When Disaster Strikes

Virus

Part 2 of 30

I’ve gotten a lot of nice messages from you, the readers, and I thank you: “Stay healthy, Mr. Slump,” “Hope Grandma’s OK during this challenging time,” and the number one comment, some variation on “If there’s a scam for making money on this thing, cut me in,” that sort of thing. First, I’m not a Slump, that’s my mother’s side of the family. Second, Grandma died years ago of unrelated causes. And, third, any “scam” you may be thinking of, I’d never be part of any such thing. I learned my lesson during the chlamydia scare in the '80s and I swear I’ll never sell another brass wristband. They send you away for stuff like that.

Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not “dissing” any of you or “pissing” on your hopes for a quick profit. So don’t be so sensitive. But if there's any value in diseases and viruses it's to bring out our compassion for one another in suffering and pray to the saints that we don’t catch it. There indeed is a certain built-in economic thing, but it’s not for questionable sideline businesses to spring up to take advantage of it, only necessary things pharmaceuticals to make good medicine, etc. You could be helpful, though, if you see any of the big pharmaceuticals selling brass wristbands, let me know. But I seriously doubt that'll happen.

Instead of hoping to profit, I hope all of us will have the kind of feelings that do people good in the days of disasters. That’s what I hope for. I haven’t taken that path yet -- I’ve spent a lot of my time studying up on the issues in order to give you good counsel through these blog posts. Between now and the end of the month, I hope to put enough good information out there that perhaps -- just perhaps -- can help save the world and do a lot of other good, no strings attached. It’d do me a lot of good to hear our brave leaders -- and I accept tweets -- letting me know it was these posts that pulled everyone through.

So that’s what I mean when I say, "When Disaster Strikes -- It’s usually someone else’s problem." That’s true. The average citizen steps back and lets “someone else” take the lead. And we think that’s always effective, useful. But what if “someone else” doesn’t show up. What if “someone else” is busy feathering his own nest? Or what if “someone else” is in over his head without a clue in the world? That’s when we need a different “someone else” to get the job done, and hopefully not be up to his nuts in graft while doing it.

So join me in wishing the world well in these tough times. Of course it’s a disaster, and of course it’s someone else’s problem, but what if I catch it? I’m not Superman, it could happen. Like everyone, I hope not.

If You're Poor, Stay Poor

Part 15 of 30 -- Speaking Ill of The Dead

As I sketch out the sad story of Geoffrey, there's huge storms in the area. Lightning strikes everywhere, big bright bolts zapping the terrain and monster faces at the windows. It's frightening. It seriously might be Judgment Day! With demons unleashed, and I could be in for the shock of my life if I softball this blog post...

Could it be that my insights into the errors of society and the dictates of heaven above -- BOOM! Another Thunder-Boomy! -- are the only thing standing between You, Me, The Fence Post, Society's Judgment, and Breakfast? It definitely looks like it. And it's only 5:30. I just got up to pee, the lightning knocked out the toilet's electricity, so here I sit, stoved-up but typing.

I was actually half-expecting this, if truth be told. And, no, it's not all that idiot Geoffrey's fault, but there was a fault line that ran right through him, because it's when he started misbehaving that I had the distinct fear we were all in for trouble. This is a bad day. If the lightning hits this computer and I erupt in flames, I can't be held responsible for my mood.

But there's something going on, and while you might think it's "good clean fun," think again. Geoffrey's mistakes are a lesson for us all. He couldn't keep his hands on his money, his palatial estate, his clothes, his strictly heterosexual lifestyle, and other identifications. It's true, the message is: All variations, shades and flavors of "fluidity" are out! If you've got it, don't flaunt it! If you want it, stick with what you've got! Keep your seat, keep your place in line. The kind of storms we're getting today is part of it, and it's bad. I just heard on the news that Greenland slipped under the ice last night and is gone! If we're going to survive this, it'll take all of us hewing the straight and narrow, no more "fluidity."

Temptation always starts by looking around. And getting your identity screwed up to the point of not knowing who you really are. Say you're a round peg and you suddenly identify as a square screw, there's only so many times you can be pounded into a rectangular hole before it's screwed beyond repair. Geoffrey had it all ... and it's gone.

Instead of keeping the tried and true -- his destiny -- he allowed himself a sick drive and desire for more, for different. In his confusion, the whole swirl of our present-day mix-master of destinies, drives, and desires, sucked him in. Which probably did feel good in the short-term. But what of the consequences? His personal death! And now Greenland. Which really isn't gone. No, it sunk but it'll bob up somewhere. Let's say it comes up under Asia. The tidal waves will sink us all and Mount Everest will likely take out the moon. Any valuable paintings you have, get them to the attic!

It started just like that. A rich man dabbled in poverty. With identity confusion tossed in. He veered into full-time poor-enacting, got a taste for it and ended up losing everything. Then being actually poor, there was no one to help him and things went downhill, literally ... He rolled downhill in his barrel and crashed against the rocks. What could they do but heap his body on the charnel wagon and boil him down to make candles?

