Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Merry Christmas To Random Names

I'm looking around for new ways to bless the lives of folks, since that's what I like to do at Christmas.

You've probably heard of me, even though I've never revealed, until now, what I'm known for. You remember hearing those stories every year about the anonymous guy who puts very valuable gold coins in the Salvation Army bucket? That's me. And I'll still be doing that, like always because I still get a thrill out of seeing the articles about me.

If they really wanted to catch me, they could. Surveillance video, DNA on the coins. But thankfully, so far no one has! 

But now I'm looking for other additional ways -- perhaps ways that aren't so expensive -- to be a blessing. Regular money's of course cheaper than gold. I could just drive along and throw money out the window. But if I did that, there'd be a crowd, the crowd would go ballistic, people would be shoving each other out of the way to get it, someone would be pushed in front of a car and killed. And, anyway, I've never liked the whole thing of handing out money to random people. It's appealing to something base in them. There's also articles about the guy who does that -- I know him -- and mostly he's just looking for someone to get hurt.

You have to be real careful about anything you do. Plus, if you want it to be an actual blessing, you have to look at it in context. By that I mean, if it's not money or it's not gold, it's anticlimactic, and no one really cares. Like if you hand out calendars ... everyone knows calendars are freebies everywhere, banks, barber shops, nursing homes. There's no glamor to them. So if I start handing out something less desirable than money, no one's going to appreciate it.

I've thought about it, and I'm thinking, what if I just wished Merry Christmas to random names. Meaning, names that are legitimate-sounding enough to actually be someone out there, but not names that are celebrity names. I do wish a Merry Christmas to Lady Gaga, whose actual name is (I'll look it up to get it right, even though I basically know it's something like Stephanie Germaniotta) Stefani Germanotta ... wow, I was darned close!

If I were to wish a Merry Christmas to celebrities ... you know what, I probably wouldn't get very far. I'm an old codger and I don't know the current breed of celebrities. There'd be Alex Trebek; I see him almost everyday. I think it's amazing how well Alex does at small talk on the show. He's never stumbling and bumbling, never tripping over his words, never saying anything inappropriate. Myself, I would look at some of the mousy people on there, and introduce them as today's sacrificial lamb, since you know they're not going to win. A couple days ago they had a guy on there who looked like the stereotypical lush at a wild party; if they'd put him in a bathrobe, you'd know him anywhere. I said he'd never make it, but he gave the champ a good run for the money and almost won.

To wish Merry Christmas to celebrities, I'm the age that I'd wish Paul and Ringo Merry Christmas ... they're favorites. I don't know of many other celebrities I really like that much, but there has to be some. I love Drew Carey ... Drew Carey has to be the nicest guy on TV. So a big Merry Christmas to him.

Now, getting to the random non-celebrity names, and I need to say I'm not good at making up names:

Merry Christmas to Nancy Grundy, Roscoe Jones, Ted Rath, Cyrus Paulson, Dan Griffin (there has to be a million of them), Adam Wagner, Priscilla Lopez, Wilma Theramin, Missy Critchett, Duff Dorfman, Walt Plantain, Quincy Cobb, and Linda Zuckerman.

I don't know anyone personally by any of those names. But Merry Christmas to each one and also to you. It's coming up. I hope you've been good, so Santa won't overlook you!

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