Take the Thanksgiving Pledge: I Shall Shop!

I'm up in arms this year, as I understand there are various ones agitating for businesses to be closed on Thanksgiving. Of course this is just more of the same, the undercutting that we've unfortunately come to expect of our valued American traditions. Apparently their philosophy goes something along these lines, Anything old and established needs to give way to something new, something modern. And so it is, they want something different simply for the sake of being different.

Like I said, I'm up in arms about it and I'm not going to take it lying down. I'm fighting back. By making a pledge, along with a warning to businesses, that I will be shopping on Thanksgiving, as always. With the warning that if any store is not open on Thanksgiving, I will never return there. And that's a biggie, because I'm totally hooked on shopping, and it might be tough for me to keep that particular codicil. Still, surely there will be thousands joining me whose discipline in that regard might be stronger. Plus, just issuing the warning, stated as strongly as it is, will give businesses pause about daring to close on Thanksgiving.

I don't know exactly where all this trouble started, but if I had the resources it'd be interesting to trace it and find out precisely who is to blame. It could be the employees of the big stores and shopping centers who are merely lazy and looking for a way to take the day off. Laziness is epidemic, as we all know. I know some kids, for example, who don't have a single muscle on their skinny little bodies. All they do is vegetate on couches, sometimes mustering up the strength to play video games for a few minutes before collapsing. You figure they have parents, and that some of those parents work at these stores. They're jealous of their kid's lethargy and dissipation, so they want a day off.

What I actually think, those I believe are probably responsible, are all the bleeding hearts on Facebook. You see their posts all the time. They're sentimental about every puppy, every kitten, every dying horse, every selfie their idiot kid comes up with, every Bible verse, every "witty" saying, along with cartoons of little old ladies saying ironic things that undercut their dignity, etc. Of course they've gone soft. Then there's grandchildren, and we all do love our families. But instead of taking the day off, that's a huge reason why I'm calling us back to our senses. Don't do away with Thanksgiving shopping! Your kids are depending on you!

I used to listen to my grandparents as they reminisced about the old days. Which would've been the 1920s and '30s. They got married in 1920. It's kind of funny, but the little old town Grandpa came from had only one general store. If they didn't have it at the general store they didn't need it! Anyway, that little store was run by some funny little man who spent a whole hour just lighting the stove. The rest of the time he was waiting on customers. As long as there was a dime to be made, he was there. And it's a good thing he stayed open on Thanksgiving, because that was the big shopping day back then. It took them a week to get there, and he'd better be open! And kids had muscles, too, not like today...

I venture to guess that today's kids have never heard a story like that. Everything today's so confused they don't know what to believe. So someone like me, who does know the traditions, and does value our past, has to spell it out, as I'm doing here. Whether they read my blog -- or even know how to read -- these are things I don't know. It could be I'm merely pissing into the wind with my words, but piss I will! As long as I have breath...

I hope everyone has Happy Holidays this year, and that you get your holiday shopping done, as it should be done, right away, bright and early Thanksgiving Day. Let me wish you all the best for a splendid and blessed Thanksgiving, as you accomplish your shopping, then gather to do ... whatever ... fatten up the little skeletons on your couch playing games ... introduce them to a turkey leg, and bring them back from vegetarianism and let them eat like healthy people. Meat, potatoes, and meat.

Happy Thanksgiving shopping!

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Lest any of this seems obscure, like you're reading this in the year 2034, when common sense has returned to mankind, the above graphic comments on the following graphic that's made its viral way around Facebook:

Go Away, Dad, It's Still May

It seems like every year it gets worse, the encroachment of one holiday on another, and opening up the shopping season way too soon. You hear people crying out about it, complaining, and even picketing stores -- Who can forget the great anti-Christmas sit-in of July '74? But they still do it, the moneygrubbing stores, worshiping the Almighty Buck! If they had their way we'd have the tree up in April and Easter in October.

Of course I see it personally every year. I've gotten used to the cycle, and, being as easy-going as I am, for the most part I just shut it out. I expect to see Valentine's merchandise the day after Christmas, and that's that. And the fact that 99% of retail workers have to work Thanksgiving to get ready for Black Friday, I'm OK with that, just as long as they keep their end of the bargain, the promise to keep Thanksgiving some time in the last six months of the year.

But give 'em an inch and they'll take ... Mother's Day!?

Am I seriously supposed to believe what my fool eyes and my other fool senses are trying to tell me?! There better be some mistake here! Even Mother's Day is up for grabs!? Excuse me, this is too much -- cough cough, let me catch my breath... Good Christ in Heaven, is nothing sacred anymore? I saw it the last couple years but didn't say anything, because I was hoping my mom wouldn't notice, and I wouldn't have to explain it to her. But now that she's passed on, I'm taking the gloves off. As for her, I'm glad she didn't hear. I can only picture her rolling in her grave, had we not opted for cremation.