I can actually see why a guy would hate being richer than everyone else. I'm not dirt poor, and even me, my first uncomfortable thought meeting someone who is is, "I hope I can squeeze by this guy without him asking me for something." And if he does I pull the old card, “No speak English," till I’m out of sight, then cuss him a blue streak, the lousy SOB, in perfect English. Geoffrey’s story isn’t based on me, in case you’re wondering. I don’t know how people accumulate.

Part of Geoffrey’s thing was he was an only child. That’s great for keeping the inheritance to yourself, but bad for a kid's identity. But there he was, alone with a bunch of stuffy adults, forbidding him to play with poor honyocks like I could do freely. So right there we have a fluidity issue. People used to have more kids, now they might have one. See what's happening? Get busy, have more kids ... yesterday!

And definitely be happy with what you have, folks. If you've haven't got anything, be happy without it. The rest of us are depending on you to keep your place. Inert is the new uppity, value it.

My Disastrous Mind-Reading Tour

Just last Thursday, I shared the glory of my waving tour. I was super-happy with the great reception I got in the various neighborhoods. As I recall, some of those cul-de-sacs don't see five cars a year -- and those are just criminals scoping it out -- so they're grateful a nice guy like me takes time to come through.

Well, it's Thursday again, and this time, darn it, it didn't go as well. I thought, I need to get out there for another tour, but this time something more in depth than waving; this time would be a mind-reading tour. What are people really thinking? We all want to know that from time to time.

Admittedly, I've always had mixed results with mind-reading, going way back to school. Different ones knew I could read minds, so I had a hard time fitting in. One time I got involved with the wrong crowd, and could only get out of trouble by testifying against the others. Yes, they were pissed. But fortunately I could read their minds about what they wanted to do to me. There were obvious cues, including knives and truncheons. My worst memory is of one big bruiser with a motorcycle chain wrapped around his fist. And such a mean look.

It's a gift I don't say much about, but if my motives are entirely good, you know, I figure, What the hey? I'm going to get out there and duplicate the joy I had with the waving tour, I'll get a good reception and everything will be great.

But what happened? I got nothing but negative vibes from the folks. I started on the west side, the ritzier part of town. A lady came out with her little chihuahua, and she thought I was likely a criminal, probably thinking dirty thoughts about her, and sure to be trouble. I considered getting out and having it out with her, except, of course, any hostility would only reinforce her thoughts. Still, I couldn't quite control myself and flipped her the bird, which she returned, lustily. Her little dog also looked spoiled!

At another house at the end of that block, there was a guy mowing his yard. He saw me and was thinking he should probably double check that he'd locked the door, because, "This guy looks like trouble." I should say mind-reading requires intense concentration and staring at the subject. Mere glances give poor results. The guy ticked me off so much I was thinking maybe I should wait till he got to the other side of the house, then come around and steal his gas can. Except, as above, it would only reinforce his thoughts.

In the mid-region of town -- not too rich, not too poor -- this one guy had all kinds of thoughts. According to him, he'd been suspecting his wife of cheating on him on Thursdays, a day he normally works. But he decided to stay home today and catch a glimpse of the bastard. Obviously, he thought it was me! A guy who respects the sanctity of marriage. I continued however to read his thoughts, as he pictured his wife naked at the door meeting some guy. She didn't look bad! Meaning, just to get back at him, maybe I should come back next Thursday.

On my way to the poor side of town, I passed a couple of cops, whose thoughts of me included some insults about the quality of my car, and whether they should pull me over. They reasoned, We've got a quota and there has to be about a million things we could ticket that slob for. But -- and I know it sounds stereotypical -- the donuts they were working on had about three minutes left of peak freshness, so I escaped the dragnet.

On the poor side of town, I also got some bad thoughts. First it was kids, thinking they'd send their little brother into the road. Then when I stopped for him they'd run over and lie down against my tire, looking like I hit them. They'd work out a deal with me, knowing "an old mark" like me would jump at the chance of paying them off. I flipped them the bird too, and called out, "No pay off today, suckers!"

Just then, Mom comes to the door of the house, two other kids hanging from her breasts, and calls them over. She can see they were thwarted, then turns over the thought in her mind that she knows me and might be able to get me for child support for the youngest pair. I'm thinking, "Honey, I've only been drunk one night in my life, the night you were stripping at The Filthy Bird, and you ain't gonna pin those kids on me! You ain't got a DNA sample and I'm gettin' the hell out of here!"

Crazy people and their crazy thoughts. It goes to show what they say is true: Nice guys finish last.

Why Aren't There More Natural Disasters?

We have a few tornadoes, hurricanes, earthquakes, tsunamis, forest fires, and volcanoes and we think we have it so bad. Or an occasional asteroid comes within 2 million miles of us and we're concerned. How about crying me a river; that'd be a disaster!

I think we have it pretty good. It could be much worse. I watch some of the science shows and they say we're in the "Goldilocks" area of space -- where it's "just right" -- although I saw something by a guy the other day that disputed that. He had stubbed his toe getting out of the bathtub, probably.

