grandmaslump.com

I can't keep anything under wraps for long. The guys at Wikileaks, always revealing my secret plans for the blog, leaked it a few days ago. And now I can announce it officially as true. I have a brand new address: grandmaslump.com.

Yes, I've joined the big boys, with my very own "dot com," hopefully not just in time for the bubble to burst!

I've had my grandmaslump.blogspot.com address for quite a while, so it was a complete shock to me that grandmaslump.com was even still available. But it was!

The honest-to-God truth is maybe it wasn't available, if you know what I mean. But the government has the means to twist a few arms when they want to. So let's say some other guy had grandmaslump.com. They put pressure on him to give it up, which is only right, because it was meant for me.

You're probably wondering why I made the switch after all these years. So here's the real deal. As part of the government's push to make the homeland safe, they've been designating certain internet sites as vital to the national interest. And because I gave a couple hundred bucks in the last election cycle, and with 2012 looming, and them hoping my generosity will continue, I qualified. I am officially "vital to our national interest"!

Seriously, the Department of Homeland Security contacted me one day, offered to pay for the domain name, and after making them pass the sniff test, I accepted. Simple. And they were more than generous. It's not just for one year like I was expecting. It's for life! Isn't that something! I've got the grandmaslump.com domain forever! [I'm fist-pumping the air.]

The ironic part about it is this, that I actually think the Department of Homeland Security is by and large a lot of crap. We had 9/11, the powers that be "didn't see that one coming," so now we need an entire department just to sit around and buy people websites. LOL, it's ridiculous! Hell, one of my neighbors got his driveway graveled for nothing, just because the police occasionally turn around in it to chase a speeder. This guy's driveway is "vital to our national security"! Anything to spend money .... and keep us safe! :)

The way the Department came about, though, if memory serves, is that the Democrats proposed it, of which I am one. The Republicans were against it, then they embraced it and it took on a more Republican slant and was even promoted by them, and dare I say, exploited by them. Remember all the duct tape we bought? Someday archaeologists will be digging through a mound, come to a stash of duct tape, and immediately pin it as "post 9/11."

We had -- oh, what was that clown's name? -- that big doofus from Pennsylvania ... -- I'm drawing a blank -- oh, yeah! Tom Ridge! He was George W. Shithead's man, and he kept us busy, didn't he! The alert is red, orange, blue, chartreuse, the chart is throbbing, the thermometer's exploding at the top! Then, fortunately, the 2004 election was over, Shithead was again ensconced in the White House, and we were safe!

But by now they had all this money. So they threw it at crazy stuff. I literally saw wheelbarrows of cash being pushed down the street, with the wheelbarrows having the Department's logo on the side. They turned in to this big heavy-duty truck shop and came out with a Command Post for the local police, something like $250,000. An armor-plated Winnebago. Meaning the July 4 parade would be safe, since that's what they did with it. Parked it at the main junction, monitored the crowd, and sold cotton candy out the window.

Now, with the next election season upon us, they're cozying up to guys like me, and I can't complain. I'm happy to have my own web domain. Ten bucks a year ain't chickenfeed! And since it's for life, and let's say I live another 25 years, that's roughly ... hundreds of bucks ... Unless, and this is my biggest fear, we get another idiotic Republican president and he cuts the funding, with Obamadomains going down the tubes.

But I'm going to live for today, not for what is to come. And today I have "grandmaslump.com," giving my blog some real credibility. You realize, I hope, that yahoo.com and google.com are dotcoms just like me. Once upon a time, any schmuck could've registered google.com. Think about it. It was just sitting out there! I could've registered google.com once upon a time, then what became Google might have been grandmaslump.com. People would be looking up stuff on the internet, saying, "I grandmaslumped it!"

Today, thanks to the Department of Homeland Security -- and their tireless work protecting the Fatherland and upholding the Motherland -- you can "grandmaslump" it. Just by checking out my blog, not at the old address, although that will still work, but at the newer, better, bigger web address!

