Thursday, May 5, 2011

The Boy Who Cried Sex

Little Johnny was the paperboy in a small town. Everyone knew they could look to him for the news, whether it was on the front page or just something he picked up wandering around town. He was on the front lines of whatever was happening since he knew all the back alleys and dark hallways.

He was getting about that age when he was becoming curious, but maybe he wasn't familiar enough with all the various positions and moves. Since he was just a kid, probably the less we say about his prowess, owing to modern sensibilities, the better. Although prowess would be the wrong word, since he was still just scratching the surface of what was true and what was just what other kids said.

When you're that age, thinking about sex, you really don't know what to think.

Anyway, being a newsboy, and always crying out the headlines, such as "Shark Eats Local Dog," and being one who had this budding curiosity and not really knowing what to do with it, he naturally cried out when he thought he saw something going on. Because maybe others would be equally curious, although I'm sure, looking back on it now, that no one would want their personal affairs blared around town by this kid. Still, when you hear it about someone else, it's definitely worth looking for details. The way I remember it, everyone else made everyone else's business their own.

So it happened one bright sunny morning, Johnny was out walking and saw something that got him excited. He went running up the path into the town, crying out, "Sex! Sex!" When the townspeople gathered, he said he saw some old guy playing with someone's tits. They all went running and burst through the barn doors with great anticipation only to see Farmer Miller milking his cow. Of course the townspeople were very disappointed.

A little later, Johnny was walking through town and made his way up an alley. He heard some activity from inside a place and climbed up on a brick to look through the window. What he saw, he couldn't believe, and so he went running out into the street, crying, "Sex! Sex!" He said he saw a woman feeling up some guy. The townspeople about had heart attacks as they ran after the excited youngster. They got to the window and peered in, only to see a nurse at the rest home giving an old resident his morning sponge bath. They weren't impressed.

That same afternoon, Johnny was walking downtown, and happened to be looking in the drugstore window right when the druggist and his female helper each had a big armload of boxes of rubbers, going into the back room. "Good grief!" Johnny thought, "They're going to do it all day long!" So he went running into the street, crying out with all his might, "Sex! Sex!" He explained the scene and the townspeople burst into the drugstore and went to the back room. But instead of having sex, the druggist explained the rubbers had passed their expiration date and he didn't want any ladies from the town accidentally getting knocked up, so they were disposing of them and ordering all new stock. The townspeople shrugged their shoulders and rolled their eyes.

Then toward evening, as I recall it was around 5 o'clock, Johnny was walking down by the railroad track, which had a big park just to the south of it. He was amazed when he saw a whole troupe of gypsies climb out of a boxcar and make their way to the park. He couldn't believe his eyes when they stripped down and were all buck naked and began to play games, starting with Nude Red Rover. Then as some became excited, they peeled off and were over near the south bushes going at it. The remaining group played a game in the nude that needed less people, then some of them started going at it near the west bushes. That left a smaller group to play a game in the nude that only needed seven or eight people, then a few of them were going at it on the east, where there were no bushes. That left three gypsies, who skipped any further games and went straight for the good stuff on the north side. With all their rolling and writhing, eventually they all came together in one big mass in the middle, several on top of the others then turning over, a lot like you see earthworms do on a rainy night.

The tangle of nude bodies, so many huffing and puffing lovers, then periodic climaxes, then diving back in for seconds and thirds, was almost too much for Johnny, but he tore himself away and forced himself to run as fast and furiously as he could back to town. He was sweating like a cold glass of tea on a hot afternoon. He cried with all his might, "Sex! Sex!" explaining the best he could without any breath the whole situation with the gypsies, all the writhing, and the coming together of naked bodies not only at the four cardinal directions but in the exact center of the lawn.

Of course by now no one believed a word he said. Old Ted Mack held up his hand and spoke for the townspeople, "We've heard enough of your cock and bull stories!" Then a few other voices chimed in, "We've all seen farmers milk cows!" And "We know nurses bathe residents at the old folks' home!" And "Of course druggists have to rotate their stock, no one wants outdated rubbers!" And so they dispersed, going back to their own homes to do who-knows-what -- one can only imagine. Leaving Johnny alone on Main Street.

"So they think I'm a big fat liar, huh?" Well, he did what any curious young man would do, unzipped his pants, pulled out his shirttail, and ran like an elk back to the park. Unfortunately, the gypsy troupe had gotten back on the train and by now were long gone. He surveyed the scene and found some empty rubber boxes they'd left behind. Apparently one of the gypsies had taken them from behind the drug store.

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