The fact is, so far, the Earth's had it cream puff easy. Somehow, even when an asteroid did hit the planet, it made it better, clearing out the dinosaurs so we could evolve in relative peace. As much as I like watching dinosaurs on TV, the idea of one crunching my body the first thing in the morning is unappealing. Look at my scrawny little physique ... How desperate could a dinosaur be?

All we have to do is compare the Earth to other planets to see we have it good. There are storms on Jupiter that last thousands of years. Imagine that. The nightly news, "The storm continues yet another day." There's planets that have no atmosphere but pure methane. We catch one whiff of methane on Earth and we think we have it bad. There's planets where the oceans are 5,000 miles deep. I can't picture that. If the Titanic sank, that's the last we'd see of it. Saturn pulls on its moons so forcefully, they're literally reshaped everyday. Is your yard in a different place everyday?

As far as I'm concerned, all this is good and proper, especially since we can't do anything about it anyway. But were we there, it'd be bad. We can literally thank our lucky stars that Oklahoma only gets wiped out by tornadoes three or four times a year. Because comparatively, that's nothing. The only thing we want to avoid is messing up the balance and making things worse. We can do something about that.

Then there's hurricanes. They come around at a particular time of year, when the air and water temp are just so, along with the spinning of the Earth, and, according to the crazies, whatever God's mad about. It's funny that God's supposed anger happens at a particular season of the year that can be explained by natural forces. But there's no disputing them. According to Pat Robertson and others, God might be mad about a gay pride parade in Louisiana, therefore this perfectly natural force partially destroys a city.

But assuming that's so, what about all the planets -- out of hundreds of billions, there have to be a few -- where it's hurricanes all day everyday? And no one lives there, except maybe one lone weatherman crying in the tumult. The truth is: Since there's only 26 hurricanes possible on Earth a year, so we don't run out of alphabet to name them, God can't be that mad. The whole theory is crap.

The same thing goes for plagues, diseases, infections, and sitcoms. At times, we're besieged by them, but in the whole context of things, it's nothing. We enjoy a certain balance of what seems good and what seems bad. I personally hate mosquitoes, but in the whole scheme of things, they're food for something else. So who am I to complain? I'm outside five minutes a day, try to bite me ... If you must.

Curious About The Titanic?

The 100th year anniversary of the Titanic sinking is at hand. 100 years ... a century ... 10 decades ... quite a while in human terms, even if in cosmic time it's a mere blip. We are totally amazed. It happened in 1912, and now it's 2012. So in terms of time, it's monstrous. Because 100 years, wow!

But seriously, let's think about it another way. The passage of time has taken away some of the rawness of the event. Really, there's barely anyone left who has a personal and immediate sense of grief over it, probably none. So we can't pretend like we're broken up about it. And yet, we can imagine, were it our loved ones, assuming we wouldn't ourselves have been aboard the ill-fated ship had we been alive in 1912, that the grief would have been horrendous. But as it is, had they not died on the Titanic, they would have been dead by now from something else.

I have an old, old story, but it's true. When I was a young man, and this was in 1964, so I was 11, there happened to be an old woman visiting our town who was a survivor of the Titanic. We all went to see her, me and the rest of the town. I stood in line around an hour, then it was my turn. But wouldn't you know it, she didn't speak English. So I had to talk to a translator who conveyed my message to her. Remember, I'm just 11, so I hadn't yet reached my present level of maturity; that would come two years later. I said, all quite innocently, "Tell her I have heard of the Titanic." The old lady, bless her soul, nodded and chuckled, then reached over and patted my head. I haven't washed my hair since!

Well, let's get to what you came for, a few questions you've sent in that I've researched and answered.

What did the Titanic hit? -- Good question, because it could've been anything. It was in fact an iceberg. It was with the Titanic's accident that everyone suddenly realized an iceberg was a dangerous thing, especially if run into. Because it's not just a soft snowball, it's a chunk of ice packed extremely tight, with most of it lurking under water. If you're ever the captain of a boat or anything, avoid icebergs.

Did the Titanic go down immediately? -- No, it was able to stay afloat till it sank, long enough to get off most of the passengers, although there weren't lifeboats for everyone. For those who didn't get a lifeboat, of course it was big trouble. But the good news is those who didn't die survived.

Was Leonardo DiCaprio really on the Titanic? -- No, he was in a popular movie about the famed maritime disaster [copied from Wikipedia.] The "Titanic" he was on was a smaller version of the ship made for the movie. Although it "sank" during the filming of the movie, ironically it would have been small enough to avoid the iceberg.

Are there any philosophical lessons to be learned from the Titanic? -- You mean like "Watch where you're going in life"? That's a philosophical lesson we already know. So if we take away something like that from the Titanic disaster, it's not really the Titanic teaching us, but our mere calling to mind prior knowledge. I seem to remember something like that when I learned about Plato, things we already know. To actually learn a lesson from the Titanic, it'd have to be something you weren't previously aware of. I can think of one very practical lesson: That every ship ought to be pulling a spare ship, just in case.

Well, we've now marked the 100th anniversary, with solemnity and dignity. And if you didn't see your question answered, these are the only ones we had space for. We'll hang on to them and hopefully get to them on the 200th anniversary. So keep checking, particularly as the 200th anniversary (2112) gets closer.