Sunday, October 6, 2019

Look On The Bright Side

Part 6 of 30
My Fragile Self-Esteem

It’s been a great day. I checked my pulse, it’s still there. Looked around, the eyes are still working. Thought a few things, brain’s sputtering like normal. Went to the bathroom, the usual weak stream. But I have an excuse. I keep seeing spiders in my bathroom but I’m very reluctant to mess with them. To a certain extent I leave them alone, figuring they’re doing some ecological good even if it isn't obvious. But they do freak out my once strong stream. And I’ve checked other vital signs, vitality’s in place.

Plus, every day is potentially great and usually is in fact. Even if you’ve got the huge thumb of life and existence on you, as long as it’s not squishing you to death, you can convinced yourself it’s a great day. Also, of course, I’ve had the dog out a few times today. She’s having a great day. But it suddenly hits her that she has to go, so she comes and makes noises to me indicating that fact. “OK, I’m just finishing up this blog, give me exactly 28 seconds and we’ll go out.” I’m happy she understands that, because she certainly appears to.

The only thing not so great -- and I’m very tired of it -- is my fragile self-esteem. If I had three wishes all three wishes would be to shake this feeling of dread, queasiness, and this great sense of heaviness in that one very vulnerable aspect of life. My usual confidence is dangling by a string, the ship of state has run aground, and my well being is well in abeyance.

A huge thumb could be holding a guy down, though, for multiple reasons, some bad to the person but some good. For the bad, that side of the equation my biggest suspicion is some aspect of existence has me right where it wants me, nefariously. All avenues of escape are blocked. They’re monitoring the situation in this scheme of things to stifle and stymie, and basically put the old kibosh on my options. Say I want the option of high self-esteem, [buzzer] Sorry, your request is denied, please try again. But there could be a good side to it as well. Sometimes in health you lose an ability temporarily, like a broken leg, and an attempt to walk on it might be actual walking but it can’t be sustained. So being sidelined is positive.

But I still feel like I could easily overcome fragile self-esteem. Me. Usually bubbly, effervescent as an antacid. I've never heard an antacid take no for an answer. You drop it in the water and it fizzes everytime, promising, “These bubbles of deliverance are your savior. This is my word, my bond, my promised relief is already in sight!”

Thank goodness... Anytime now...

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