Bin Laden Mortis Vs. Obama Vivus

Let's review the facts concerning Rigor Mortis vs Vigor Vivus. There's no contest, with Rigor Mortis begging off, "No mas..." Vigor Vivus stomps around the ring, taunting his unworthy opponent, "Get up! Get up! Get up!" With the crowd in throaty response, "USA! USA! USA!"

We've seen in the breaking news of the last few days this exact match up being played out on the international stage. We've witnessed the turn of historic events, with Osama bin Laden being brought down like the Towers he attacked so long ago. It was justice in its rawest form, the big, bad, mighty terrorist getting a taste of his own medicine -- How About Them Bullets?! To the face, to the chest! Not so powerful now, are ya?! LOL!

It's true, pure and simply true, Osama bin Laden lived for death, meaning he had to taste death in an ignoble way, with our finest Navy SEALS putting the deathly kibosh on him and his best laid plans. Am I sorry to see the son of a bitch go? Don't count on it! LOL. I seriously would've loved to see it myself, say I was hidden safely behind a big pane of bulletproof glass, with a safe egress out the back way, somehow avoiding all danger. I could've been the government's civilian witness, fist-pumping my way out of there on the helicopter, and holding the bloody bullet that went through his left eye which the SEALS plucked from the wall and gave me as a souvenir.

I would present that bullet here as a living witness to the ways of Rigor Mortis, the life of death, lived out in its most miserable display, the life of these scurvy, piss-ant terrorists. If I had a roomful of them, and knew they were guilty of heinous offenses, I'd love to flip the switch on each one. Let them sizzle, let them fry, and say, "You lived the life of Rigor Mortis, rejecting the ways of Vigor Vivus (true life in its most vigorous spirit), and now you must receive your own, the death you have so craved!"

The biggest trouble with bin Laden's death, in my Vigor Vivus opinion, is that it took so long. The day that son of a bitch took credit for 9/11 was the day of his death. Should've been. But we had a bunch of foolhardy Rigor Mortis leaders here in the United States, George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, and the rest of their whole life-denying, anti-Vigor Vivus crew. Even the good guys (Colin Powell) succumbed to the Rigor Mortis way, at least temporarily, when he lied his socks off at the United Nations. So naturally they didn't catch bin Laden.

Remember right at the beginning of the Afghanistan war. We had bin Laden trapped in a Rigor Mortis cave called Tora Bora. And Geraldo Rivera was standing right outside, saying it was a matter of hours before they'd haul him out. Well, hours became years, and George Bush and his Rigor Mortis team squandered the whole thing, screwed up, fucked up, and let us down. The only time they cared JACK about their Rigor Mortis buddy bin Laden was when they could score electoral points by boogy-manning the nation. So we had the Red Alert, Orange Alert, Idiot Alert, whatever it was called, and, in a decidedly Rigor Mortis move, they had us duct-taping ourselves in our homes. I still know Rigor Mortis families who haven't come out of their duct-taped room. They're probably dead by now, in actuality, sadly.

Well, enough about Bush, Cheney, and the rest of the death-cravers. They were worthless for our nation and the world, and probably set us back a century. To think anyone was filled with enough Rigor Mortis to vote for these Anti-Saints of the Walking Dead is beyond me. But of course I'm filled with Vigor Vivus. Death has no grip on me or my spirit. I'm an American in the truest sense of the word, Vigor Vivus all the way!

And that's why I'm so happy that we now have a President with a Spine of Steel, a Brain of Pure Intellect, and a Heart of Gold to lead us. He is a constant inspiration to me, and I believe I can speak for the world, for the world. The man has leadership skills that no Republican has ever known. And don't get me started on Ronald Reagan, the Rigor Mortis party's sainted knight. I was an adult and alive -- and full of Vigor Vivus -- in the days of Ronald Reagan. That man sucked royally as president at the time, and no amount of Rigor Mortis revisionism is going to rehabilitate (or habilitate in the first place) that loser. Never! Whether he was the Antichrist or not, I'm revising my take on that, but if not, they were at least on a first name basis.

