Paywall -- R.I.P. Monthly and Yearly Options

 
This has been a very tumultuous week for my blog, relating to the paywall. I had five subscription plans, two of which -- the Daily and Weekly --  have already been terminated. Look at it as growing pains or just the way things shake out. And I'm afraid that was just the beginning of the bloodletting. Because today, unfortunately, we are also saying goodbye to the Monthly and Yearly options. This was never the way I wanted it.

None of this has even vaguely resembled what I expected. I figured by now I'd have several readers in the Daily option ($100/day), a few more in the Weekly ($700/week), quite a few in the Monthly ($2,800/month), and one or two in the Yearly option ($33,599/year). Just add that up, estimating, and it would've been around $70,000! As it turned out -- I'm red-faced -- I have zero, nothing.

I'm sure I could've eventually made quite a bit. They say subscriptions to things on the internet are hot commodities. But I personally had issues with the whole thing anyway. As to the Daily, the bookwork would kill me. Same with the Weekly. That left the Monthly and Yearly, and the basic issue I had with those is the possibility of losing the income once I became dependent on it. That'd be devastating. And there's other issues.

To lose the Monthly and Yearly subscribers would be very bad, because I prefer real, genuine, actual commitment, and those subscription options do not give that. The thought of someone subscribing for a month, even though it would provide me a much-needed $2,800, rankles me. And the same for the Yearly. The money would obviously be great, and it'd be a great value for my readers, paradise on the cheap, especially when you consider the life-sustaining quality of my teachings.

But, again, it's the termination point that gets me. I can't be 100% sure every subscriber would re-up. And it's that terrible possibility of losing even one that leads me to end the Monthly and Yearly options. The idea that a subscriber would deny himself, for whatever reason, would make me feel like a party to a suicide. That would be devastating, even though I would not be legally responsible. There'd be no comfort in that dodge; I would still feel morally culpable. Still, I'm torn, because it'd be insanely great to have the money. Yet, how could I live with myself without the absolute certainty of commitment?

So, the only subscription option that I can continue to offer, in all good conscience, is the Lifetime plan, at $5 million (reduced by $5 for anyone lucky enough to get hold of one of my "hard luck" vouchers.) If someone pays $5 million, they're set for life. They're happy and I'm happy.

Now, a word about the bookkeeping, one sore point. I have clearly stated that I do not want to be involved in the minutiae and tediousness of bookwork. I'm not good at arithmetic, for one thing. But going beyond that, it takes time, precious time that I could be using to greater profit meditating, thinking, and writing, or even spending money on new things and new pastimes. For example, I'd love to audit a couple courses at the university, maybe even one on bookkeeping. And get an iPad, which I've slobbered over endlessly without ever taking the plunge. I believe, with enough millions of dollars at my disposal, I could find an accountant who would handle my books.

Lastly, I want to address one more thing. This is going to be a sit-down heart to heart. I'm tearing up. I have an unbelievable lump where my heart used to be. My heart is pounding ... and breaking ... as we talk. I want to address a thorny question that's come up. I have what I would call a "core readership," dear friends out there who not only read the blog but respond with lots of helpfulness as to ideas, etc. You know who you are. We have had a great time together, and I shall always treasure that.

For these dear ones -- a small group -- $5 million, even factoring in the hard luck voucher, is, they claim, cost prohibitory. What provision might be made for them? After all, they've been faithful, and I've already touched on my desire for complete commitment, not wanting to be responsible for suicides, etc. Rest assured, you are not forgotten.

The first, shorter, more pessimistic answer to you is that I haven't yet come up with anything definite. But you have my word on it that I will give it a lot of thought, a lot of thought. However, at this point, I believe that to allow you continued free access would be very unfair to those who pay. It could very well be that this is it, that we will have to part company, as much as that would essentially tear my heart out. To lose anyone goes against my soul, seriously. Just as my eye is on every sparrow, so my eye is on you. But sometimes life simply gives us bad choices through no fault of our own.

My earnest desire -- which just might work -- is that I get so many $5 million Lifetime subscriptions that some of those subscribers might loan their log-in information to the poorer readers among you. That way, say, they're out of town, traveling around the world, or whatever, you will have access at least at those times. It might not be perfect -- I'm not saying it's ideal -- but obviously it's much better than nothing. So you don't miss out entirely.

