p.m., am I supposed to believe that an attendant shows up at precisely 10 o'clock every single night? I doubt it. That's a lot of weird history taking place nearly every minute of the day, 24 hours a day, on average every 7 minutes. I contend this stuff ought to be exposed to the light of day, documented and passed on to future generations. Who will have plenty of problems of their own.

I had the opportunity to investigate further today, but didn't take it. It was like this: I left the house and was way too early to pull into the church parking lot. So I went over to a different park, because there's some good shade there and I could stay cool while passing time. Naturally I didn't know when the 7 minutes started, but there was a truck pulled up next to the facilities. I thought, "Deja vu all over again." This phrase just popped in my head. Then like clockwork, here comes some guy out. That much is public record. But what he was doing -- the history of it -- is unknown. You could simply go up and say, "Excuse me, sir, what were you doing in there? Were you writing anything on the walls? Were you waiting for someone who didn't show up? Are you ashamed of yourself? Is that why you're refusing to answer? Sir, please, put your fists down! I'm sure we can resolve this amicably without nasty faces." Then I run across the lawn and step in about 12 episodes of dog droppings, another matter of park history that needs documentation.

Whatever he was doing, it was very possibly quite innocent. Or shameful and unforgivable.

Other things of of local history that one just aches to document would be: What goes on in old barns, knowing farm kids used to seeing animals breed, people walking briskly as though exercising (is that just cover after leaving someone's house?), and cat burglars in apartments, whether in broad daylight or under the cover of darkness. I'd love to bust a few of those guys. The key thing is I'm just looking for local history, as much as I can muster.

Monday, November 8, 2010

A Live Turkey At The Restaurant

This is an undoctored photo. No doctors were consulted in the making of it.
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I was at the restaurant yesterday, which was busy. So I got to spend some time in the waiting room. Even though there were plenty of tables in plain sight. I was there so long, I expected a nurse to call me in for a urine sample.
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I started observing everyone. There was a guy right by the cash register, waiting for a refill on his coffee. He got the refill and immediately went into the bathroom. I thought that was odd. Why not let the waitress get the coffee, tell her he's going to give a urine sample, and he'll get the coffee when he gets back? I wouldn't want to take my drinks into the bathroom.
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Maybe Karen and Richard Carpenter were there. After I waited for a while, the hostess called out "Carpenter." At first I thought of the Seinfeld episode where the Chinese guy calls out "Cartwright." My name isn't Carpenter. Then I thought, maybe the Carpenters are here. Maybe I'll see the late Karen Carpenter come by, asking me if I thought I'd be out there long, to which I could've said, "We've only just begun."
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After a while it was Standing Room Only in the waiting room. In fact, there was a 10 minute wait just for a bench.
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Someone had put a live turkey in the arcade claw machine. That was weird. A live turkey as a prize! But it was a moneymaker. Kids kept dropping the claw on its head, but it gobbled in alarm and pulled away. It was disgusting. It was getting turkey droppings all over the other toys.
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I came up with a pun for "peeing up a storm," which was hurinecane. The guy with the coffee made me think of that, since coffee has that effect on me. Being in the bathroom with the coffee might not be such a bad idea.
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I looked outside and saw a couple yellow motorcycles speeding by. It reminded me of a show I saw on TV about a guy in Israel who robbed banks. He'd speed away on a yellow motorcycle. It took them forever to catch him. So I was crying out, "It's that Israeli!" But everyone looked skeptical. "No, it is really!"
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I heard a waiter asking a customer, "Did everything come out all right?" I thought that was a little personal.
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I also came up with a syndicated cartoon strip (potential) that involves side by side graves.
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That's Earl, brother!

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Public Restrooms Is Socialism

I hate public restrooms. In fact, the only time I'll use one is when I need to. Otherwise, I won't.

You never know what you're going to find in there. It's usually a filthy mess and I'd rather not touch anything. If I could float in, that'd be ideal. But if I could float, I'd just float up in a tall tree somewhere, go to the bathroom in midair and let it float away... The ideal world ...

But since I can't float, I walk in. The first thing I notice is if the door is one you push or pull. Because somehow I'm going to have to get out of there without touching it with my hand. If there's paper towels, it's more manageable. But if there's just a blower, it's a lot trickier.

Then I check for privacy. There's nothing more detestable than to have someone else in the bathroom with you. It inhibits me so much I may as well float right back out because nothing is going to happen. It's inconceivable to me that people have sex together in public bathrooms. I'm about to puke right now just thinking of it. I hate touching even the faucet, so believe me, I'm not touching anyone else.

If there's anyone in the world queasier about public restrooms than I, I would definitely like to meet that person. Because I frankly don't think it's possible. You would definitely need to pass a lie detector test before I'd believe you. And I would need to look deeply into your eyes -- deeply -- because I know you have to be lying.

These days, now, we have all these crazy people running around the country worrying about "socialism." They're nitwits, pure and simple, of course, in their politics, as stupid as can be. But I will agree with them, there's one "public option" that isn't that great. The public toilet. It's socialism!

We need "pot packs," like a backpack that folds out into a toilet. With some of those camping chemicals, that you pour in and it vaporizes everything it touches. Or some kind of crap-eating grass carp swimming in there. But since grass carp grow about five foot long, that's impractical. How about the crappie? It's a fish with a name for it. And "carp" is pretty close. More ideal world talk.

Getting back to the socialism issue. Unless we really, really need to go, we don't want the government furnishing public restrooms to every person who comes along. You never know, maybe an illegal immigrant will decide to go in and ... do his thing. That's our taxpayer dollars subsidizing illegal immigrants! If they're here illegally, let them hold it until they get back to their own country!

I heard a guy saying he read the Constitution and he couldn't find anything in it about the government being involved in health care. That's a great point! So I got out my Constitution, too, and I read the whole thing, including most of the amendments. And you'll be amazed at what I found ... or didn't find. There's not one word in the U.S. Constitution about public restrooms! Clearly, they're unconstitutional!

(There's one other thing about what the Constitution doesn't say, and being an honest person, I need to mention it. You've probably heard me tell about my two uncles I'm so proud of who served in the Air Force. Well, I might have to rethink that. Because I didn't see anything in the Constitution about the Air Force either. So, I hate to say this, but I think my two uncles may have been doing things against the law.)

From now on, friends, if you're a patriot ... if you love your country ... please join me in boycotting public restrooms. Public restrooms are just the government's way of softening us up, taking away our Americanism, and leading us toward socialism! What's next? They'll get us using public restrooms. Before long, even the roads will be public... Let's hope that day never comes.

So, if you want to use a public restroom, go to Russia, where you belong!