Today we are fortunate enough to have a Vigor Vivus president indeed, President Barack H. Obama, who truly does have a Vigor Vivus heart of gold. And that's how he was able to take on Osama bin Laden and bring him to justice, or take justice to him. It was methodical, rigorous, the training was done, the intelligence was real, they had it down in a precise way, with coordinates you could depend on, they anticipated problems and planned for alternatives, they kept it under wraps, and they executed it to perfection. It was brains and brawn from the top right down to the heroes who had boots on the ground, putting a gun in bin Laden's Rigor Mortis face.

That's what happens, my friends, when Vigor Vivus is unleashed in the face of Rigor Mortis. You know Bush couldn't have done it. Too many screw-ups when you don't start with an actual brain. And if you've got Rigor Mortis yourself as your driving instinct, it's tough to kill Rigor Mortis. Did they get Saddam Hussein? Yes, he was in a particular place, with no Army, Navy, Air Force, Pea Shooters, WMD, nothing. Everything evaporated as soon as we went in. It was a matter of looking for the right hole and pulling him out. And I give credit to our heroes on the ground, who did it bravely despite the fact that the Commander-in-Chief at the time was Rigor Mortis incarnate.

We look at Barack Obama and we stand in awe at his Vigor Vivus spirit, his Vigor Vivus drive, and his Vigor Vivus heart. Rigor Mortis can't stand up to Vigor Vivus, and so bin Laden's days were numbered. Obama went into the Situation Room, and sat there pulling the strings, working his magic, and bringing forth the better angels (key to Vigor Vivus outcomes). The USA was back, baby! Vigor Vivus once again had its way and saw its day!

The thought of those bullets going into bin Laden's chest and left eye ... I'd love to slow the film down, like on one of those Science Channel videos, where you can see the water balloon exploding all around its circumference stretched out over eight to 10 seconds. A bullet touches the perimeter, then makes its eight to 10 second journey through the heart of that wet space, emerging out the other side. The balloon goes completely haywire, and the water's beside itself: "Do I fall, do I drain? What?!" To see, especially, the bullet going into bin Laden's left eye like that, in slow motion, with the still-forming look of painful contortion on his face, then emerging out the back and embedding itself in the wall, what a beautiful, wonderful sight that'd be!

And to know that Vigor Vivus has won again! Hallelujah! I would stand behind the bulletproof glass cheering, and that is why the SEAL would take the extra time to pick it out of the plaster and give it to me. Because he would know the man who was on the side of Vigor Vivus all the while, me. Me and Barack Obama.

If Barack Obama isn't reelected in a landslide, we'll know that to a certain extent, Rigor Mortis has still got a grip on our nation. That's what the Rigor Mortis Republicans hope for. But if it turns out as I fully expect, that he gets close to 100% of the vote, we will know that Vigor Vivus is staking out a New Day, giving us the Next American Century, a century in which Vigor Vivus will fully blossom and be shared, not just internationally but around the world.

Forgive Rep. Joe Wilson

The time has come to forgive Rep. Joe Wilson and welcome him back into America's graces. Showing mercy while keeping an eye out is our way.

His breach of decorum was flagrant, a violation of everything we stand for, vile and uncalled for. But Rep. Joe Wilson must not be hardened!

Unless we move immediately to restore Rep. Joe Wilson, while keeping an eye on him in the future, for his good, he may become discouraged.

So I fully support the Congress in addressing this issue, voting for full censure and deciding to monitor Rep. Joe Wilson with a Wilson Cam.

Keep Rep. Joe Wilson on camera for a couple years. Then if there are no outbursts, pull back and put the thing away. It's merciful and good.

If Rep. Joe Wilson is not softened up by the discipline (I think he will be), he'll be softened up by America's mercy and forgiveness.

In a couple years, I can easily envision it, Rep. Joe Wilson will be back in his seat, contributing in a positive way for the common good.

But it starts with knowing he did wrong, being a man and owning up to it, taking his punishment, then accepting the mercy and love we have.

The "Wilson Cam" will likely seem an unwelcome thing for Rep. Joe Wilson. But he'll come to see it as a positive thing, for accountability.

If Rep. Joe Wilson sits quietly, it's not hard to imagine that we'll forget all about the infractions. That's the way I am with my friends.

