True-False: Teeth Grow In Mouths

 Chapter 11 of 25 -- Head Hunters of the Amazon

Iquitos

Iquitos was a town that sprang up a la western boom towns and flourished as long as commercial possibilities lasted. Up de Graff says when he was there the population was about 3,000. Later it grew to around 20,000. But by the time of writing his book, copyright 1925, Iquitos was again the home of only a handful of natives. A little sociology there, of which I'm neither qualified nor intellectually grounded enough to fully explain. And I've explained some arcane things, like the fauna of various backwater creeks I fell in as a kid, that I wisely summed up as "weeds."

He and Jack Rouse paddled into Iquitos on December 28, 1898. That detail will be on the test, people, Know It! They were "be-whiskered tramps" walking down the street, except they had a lot of rubber for sale and so they weren't hard up. Remember I said something about them picking up rubber here and there? I thought it was basically enough rubber to fill a suitcase, but according to page 28 it was two tons of rubber! With that kind of money they could get cleaned up and find accommodations at a hotel, the Hotel Roma. A room with actual beds! It wasn't a bank of sand, mud, and trees, but it was still nice.

They soon moved from there, only eating at the hotel, and went to "bunk" with a Dr. King, an American. He was an enthusiastic individual and must've been a colorful guy, because Up de Graff's take on him was: "The doctor made Vesuvius look like an iceberg." That's going to be a guy you can glean some interesting information from! Dr. King had tried various money-making enterprises in Iquitos, such as selling patent-medicine. Then he discovered that dental work was more in demand. So he made his own diplomas and certificates and started pulling teeth!

Sometimes Up de Graff puts "Doctor" in quotes, sometimes not. There was one patient who'd been on the point of death for days. He was worn out by fever and the attentions of "Doctors," including Dr. King, and died. His death certificate was a work in creativity, the cause of death being "a congestion of the elementary canal between the gall-bladder and the lungs, causing the cold bile to rise and cake round the heart." A tragic situation, yes, but you gotta admit, no more tooth ache!

Jack and Up de Graff at this point were waiting to book passage back to New York. When they met another American there to explore (Edward Morse), then another guy (Charles Pope), known to the natives as "Ambusha" because he ground his teeth when he slept; "Ambusha" refers to a bird that sings at night. As time went on, Up de Graff and Jack changed their minds about leaving, and now the mission was on to find Inca gold! By the way, Ambusha barely made the expedition, being notoriously known for having an oily manner, shiftiness, obviously a liar, and a student of anarchism and toxicology.

Test: When did Up de Graff and Jack paddle into Iquitos?

You Have to Climb Physical Mountain

An old friend was just telling me about her physical and dental appointments today. She was looking around like a spy. I got the feeling she wanted some help. Which short term may seem like a good idea, but long term it's not. I suspect she's had help before with urine and blood samples and weighing in. Which, with video surveillance and medical snooping, is getting harder to pull off.

She was hinting around and I'll be honest, we got into it. I told her in no uncertain terms that it wouldn't help her at all, ultimately. Yes, if your main goal is to impress the doctor and dentist, it probably could be done. But it's much more important to know what your actual health outlook is.

So we got into it, all because today's her day when she has to climb two important mountains, Physical and Dental Mountains. It doesn't usually happen that you get both mountains in one day, but this time she did. The physical was scheduled some time back, then the dental, and they turned out to be the same day! Coincidence, so live with it...

Anyway, I think I convinced her. I brought my famous wisdom forth, in this case bolstered by references to two songs, "Lonesome Valley," which we sing in church in Lent, and "Wolverton Mountain," good at any time in the lectionary. In "Lonesome Valley," he has to walk that lonesome valley, he has to walk it by himself, O, nobody else can walk it for him, he has to walk it by himself. In "Wolverton Mountain," you don't want to go up it, because Clifton Clowers might kill you, but still you want the girl whose lips are sweeter than honey.

It's the same thing with getting your physical and taking care of your teeth. O, nobody else can do it for you. It's your physical body they're checking, and your teeth. And if you don't want terrible body catarrh and you want your lips to be sweeter than honey, you have to walk, climb, and sit there in the chair yourself. I've done it myself, I know it can be very easily done.

Hence the song: "You have to climb up Physical Mountain, you have to climb it by yourself, O, nobody else can climb it for you, You have to climb it by yourself." And something similar with Dental Mountain.