But it's true! There's no mistaking it. It's still May, and has been for some time, close to a month, and I saw it right away, Father's Day gifts out and for sale so early. Of course I don't personally have a dog in this fight, since my dad's also passed away, traditional burial. But I don't think it's a very nice thing to give Mom (the memory of mine and everyone else's still-living Moms) the short shrift. Screwing her once again, this time out of her day-month of recognition.

No doubt there's some lousy dads out there -- deadbeats -- who are OK with this. You have to guess that some of the moneygrubbing guys in retail are dads. Either out to line their pockets, or, to put an even worse spin on it, to totally diss their wives and girlfriends by whom they've had children. Dads, does that show real care for your wife and the various mothers of your children, that you can't even make their day-month special? You have to take it for yourself? I remember when men were men...

The gifts on display are plentiful, too, no shortage. We're not talking about what they do for St. Patrick's Day, which is to have a 10 x 10 foot area of green hats and necklaces in the middle of January. Far from it! There's entire sections of the store, large areas, devoted to things Dad would like: Slacks, shirts, ties, sporting goods, fishing supplies, hardware... Go right on down the line. Anything and everything Dad might like, they've got it, nothing missing, no holding back. Just blatantly ... right there ... in your face, bold as life.

It takes away the specialness of Mother's Day and Father's Day. You know what I think a good dad would want, the all-American red, white, and blue dad? For the store to clear away all those things that appeal to men. Just get rid of them, put them in storage the last week of April. Then keep May, the whole month, centered exclusively on Mothers. And then all the workers work overtime the last day of May, starting around 10 p.m., bringing Dad's stuff back on the floor. So that Dad gets June, the way he's supposed to.

Seedy Bars, Tattoo Shops, and Carpet Stores

When they put in the shopping center, downtown suffered. Businessmen lost so much money they either had to pull out completely or build near the shopping center. All the choice spots were taken inside before they got there. But that left the buildings downtown as ripe pickings for what we might call Grade B or C businesses, even D or F.

These inferior businesses are the bane of civilization everywhere. Bail bondsmen, tattoo shops, skidrow bars, and carpet stores. There actually was a street just off the square that we called skidrow even before the shopping center came in. I knew better than to ever go there. It wasn't like the skidrow the traveling preachers talked about in the big cities but it was definitely a wanna-be. Guys standing on one leg, their other foot against the building, smoking a cigarette. Nothing you want to see.

Sure enough, the seedy bars were down that street, luring in the hopeless riff raff that every town is known for, or at least has a few of. Some crooked lawyer's going to be in the vicinity, probably running a legal scam on behalf of the troubled. A tattoo shop carves out a filthy living when their clientele gets roaring drunk. And there's a carpet store, always right there, foolishly thinking you're going to buy carpet.

But it happened just like I said it did: The shopping center was built, the exodus of remaining businesses of diminishing hopes followed, then the downtown area became known for this seedier stuff.

When I see a carpet store to this day it makes me feel sick. Have I ever been in one? Yes, actually, I have. So I know exactly what they're like. I'm in a position to judge.

There's several things you can say about a carpet store. It's as fly by night as any business can be. One day there's nothing, the next there's a carpet store. They didn't come from anywhere, they're not there for any obvious purpose. They sprout up like a poisonous mushroom. All they have is big pieces of carpet, so they can move in on a moment's notice. Usually what you have is this: Another carpet store in another town hears of a vacant building, they split their inventory, and they move in in the middle of the night.

I knew a guy named Sam who worked at a carpet store. He and I worked at the same place next door. Everything was going great, until one day we got up (this is true) and suddenly there was a carpet store next door. No one saw them move in, no one heard of it in advance. The place was vacant, as the pattern always seems to go, then BOOM, there's a full fledged carpet store. We didn't know the guy who ran it, but he looked seedy.

Next thing I knew Sam was working there, like within two weeks of the guy's opening it. I still saw him on breaks and at lunch, that sort of thing, and he acted happy. But I never really believed it. After all, what could be more boring, even more discouraging than looking at big rolls of carpet all day? In fact, I saw the whole thing, for this was the time I was in a carpet store. Sam thought it'd be a good idea if I came to work there too. But my path wasn't meant to go downhill.

Looking back at it now, of course it worked out exactly as I predicted. The business we both worked for is still there -- almost 40 years later -- but the carpet store is long gone. Long gone. I don't know what happened, but I suppose people got wise to the whole thing. Either that or they split off once too often with vacant buildings in other towns. Whatever happened, I haven't heard from Sam since, and that's the real story.

Mode-A-Day Mowed Away

They tore down the shopping center. It's a lamentable thing to drive by the place that was the center of so much of our activities as a family.

But the days of shopping centers and malls, it appears, are over. Now everything's online -- no more bricks and mortar -- they're tearing it all down. Maybe the bad economy has something to do with it too. Construction has come to a halt. 1) Because there's nothing to build; 2) Even if they wanted to there's no money; 3) Customers are busy shopping online.

That's not the way it was 50 years ago, which is about the time, I think, when they built the shopping center. Back then we didn't buy everything online. A good brick and mortar store was what we preferred. People who worked there greeted us. We walked in, looked over their wares, maybe ate a pickle if it was a place that sold them, and bought what we wanted.