So, what I'm trying to say, we wish all of America's manifold blessings on Rep. Joe Wilson as he wrestles with his demons and emerges free.

The Wilson Cam

Rep. Joe Wilson, Republican from South Carolina, now so very well-known for his outrageous interruptions of President Obama, doesn't think he did anything wrong. So the Congress is debating whether to censure him for his most recent outburst.

His explosive, abusive character has come under fire in recent weeks especially. The taint of scandal has been never far from him, along with the smell of corruption. But he hangs on somehow and insists he did nothing worthy of punishment.

We are thinking that anything less than censure will not measurably slow him down. As he has been persistent in his avowals of innocence, it is our fear that he will continue to bare his teeth and lash out whenever the president makes appearances in Congress.

There's been talk of having a Wilson Cam on him the whole time, so that we can keep better track of his bluster. I think that's a good idea, as it would be helpful for security reasons in solving any unexplainable attacks, perhaps as they involve more than simply words.

At one time I felt the Congress and its members had the veneer of respectability. But in recent months, since President Obama's inauguration, with all the virulence of the right, that veneer has lost much of its shine. I would urge greater security whenever the Congress comes into contact with the president, so that he is protected in every way.

Rep. Joe Wilson has shown his true colors, which have not been those of a true American. He has demonstrated that wherever he goes, we need to keep our eyes open, our sensors on. If he's going to be present in Congress, the Wilson Cam is the way to go, at least at the start. Then if he continues to act up, we respond to it as it seems appropriate at the time.

But America is the land of second chances. Rep. Wilson has used up, in some sense, all of his chances. But America is also the land where we believe in mercy and bending over backwards to restore the wayward. It is our hope that Rep. Wilson will be willing to meet us halfway.

This is the land that gave him life. This is the land that gave him the opportunity to serve. Having said those things, he needs to respect our values and traditions and not bite the hand that feeds him.

What Rep. Joe Wilson has done in recent months is vile and despicable. There is no argument about that. I have heard none. Perhaps he does deserve being evicted and removed forthwith. But I still believe in what I said, what's in the essence of those values and traditions. I refuse to think that anyone is all bad, even this guy. I firmly believe there must be some good in him.

So, yes, go for the censure resolution. Yes, go for the Wilson Cam, for our protection and his. But finally go for forgiveness and restoration, first, last, and always. Show him we're bigger than he is, and that he will receive another chance, a chance to make things right in the future.

His heart may be hard now. But won't it have to soften up with America's hand of mercy?

The Parade

That was one long parade, the inauguration.

If you count the time it took for President Obama to get from the Capitol to the reviewing stand, that alone ate up most of his first term. Then the bands and whatnot went on for some time, leaving everyone quite exhausted. The reviewing stand was pretty much empty by the end. I saw signs on the chairs for the Joint Chiefs of Staff, for their guests, and I don't know who all else. Obviously there was plenty of room there for me, if I happened to be in Washington, D.C., and was a also a trusted, security-cleared observer.

Unfortunately I was here at the half acre, tending to more local concerns, like getting Grandma her Cream of Wheat and making her comfortable in bed. We've had some cold weather, with the plastic puffed out on the windows, and it's been my big fear that gaps develop around that. But so far everything's holding. My responsibilities never end. It's a constant vigil, that and other home things. So I couldn't go to the White House.

It was nice seeing the whole ceremony today, though, with Mr. Obama and all the festivities. It was too bad Senator Kennedy got sick, and Senator Byrd. I know we have a good margin of Democratic senators over the Republicans, but if we lose two a day I don't think we can hold out that long. Two at the same meal! It might be worth checking to make sure the cooks weren't Republicans. It seems awfully suspicious that the cameras go out, two senators fall close to their death, then the cameras come back on and everything's back to normal.

As for all the activities, this is why President Obama works out all the time. Just making it through a typical day would kill anyone else.

The Secret Service

That must be weird, to have Secret Service protection all around you. Bomb sniffing dogs, sharpshooters on buildings, agents to the left and right of you, with your kids at school, etc.