Let's say you had someone help you with your urine sample, your blood sample, and your weight. You're going to get nonsense results. The doctor would look at the results and say they don't match up with anything he's seen before. And you'd have to admit in shame, "Someone helped me climb Physical Mountain." This is unheard of. "You have to climb it by yourself."

Obviously you could do it a little on the sly, like with urine, till you're caught. It'd be easy to sneak in. But Dental Mountain is entirely different. The dentist knows if it's you in the chair. It's a mountain you definitely have to climb yourself. The teeth have to be the same ones you're always had. How about this? You're killed, they check your dental records, and find you've had 10 different mouths? That'd be a murder trial for the ages!

Of course there are mountains you get help climbing. Say you have car trouble. Anybody can help you climb Car Trouble Mountain. In fact, it's generally worse to try to climb it by yourself. I saw someone trying to climb it by themselves just the other day, which I've also tried before. Their car wasn't starting. They looked frustrated. Eventually -- as has been my constant experience - someone else would have to climb it for them.

Death Goes To The Dentist With Me

I was wrought up with anxiety today, like I am every time I go to the dentist. So I wasn't exactly happy when my newest friend, Death, showed up at the door. I tried to be nice about it, looking at my watch and saying I was in a hurry. Which had exactly the opposite result I wanted; he invited himself along.

He's been dropping by ever since I let him guest-blog for me one day. Then later we went out drinking, which, with three deaths, is still being investigated. It might get suspicious after a while. Even the police might be able to connect the dots. I'm starting to realize I need to hang out with a better breed of company, but I'm also realizing he's a tough old bastard to shake.

I really noticed that when we got to the dentist. I figured he'd excuse himself and go off on his business. Surely someone's number was up in the area, not to mention the world. But he wasn't in any hurry, and tagged along with me right into the office, a potentially dangerous situation. No one seemed to notice him, and by now all I could see was a very faint black mist.

I muttered under my breath, "Please, no killing, OK? These people work on my teeth, a thankless job all by itself, the last thing they need is to lose their lives over it." I heard a faint chuckle, as if he meant to say, "I'm a big boy, I can take care of myself." To which I also replied with a chuckle, as if I meant to say, "That's what I'm afraid of."

The way it worked out, I really felt like he thought he was protecting me. And a near death experience never hurt anyone, so the damage was definitely limited. In fact, a near death experience can wake you up to appreciate your life more fully. A friend was telling me about a popular book about a preacher's little son who "died" and went to Heaven. But they sent him back, so he could write the book. From which, I understand, he made a lot of money on ... Smart kid, reminds me of myself, except I'm still poor.

To his credit, Death was on his best behavior ... most of the time. He sat in the corner. Occasionally, I noticed the X-ray vest twitching on its hooks. I was hoping they wouldn't do any X-rays, since the radiation might reveal him in the corner. I don't know the science of X-ray machines very well. My suspicion is they're like the old X-ray glasses we used to get, generally a fraud with a feather in the lens. But if so, the dentist is the world's greatest liar. Because I can barely make out the feather pattern when looking at pictures of my teeth, so it's at least a stunning illusion. I was also afraid Death might even be scared of the X-ray and thereby compelled to kill someone.

I saw him start to react whenever I showed discomfort. The light was bright in my eyes, so the dentist gave me sunglasses. I had to have several casts made of my teeth, which made me gag. You start imagining the sticky thick gunk going down your throat, it's a killer. Forget water-boarding, send Al Qaeda to the dentist! Then there were those inevitable times I needed to scratch my nose, but didn't want to interrupt the doctor. I had to be very careful not to cry out. The last thing I wanted was a dead dentist when he still had work to do. Death can be just that quick.

The good news is no one died ... at the dentist office. The near death experience I mentioned came when I was checking out. First, the checkout lady needed to finish a call with someone else; I guess I showed the tiniest bit of edginess, nothing big. Then when she told me how much I owed, a little over $400, I felt myself wince. And that's all it took. The poor lady clutched her throat, her face went red and from dry to sopping in a flash, then she fell off the chair. I cried out, "No!," at which point Death released his grip. Everyone came running from the back, saw what was going on, and called an ambulance. Which of course by now she didn't really need, but what could I say?

That was the good news. The bad news came moments later, as the ambulance came racing around the corner and ran over some poor old guy. I guess Death had his work to do. But the idea that it was rooted in my visit to the dentist bothered me. It really bothered me, that and the fact that I was very hungry. I hadn't eaten before my appointment.