Paywall Defies Time -- No More Weekly Option

My idea of a paywall for the blog has hit something of a rough spot. Of course anything worth having carries with it challenges, so obviously I haven't given up. It might sound undiplomatic, but the truth of the matter is I think I need a higher class of reader.

Please, though, dear ones, don't get me wrong. The basic run of the mill reader, Joe Average, Walt Wimp, is just fine. I have no problem with him or her. But there's always that few -- like burrs in your underpants -- who ruin it for everyone. Like right now, I have a mild headache, thanks to this one idiot, and in this condition I don't know if I can go on. I might have to postpone this post till tomorrow, or maybe even next week, till it goes away. Which isn't good for anyone.

But this clown had to jump in there! And take me to task for ending the Daily subscription option yesterday. Of course he thinks it's his business, merely because, he says, he had been "considering" a subscription at that level, $100 a day. To him, first, let me say, I might "consider" getting a pound of bacon out of my freezer. But until I actually get my fat ass up and do it, there it stays...

I don't think I made any secret of it that I wasn't all that gung ho for the Daily subscription plan in the first place. Think of the bookwork and trouble it'd be for me, handling all these paywall issues by hand, to be setting people up, only to have their subscription end tomorrow. Plus, what's 100 bucks a day? A dribble, a little bit of nothing. I need more money than that.

Anyway, the guy was "resigned" to the fact that now he would "have to go with the Weekly option," at, for him, a "torturous" $700/week. I thought this, but I didn't say it to him, I'll show you torture! I'll terminate the Weekly option, too. Then you'll go for the Monthly, Yearly, or Lifetime, or you'll be out of here. So earlier today I made that executive decision, by fiat, No more Weekly option!

I did it in anger. But on reflection, it seems only right to do away with it. Really, all it was was the Daily option x 7. If I had 100 subscribers at $700 a week, even though that's arguably still a good chunk of change, imagine how they'd keep me hopping trying to keep their subscriptions in place, up to date, and so forth. Again, with the bookwork I wouldn't even have time to sleep. Or, with me out spending their money, I wouldn't even have time for the bookwork, or to write.

So the guy did me a favor, I guess, even though he meant it for evil. That's a funny thing about evil. Right when they think they're screwing you over, they're actually creating a monster, albeit in this case a more clear-thinking monster, who will screw them over. Thanks, buddy, but you're potentially out! 

Now, I have one major problem. And it's the strangest matter of timing I've ever heard of. I should laugh, is this ever a matter of timing! It's about blowing my mind, after having tied it in knots. Because it involves guys who were at the South Pole in the 1920s, simultaneously trying to subscribe to my blog while not even existing anymore. I can't untie that one! And I'm not going to try, except to say I'll probably keep the money.

OK, here's the sequence of events as best as I can reconstruct them. The guy cheesed me off, then I ended the Weekly option, then the Radiogram from Admiral Byrd came in, along with a check from the expeditionary team in Antarctica for $1,400. The sequence doesn't shake out in any other order. If only I had not decided to end the Weekly option! Or if the Radiogram and check had come five seconds prior to that decision! But I'm like the Medes and Persians, once I decide, that's it. So Byrd's out. I won't process his two week subscription. And it breaks my heart a little, but the policy's in place.

I almost feel like I should make an exception for these guys. After all, they somehow managed to cross 80+ years of time and even transcended death to get their subscription in. But my decision is to hang tough. There can't be that many guys like that, but if I start making exceptions today, who will it be tomorrow? Julius Caesar, Schickelgruber himself? Once I break the rule, it'd be tough to adhere to it in the future.

I'm not going to be able to figure out the riddle of it, how they could've sent a radiogram about my blog in 1929, and a check for $1,400 drawn on Antarctica's largest bank, 20-some years before I was born, and have it all show up this week while I've been writing about my paywall. You'd almost think there was something bigger than all of us at work there. A force? Maybe ... but if so, why didn't it allow them to get it to me before I decided to end the Weekly option? As great as it all is, they missed it by a full two hours.

My suspicion is this could be just neighborhood kids, messing with me. They've seen so many science fiction movies, their heads are swimming with schemes. Rockets to the moon, harvesting dead bodies for food, two headed men, pinball machines that take over the world. Admiral Byrd back from the dead? It's ridiculous. And yet, the kids around here.... They're not smart enough to pull that off, are they? They barely know which guy's their dad.