But when you're president -- or even a presidential candidate -- that's your reality. Which I'm glad about, because there are plenty of nuts out there who'd love to hurt the president or the president-elect. Probably him especially, because of all the promise yet to come.

I've been to a couple political events where the Secret Service weren't so secret. It was nice to see them, all fit and trim, looking serious, at another level from the rest of us. I remember seeing the sharpshooters (my guess) up on the buildings at Independence, MO when Clinton was there. And the way they had a hold on John Kerry's belt from behind when he was in Sioux City. They could pull him down in a second if there was trouble.

Actually, I was at an Obama event, too, which I hadn't forgotten but it's not on my mind a lot. The Secret Service was there, and one of the agents told a guy standing behind me to keep his hands out of his pocket, sir.

They do a great job for the most part. Just a couple disasters -- JFK and Reagan -- in recent years. The incidences with Gerald Ford had happier endings. I'm just hoping they keep Barack Obama safe forever.

A Little Panicked

It's interesting what Obama said about McCain, that he's "a little panicked." At this point, things are on the downside for McCain. The economy's in the toilet and he's seen as someone who championed deregulation, eventuating in these terrible conditions. His chief economic adviser, Phil Gramm, is someone immediately complicit in the whole mess. McCain's corrupt lobbyist buddies have steered his straight talk express over a cliff, and as McCain (a la Wiley Coyote) looks down and sees nothing but solid ground quickly approaching, I guess I'd be "panicked" too.

Reality has its way. We're all going from Point A to Point B, and we do arrive. If we deny reality for the sake of ideology, even an absolutist ideology, we eventually arrive at this conclusion, that ideology is still relative and reality real. Aim your bus for the cliff, deny it will go over, put the pedal to the metal, and just see how it works out. McCain's troubles come from being infected with the disease that is the modern day Republican party. They think up is down, wrong is right, and corruption is good government. Propaganda is effective in accomplishing a lot, but it might help not to fall for it yourself. And certainly you ought not depend on it as your whole program. Because, again, reality's right there in your face, stupid.

But we still have several weeks until the election. And this is where propaganda can be effective, in stinking up the place with lies for short-term gain. We have plenty to watch out for, but fortunately we have a candidate (Obama) who is smart and appears to know what he's doing. The debates ought to draw some good contrasts to his benefit. The better Obama does, the more "panicked" McCain will be. Get the old bird sweating, flustered, frustrated, temper on edge, spouting cliches, changing positions, pandering, lying, looking old, tired, and generally as worthless as he is, and we ought to do OK.

102-Year-Old Grandma Voting for Obama

This links to an article describing how someone's 102-year-old grandma decided to vote for Obama. The someone is named mangelwurzel, which when I mention again will have a capital M, just so it'll look more like a person's name and less like a botched German dish.

All of the HER and ME pieces below are from Mangelwurzel's article. So anything politically incorrect is Mangelwurzel's grandmother and does not necessarily represent the views of this blog's management, including Grandma Slump herself, who, of course, swings Republican and so is generally very politically correct.

One other item. I won't be researching whether Mangelwurzel is a male or female. Grandma calls Mangelwurzel a "Sweetie," which doesn't seal the deal since I've heard a lot of that over the years myself, but I will call Mangelwurzel a she anytime it comes up.

HER: My God the world's turnin' upside down over here

ME: What do you think of Sarah Palin?

HER: I tell you I can't see her as the president, she should be home taking care of all those babies. My heavens to betsy, one's knocked up and the other's retarded

ME: (wincing) Well, then what do you think of Obama, Grandma?

HER: Ohhh, I don't rightly like the idea of a black man in the White House. I'm worried he might shove it down our throats, everywhere you look it'll be black this and black that

ME: Well, I know you come from a different era, Grandma, but times have changed. It's not about black or white, it's about the man and his policies and what he can do for America. I think we're getting beyond that now

HER: Well, you're probably right and anyway he's the only one who knows what the hell he's doing, we've got no choice

ME: Really? You mean that? What about McCain?