The shopping center was like a godsend. Finally we could go to one place and stay inside. No more traipsing around downtown into a warm store, then out into the cold weather. It was about 10 years later the stores started closing downtown. But we had the shopping center. Then they got rid of the parking meters downtown and we were torn about where to shop. But since the stores were closed anyway there wasn't any point to the free parking.

I personally preferred the shopping center. Grandma liked it. It sounds weird to say it these days -- when bricks and mortar stores have entirely gone out of favor, and online shopping is all the rage -- but we were even proud of the shopping center. I was. We had cousins come to town from Denver and we took them there and hung out. It was a cool place. A bowling alley that smelled like stale beer. A nice dime store. A restaurant that had you actually phone your order back to the kitchen. And the Mode-A-Day store, a place for women that Grandma got some nice dresses at. She never liked sack dresses, I might add.

I don't know precisely what happened to devastate the shopping center. Of course, I suppose online shopping had something to do with it. Plus the fact that bricks and mortar stores are generally out of favor. I'm thinking it just got old. We weren't overly proud of it, say, after 40 years had passed. By then we took it for granted, thinking it was just always going to be there.

Then, slowly but surely, shops started closing. Pretty soon the customers were home with their computers. Fewer crowds meant more stores closing. That meant less revenues and more dilapidation. A local gang painted some graffiti on the wall. And that did it. The place closed up. The bulldozers came in.

The Local Man Shops Locally

When I, the local man, go shopping, I have certain civic scruples about it. One of these is that I like to shop locally, thereby keeping my money in the local community, where I live. To me this means being of support to my community, to help it stay strong in commerce by patronizing the businesses that are an important part of it.

I know I could save money by going to the larger city nearby. And I certainly know there are people in my town who don't believe the way I do -- or, to rephrase that, they don't practice it, probably because it's more important for them to save money. Or perhaps, and I've heard this, they believe the larger selection in the big city justifies shopping there, and more variety in stores. All those things are doubtless true, but for me it's looking for immediate gratification rather than thinking of the longer term implications. What if Mort's Five and Dime goes out of business? What will you do then in a pinch? The larger city is still a ways off.

This really comes up as an issue for me at Christmas. I have a few gifts to buy, Grandma, cousins, a couple others. It's sad to see the local businesses barely scraping by. I go in there and I notice they haven't had to hire extra help for the holidays. The local merchant is hanging on by his fingernails. It's all he can do to keep the lights on till a customer finally shows up. Then if the customer just browses, window shops, or is checking prices on his way out of town, that's a killer. There's some sad townspeople turning out their lights at 9:00 and walking home dejected.

There are plenty of businesses that aren't local in the strictest sense of the word. But they have local people working for them. Wal-Mart, Pizza Hut, KFC, etc. I don't know what happens to their money, exactly. They probably ship it out of town for the most part. But the people working there get their pay, and that money is good for the town.

One thing that would be a killer for me would be to have those very people taking their money and shopping at the big city. I know I would feel very sad to see that. I'm sure I would lose my composure if it were proven and not just an accusation.

Dripping Femininity

I've needed to buy some cards lately. Sending cards, giving cards is not something I do by nature. It's only when there's a certain amount of force involved, social expectations that cannot be thwarted without losing massive amounts of face, that I think, 'Better get a card.' Graduation is a huge example.

Anniversaries are like that, too. I used to make my own. Mr. Creative, all that. Or Mr. Cheap. But now I grin and bear it, if I'm somewhere that has cards, just get one. They're very expensive, too, for some little piece of tripe, usually. My last anniversary card actually had a very good saying on it, that wasn't too over-the-top, and wasn't "funny" in that kind of unfunny way they tend to be.

So I've been to the local Hallmark store a couple times in the last few weeks. This is a place that is also a gift shop with all the kind of stuff you might expect in there. I should've made a list. It would be quite a list of stuff, most of it very grating on my optical nerves, and certainly most of it far from tempting. And I have the consumerism bug like everyone, worse.

You wouldn't call it a feminist place, probably, if you use words the way I do, how I've heard them used over the years. But of course it's all very feminine. Dripping with femininity. They need a scanner right there about waist-high at the door, scanning for testicles, and if it goes off a big wall of bars comes down. Except, I guess, they're not wanting it to be a ladies' club, because they want guys to come in and get something for their wives and grandmothers. No guys are working there.

I could take Grandma Slump in there. But she's kind of an old fashioned gal. I don't know that she wants to collect some of the knick knacks they have, little lighted up village buildings, every kind of trite religious keepsake you can think of, sayings about grandchildren being the light of your life, etc., ad blasé infinitum. All very adorable and precious. Grandma Slump cans, peels potatoes, washes out tubs, baits hooks, picks dandelion greens, and digs outhouse holes. And that's just for fun.

Anyway, to sum up, the Hallmark store is like diabetes in the eyes, when you look at that stuff. Very, very tough to endure.