I called Lil at the Bigelow and she said the Radiogram came in just like all the others. The ones announcing the end of World War II last month and the one in April about Lincoln being killed. I'm just going to let it go. What do I care? I looked it up online and Byrd and his team aren't even in Antarctica anymore. Haven't been for years. He died in 1957, meaning this $1,400 check is ... dare I hope? ... found money. For some reason, who cares what, the expedition decided in 1929 to send me money. They were crazy enough to go to Antarctica to live, where there's nothing worth living for, so it only stands to reason they might be nutty enough to send random money to random people yet to be born.

But whatever access to the blog they think they're owed, and their Radiogram does appear to specifically address that as their desire, shall be denied.

UPDATE: I've gotten notes from a few of you that this Radiogram was a fake, because it's signed Sydney Greason, a guy you never heard of. I'm sorry you don't know the basic facts of anything. I would've assumed that everyone knew, since it's something I learned in Kindergarten, that Sydney Greason was one of Byrd's chief underlings, for a time, before losing the post ... that same year ... 1929. Hey, what if Byrd was pissed at him for sending the money, then not getting access? After all, from their point of view all this has already happened.

Paywall -- You Just Lost the Daily Option

I heard an interesting quote, that I think really applies here: "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." Whoa! Let that sink in! That's "the mass of men," Joe Average, Walt Wimp. So applicable, definitely, to the situation here at hand! Whoever first said that surely had in mind the Wimps of our present day. How prescient!

It's in that awareness, and that spirit, that I announce an executive decision, made without consulting anyone, asking no counsel but my own inner authority: I have cut off and immediately terminated your opportunity to sign up for a Daily subscription plan. That option is hereby gone. You're out. We've already moved past it. You've been judged unworthy. Your inaction doomed you, as I figured all along it would.

Does this mean the paywall for my blog is dead? No, how would you come to such an absurd conclusion? Did you do it on your own? What a leap! It certainly does not mean that. But it does mean that for those who might still avail themselves of one of the higher subscription plans, your time also is running out. Do not delay. The cutoff point could come at any time. Act now or possibly be left high and dry. Don't presume, the time remaining is short. Act now, with all haste. Due diligence must be your watchword.

With the Daily option gone, that leaves plenty of options: Weekly, Monthly, Yearly, and Lifetime. If finances are an issue, then by all means I'd say go with the Weekly plan. At $700 a week, it's your most economical rate, but it might not last. Lock it in now. The other plans remain more secure, Monthly ($2,800), Yearly ($33,599), and Lifetime ($5 million.) You can have a fair to excellent hope of those being available.

But who knows? Sometimes life's opportunities are fleeting. All the things we have to go through to exist ... most of it has nothing to do without our own conscious choices. But there are a few things, some of the things of happiness that the moment makes demands on us. My part in that is to experience it along with everyone else. But once in a while, as here, I have something to do with it. And I don't mind teaching a few dawdlers a lesson or two about life! Ever hear the old saw, Time waits for no man... ? Well, things happen.

So that gate is shut, that door is locked. May the money you might have used for the Daily option canker and rot. I wouldn't accept it now were you to throw it at my feet. The reason why -- and this is obviously a serious matter -- is Wimps are not worthy. There was a very good reason, as it turns out, why you were so labeled. Your failure to seize the moment was signal. Opportunity knocked, but you failed to answer. Forgoing your role in the equation was a crucial decision, and lamentable...

For me, the term Wimp always calls to mind a dreadful condition of spinelessness, and in this case the allusion is deadly accurate. It's weird that you share life with me. It just makes you realize, we're all that close. We breathe the same air, we see the same sky. Day is day for each of us. But there's huge differences in how people seem to function.

Maybe it's not entirely your fault, although I'm not looking to prop you up with excuses. Newborns sometimes lack just the right oxygen mix, then years later pay for that in failing health. However true that might be, I'm convinced most of our problems are our fault. How much oxygen would you have needed to do the right thing in this instance?

So, yes, the paywall's still going up. That won't be stopped. But something has been stopped, something has been terminated. The Daily subscription option. If you have only $100 to spend, keep it -- we'll do without your meager contribution.  The clarion call that you somehow missed has now gone silent, what was warm is now cold, and your chances are through. What a terrible thing it must be -- I'm trying to imagine it --  to realize how close you were, how your opportunity was right there at hand, and you were unwilling.