HER: I never liked him very much, I don't reckon he could manage himself out of a paper bag

ME: (laughing) I don't either!

HER: But you know, I'm not going to be around much longer, it's not my problem anymore

ME: What?!? You're still alive, ain't you? Are you registered to vote? I thought Dad was going to take you over to vote like always.

HER: Yeah but I don't like this whole electoral college, delegate thing where I don't feel like my vote counts, we should have one man, one vote, a popular vote

ME: Ok, I agree with you there and certainly my Democratic vote is like a drop in the ocean in rural Texas (I vote by absentee ballot) but every vote helps, regardless of which party

HER: I just feel like my vote doesn't count

ME: Grandma, I don't care who you vote for but would you please vote this year? For me?

HER: Alright, honey, for you I will, I'll go vote

ME: Great!

HER: You want me to vote for that little black boy? (snarky voice)

ME: GRANDMA! I know he's not even half your age but he IS 47! Don't vote for him for my sake, you should vote for who you believe is the best candidate

HER: Well, out of what we've got, I don't see what other choice we have

ME: Your decision, I'm just glad to hear you'll vote again

HER: Probably my last time, you never know

ME: Nawwww, Grandma you'll be around for the next one

HER: I hope not! (laughing)

End of Mangelwurzel's Grandma's transcript. Now let me comment.

Grandma says, "My God the world's turnin' upside down over here." There must be something in the tone that implies this is a political statement and not just normal falling over, as Mangelwurzel replies, "What do you think of Sarah Palin?" From there on we're into the politics.

Grandma speaks with bluntness, using some interesting language, saying, "I tell you I can't see her as the president, she should be home taking care of all those babies. My heavens to betsy, one's knocked up and the other's retarded." Mangelwurzel rightly winces, because the phrase "Heavens to Betsy" is very outdated, even for centenarians. Then beyond that, Grandma is concerned that Obama is black, but maybe Mangelwurzel can explain to her that they still haven't found a cure for that, and that she should be compassionate toward the less fortunate.

Another tact -- not my personal favorite -- is what Mangelwurzel tries, explaining that "times have changed" and that America might be getting beyond racial distinctions. Grandma's in no mood for a discussion; I can tell that. My experience with Grandma Slump is that she doesn't agree this quickly unless she just wants you to go away so she can take a nap.

But Mangelwurzel takes her victory where she can get it and switches the subject to McCain. I like this, because if you leave Grandma to her own devices, at this point, the bugaboo on Obama being black will reemerge and she'll likely say something unpleasant. You know, maybe something about kinky hair, those hair bonnets they have to wear to keep the moisture in so the hair doesn't crack and fall into their food. That's the biggest reason white folks always hated soul food, the constant spitting out of dry hair. Anyway, we don't want Grandma to say anything embarrassing and stupid, or, frankly, racist, so let's move on...

The subject is McCain, and at this point Grandma and Mangelwhatever are both on the same page. Grandma says, with the keenest eye for intelligence and ignorance I believe I've ever seen in a doddering person of her years, "I never liked him very much, I don't reckon he could manage himself out of a paper bag." That is true. History records it -- which is no doubt where Grandma picked it up -- that John McCain spent 5½ years trapped in a paper bag.

Then Grandma turns morose, saying, "I'm not going to be around much longer, it's not my problem anymore." Mangel fights back tears and assures her that she has at least a 5% change of living until Nov. 4. For me, this is a place for a reassuring hug, as well as making sure her will is all in order. But what does Grandma do to compensate for her moment of weakness? Something I've never heard Grandma Slump do, that's for sure. She flips open a poli-sci textbook (her comment on the Electoral College)! My grandma can only be coaxed out of a stupor like that in two ways: 1) Tickle her under the chin; 2) Serve canned apricots.

But look at Mangel's punctuation: "ME: What?!?" She didn't respond with a gentle question. This was an excited response, then she mentions Dad, and Grandma is shocked back into sentience. I like that, verbal shock therapy, with a twist of guilt (i.e., remember you have a son who may appear to be fed up but still doesn't mind all that much doing things for you, so snap out of it!)

