Sunday, May 1, 2011

The Most Interesting Man In The World

Help me, I'm bored with the most interesting man in the world. How can that be?

This guy -- this old weather-wizened fart -- is the most interesting man in the world? I don't recognize him as anyone. Is this guy an actual personality, such as the brewer of a beer? Or is he an actor simply for TV commercials? I don't know.

He's recently invaded my consciousness. I'm pretty good at tuning out the extraneous bullshit of popular culture, including commercials. Someone will say to me, "Did you see that?" And I have to say I really didn't because I wasn't paying attention. Then somewhere along the line, my mind was drifting as usual, like an Iowa ditch in winter, and I looked up and suddenly became aware of this guy on TV sitting at a table with a few women.

It's truly original-sin stuff to suddenly become aware of something. Because, like Adam and Steve, you immediately lose your innocence about that area of life. I'm not one of those guys who goes around feigning ignorance of stuff just to seem cool. Like the Royal Wedding. Just because I didn't watch it didn't mean I didn't pick up a few details about it, and I saw the replay of the couple kissing twice. Really hot stuff. So I'm not trying to seem cool by saying I came to this "most interesting man in the world" character apparently long after everyone did. Although I'd actually like to have my innocence back.

Then a few days ago I was out to eat and there he was again, as part of a coaster on the table. That's what my scan is from, since I thought I'd take one as a souvenir. So there he is, apparently meant as an Ernest Hemingway kind of guy. He's been off to the jungle, off to the mountains, has been fishing for marlin somewhere, and fought at the Battle of San Juan Hill, cracking manly stuff. And now, despite his aged appearance, still the young ladies (yeah, right) are attracted to him and his table. Because somehow they're really into "the most interesting man in the world." Fat chance, of course.

I probably should give him more of a chance. He's only got a few seconds to play up his interesting side. The beer company gives him time to say a sentence or two, mostly that we should "stay thirsty." That's it, they do a tight zoom on one of the ladies' cleavage and we fade to black. To me that's the most interesting thing in the world, although of course her cleavage isn't a man's, thank God.

If this guy is an actual person, like an explorer or astronaut, and genuinely is interesting, I apologize for calling him a weather-wizened fart. But if it's just any old anonymous spokesman for beer, foisted on us as the "most interesting man in the world," then that's a terrible scam. Away with the boring varmint! Bring in someone with some real interesting qualities. Like me! 

I'd take a taste of the beer and immediately pronounce it as good as any beer I've had all day.

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