Paywall -- Dreaming of The Whole Enchilada

I still haven't heard from anyone about subscribing to my blog. And you know something? I'm surprisingly calm about it. I'm not embittered in the slightest. One, I'm sure there will be a few pipsqueaks come through with a One-Day subscription, at the Wimps level. And I can probably count on it that at least two or three will eventually show up with a week pass, at the Banties level. But if they don't, hey, it's their loss. I'll be sitting behind my paywall enjoying myself!

Still, it'd be cool to make a lot of money, even if it had to dribble in at $100 a day or $700 a week. Multiply the possibilities, even the Wimps and Banties could make my life more comfortable. Obviously the more Banties the better. At $700 a week, if I could get 100 Banties, that'd be .... quite a bit of money. Enough to do a few things anyway.

Then there's the possibility of some Monthlies and Yearlies. Big cash there. I'd be set for life, to a certain extent, although there'd always be the possibility of losing them. What I'd really love to get is one Lifetime subscriber. There'd be no losing that person. He or she would pay the Lifetime fee, then be locked in. Which, as I recall, I said would be $5 million. That's what I'd really like. Anyone out there want to buy a Lifetime subscription to my blog for $5 million? If so, don't be shy. I'm here waiting.

Wow, $5 million. I could really live on that kind of money. Not that I'd waste it. I'd hate to rip through it and have to keep writing for a Lifetime subscriber on fumes. A bunch of it would go to taxes. That sucks. But what might I end up with after taxes, maybe $3 million? That'd be enough. I could make my garage into a suitable writing suite. A new couch, some tapestries.

There's a big question: Would I favor my Lifetime subscriber over the others? I'd try not to. But it'd probably be like fishing. If you have one enormous fish, it makes the others seem puny. Plus, like I just said, the others would always have the option of coming and going. The Lifetime would be locked in. Someone who'd buy a one day pass, those folks are like insects that hatch out and die in a day. What a life! One-Weekers aren't much better. Like lightning bugs, a big blaze today, then dark tomorrow. You figure they're signing up at such a miniscule level because money's iffy. How can I build my life on such a shaky foundation?

I can only imagine the many excuses they'd come up with for dropping me! "Cable TV went up again." Yeah, we know, cable TV goes up every month, like clockwork. Remember when it used to be the cable company had to go to the city and get special permission to raise the rates a dime? Those days are gone forever. Now it's 10 bucks more every month. That's another reason for someone to lock in their rates with me -- $5 million for a Lifetime -- because they'd have it for life. Unless, of course, I had a proviso allowing for a rate increase after X number of years.

The Monthly and Yearlies are not really that secure either. As to the Yearly, his subscription of $33,599 is a good chunk of change. But what if I became dependent on that, as would be very easy to do, then I lost him? Talk about being left high and dry! The obvious answer is to have so many it didn't matter if I lost a few. But there's no guarantee of security. I'd still have to be frugal, I'd still have to scratch.

I could really use a Lifetime subscriber... Then if I did have $3 million left, I'd take care of it as best as I could. Even with low interest rates, I'd still make tens of thousands a year, equivalent to several Yearlies. Prosperity and comfort would be mine, and I'd daily slog out blog posts to keep him happy.

So the conclusion is, yes, if I had a Lifetime subscriber, even though he would be locked in, I'd dote more on him. That'd be my constant bread and butter, till one of us died. If he died, I'd still have the money. Or if I myself died, that'd be it. My family would know I had all this money. I'm laying there dead, at the funeral home, with a chair right up front for my Lifetime subscriber.

The lesser subscribers could take care of themselves, or not even be invited.

Paywall -- I Know You're Out There

I haven't heard from anyone yet about their subscription plan. I'm tapping the computer, it seems to be on. So it must be something else. I seriously want to encourage you, if it's courage you need, to please hurry up and get your financial info to me, and which subscription plan you've chosen. I can't delay the paywall much longer.

I think maybe I started something yesterday. In not hearing from you, I may have inadvertently insulted those of you who would otherwise have chosen either the Daily or Weekly plan. My designating of those levels "Wimps" and "Banties," and using other words denoting weakness, was only to give the sense of them in relation to the better, stronger plans. It was only my personal opinion, or sense of them, and I didn't mean to denigrate or demean anyone who would choose them.