Grandma's response shows she may have once been a Social Studies teacher. To me it's so obvious that Grandma didn't really say this, "I don't like this whole electoral college, delegate thing where I don't feel like my vote counts, we should have one man, one vote, a popular vote." Mangel's lying! And yet, because it's so obviously a lie, it must be the truth, because no one would expect us to believe it unless it were true. So, yes, Mangelbaum's grandmother really said that.

Toward the end, they come to an agreement on the Electoral College, but still, Grandma must be coaxed into voting. "I just feel like my vote doesn't count," Grandma whines, perhaps sensing a serving of apricots and a good chin tickling in her immediate future. Then Mangel mangles it up by saying she doesn't "care" who Grandma votes for, but purdy-pwease, do it for wittle ole me. "Aw-wight, hunnybunch, for wittle old you I'll go vote..." Sickening drivel! Here's where my outrage comes from: The Bush administration is the most criminal administration in U.S. History. John McCain threatens to continue on the same path. Grandma needs to vote for the sake the country she presumably loves. But Mangel makes it into a personal thing, "For Me," and has the audacity to say she doesn't "care" who Grandma votes for! At this point I'm describing the brownshirts at the door, they're coming to get you, Grandma, they have ways of dealing with you! There's their ax! There's their sledgehammer! By now she's begging to vote for Obama.

Now, I know everyone will say, what about you? Haven't you said that Grandma Slump supports John McCain? And that she swings Republican? Yes. Those things are true. My only defense is this: I have no defense. But I may have a strategy. Let's just say when election day comes, maybe I "forget" where the voting station is, maybe I do. Or maybe I fill up the tank with gas, maybe the voting station is only a few miles away, maybe I drive around most of the morning looking for it, maybe I pull up next to an "unrelated building," and run in to do a "quick errand," maybe I refill the tank two or three more times as we're driving around between 7 a.m. and the time voting ends. I'm not saying any of that will happen, but if it did, there'd be no harm, no foul, because my own vote (which may or may not have happened during the "quick errand" at the "unrelated building") wouldn't be cancelled out by Grandma Slump's vote for McCain. So in that hypothetical it would be net one for Obama.

Back to Mangel's grandma. She says in a "snarky voice," "You want me to vote for that little black boy?" You know, I've always liked little black boys, like the ones dressed as servants, holding a ring to hook a horse to. The original black Cabbage Patch babies. And who can forget the story of Little Black Sambo? He's an overcomer; the tigers turn to butter. It's a great story.

Finally, in the end, Mangel guilt trips Grandma into making a commitment to Obama. "Don't vote for him FOR MY SAKE, you should vote for who YOU believe is the best candidate, hint hint." Grandma rightly says, "I don't see what other choice we have." Mangel is happy with "YOUR decision." Grandma gets sullen again, but invites a response of false hope, "Probably my last time, you never know." Then Mangel offers the false hope, "Nawwww, Grandma you'll be around for the next one." Here's where it gets treacly. Grandma says with a laugh, "I hope not!" If I'm Mangel, I'm sitting there thinking, OK, don't worry, you won't be!

The Democratic Speeches

These reviews of the Democratic speeches will be short celebrations. I have zero criticism to make.

How about John Lewis? That was a great speech, wasn't it! The guy's a legend, and when he stands there it's like watching a million bucks that knows it's a million bucks. He's integrity incarnate.

The Martin Luther King, Jr./Rosa Parks tribute film -- That was inspiring in the most profound way. It really teaches you something, that they may hate and kill you at the time, but in the end, by a life of integrity and truth, you win. You hear of King wondering if his stand based on Gandhi and Jesus is adequate for the times, but he goes with it 100%. What a vindication in the years since then and now. He and Rosa Parks and all the other non-violent heroes did conquer and their names will live forever. Those who opposed them, those who opposed civil rights, those who labeled King a pinko and all the rest... Where are they? In the hall of shame, in history's dumpster.

Rev. Bernice King -- Brief speech meant to introduce her brother.

MLK III -- Real good. Personally, I don't think I would want to go through my own life continually talking about my dad day in and day out, for decades, but it must be OK with him.

will.i.am and John Legend -- These guys are geniuses. The song, which I guess was called "Yes We Can," built on Obama's speeches and included numerous snippets of his speeches as part of the lyrics, being sung over at the same time. That was a thing of beauty. I was amazed.

Al Gore -- The guy talks in a flawless way. And his intelligence is so astounding. It's hard to believe we ended up with the total moron we got in George W. Bush. For all those other morons out there, who thought George Bush would be more fun to have a beer with, how was the beer? He doesn't even drink, morons. This country, by the barest majority (electoral votes), turned away Al Gore. There must have been some terrrrrrrible karma this country was set to pay that allowed that tragedy to happen. Like maybe slavery and the massacred Indians put together. Otherwise there's no sense at all to it, unless good doesn't really triumph over evil. And make no mistake about it -- Make No Mistake About It -- George W. Bush is evil.

Susan Eisenhower -- She did a nice job.

The retired generals and admirals -- Good. Their spokesman laid it out in a nice way.

Barack Obama -- Who? Oh yeah, that guy. That was a stunning speech, right from the heart. I was blown away. Crystal clear, inspiring, specific, cutting, funny, common sense, heart of America, perfect.

At the end, there was something I loved, a bit of stagecraft. They played that classical type of music, in a slow, meandering way, and it suggested to me the end of a movie, where the heroes and victors are going off in slow motion, suggesting a happy ending, something extremely satisfying for the viewers. It gave it a kind of significance that is different than just walking off to some oldie. Then the way that Obama himself was the last one out; I thought that was a bit of genius too.

Clearing My Throat

I still have all of my old scruples about serious cussing around womenfolk. This is something I got in part from Grandpa. He was big with some of the milder cussing but always saved the F bombs -- real vulgar stuff -- for when he was around us guys only. I remember he'd take me to school and he'd be F bombing all over the place, and I definitely knew I was a guy.

But I actually have a lot more scruples than Grandpa ever had when it comes to this stuff. I think he was a wild man wherever he was raised (southern Missouri) and did his best to come around to civilization. But I was civilized from the start, a proper gentleman in many ways. (I had a mother who kept tabs on me.) I could still fit in with Grandpa, if you know what I mean, but boys were definitely softer in my day than in Grandpa's.

So, this brings us up to today. And yesterday. When they were reporting all that business about Jesse Jackson wanting to cut off Obama's [clearing my throat], I heard it once, then cleared my throat all the other times it was mentioned. I don't need Grandma hearing that kind of dirty talk. So she's going, "What'd they say?" I'm kind of patting my chest, like, 'I don't know what brought on that throat clearing fit. Something down the wrong tube.' "I'm sorry, Grandma, I didn't hear it." Fortunately she was able to let it go.

And there I am, hoping for better news, anything else, an earthquake in China, a typhoon in an orphanage, anything to keep me from being embarrassed.

Plus, think about it: Grandma is so old that her mind runs in deep ruts. She might hear what Jesse Jackson actually said and go around repeating it. And sometimes she can talk really loudly. "HE SAID HE WANTS TO CUT OFF HIS [clearing my throat]." Then I'd be clearing my throat like that when Grandma's talking to her friends, or in the grocery store, or sitting in church. Patting my chest, never knowing what came over me.

The only thing to do -- well, there's two things, 1) Go without the news, except Grandma is addicted to getting the news; 2) Keep clearing my throat everytime it's reported or, or right at that moment click it off and say, "Well, sounds like we're into reruns."

If you know as much about old people as I do, you know they hate reruns. I knew a guy whose Dad was a very depressed old man. And this guy wanted to cheer him up, so he suggested getting him a VCR. "Ahh, what do I need one of those for?" So the son said he would get him a lot of John Wayne movies. But the Dad only complained in his lowest depressed voice, "They'd probably just be reruns."

Now that Jesse Jackson has apologized for threatening -- you know -- they'll probably quit mentioning it so often. I hope! But till they do, the throat clearing is a clever enough ruse. And I really don't think she's catching on.