All that said, the same truth holds, that you definitely have stronger options than to go with the bare minimum, cheapest option you can find. That's how it is throughout life. Like cars. If our first choice is just any old broken down clunker, obviously we are not going to get very far, either physically in transportation, or physically with any date that we may otherwise have had.

The way I've always seen it is that money doesn't buy happiness. Happiness starts in you, in your core, and only can be significantly aroused and strengthened by your money and your willingness to part with it. As an example, I presently have a dog, Underbrush, who was free. I love her with all my heart. But if I had purchased a dog, certainly that would also be good. Like one of those big fluffy white Newfoundlands that are so cool. They have to cost a lot! And since they eat like a horse, that'd take a lot of money. Meaning, I could just skip the middleman and buy a horse.

There's another possibility why some of you may be so slow to get your financial info to me, and your subscription plan, and that's because you're mad. Paywalls can be like that, bringing out the best or the worst in everyone. I know how strong those resolutions are: "I'll never ... blah blah blah." Hell, I've even said them myself, I'm now ashamed to admit.

But in my case, I've allowed cooler heads to prevail, and have acceded to whatever the demand of the moment was. Consequently, of course, I've had bills like you wouldn't believe. But I've been happy, even as, yes, naturally I know at some level I've been the host and some other guy the parasite. Now it's my turn. Think of yourself as a useful cog in the apparatus of free enterprise.

So where does this leave us? It leaves me waiting, impatiently, but as patiently as I can. And it leaves you with only one wise choice, either to go with my Daily, Weekly, Monthly, or Yearly plan. You definitely do not want to miss out! The paywall is going up very soon, and you don't want to be shut out of my blog!

I may not know everything about you. But of course I know enough to get you in big trouble if I don't hear from you real soon, PDQ, as in "Pronto, Tonto!", mister or ma'am, dear reader. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to sound threatening. I'm pleading, come on, good sport, loyal friend! Get your body in motion -- hey, hey! -- let's hear from you today! Are you sending it yet?

What's Your Paywall Strength?

It's all happening very soon -- and I want you on board. My blog is going behind a paywall, where access to all my great articles will be exclusive to those with paid subscriptions.

The paywall apparatus is not installed yet, so there clearly will be some "leakage" in the days ahead. Some posts will no doubt still be visible to the general public. It can't be helped, and for those who take out daily or weekly subscriptions right away, that will be a downside for you. But, you know, growing pains! :)

Not to worry, though. All this is a matter of short-term problems. Soon enough, my posts will be your exclusive domain, to roam in privately as you see fit, and to feast on, bringing you much joy, happiness, and mental balance. (I've thought of submitting my blog to respected psychiatrists, to test my theory that it contributes to people's mental balance. So far it's only a plausible theory.)

But your main worry should not be whether the paywall's in place yet. What I want you to worry about and take care of is to get your financial information and chosen subscription plan to me ASAP. Do not delay, because without it you could be shut out at any minute. I don't want that to happen. I need "All Hands -- All Paying Hands -- On Deck."

Since yesterday, I've revised the subscription plans, to give you greater leeway, so you can pick from a wider array of options the plan best for you. Here are the choices:

DAILY -- $100/day, unlimited access up to 24 hours.
WEEKLY -- $700/week, unlimited access up to 168 hours.
MONTHLY -- $2,800/month, unlimited access up to 744 hours.
YEARLY -- $33,599/year, unlimited access up to 8,784 hours.

Looking at the options, you can see there's a great way to save money by going monthly or yearly. If there's 31 days in a month, you're paying $300 less than the daily rate. And yearly is even better than monthly. Not only are the same monthly savings included, but you save one additional dollar over the course of the year.

To sweeten the deal even further, there will be between four and eight "hard luck" scholarships, vouchers valued from $5 to $7.50 to apply toward subscriptions. This is a goodwill gesture on my part, I hope nothing anyone will exploit. I plan to parcel them out in a controlled, systematic way, lest there be a feeding frenzy-type atmosphere, as sometimes you see in impoverished countries when shipments of rice or medicine are delivered by helicopter. I saw one once where the people grabbed on to the helicopter and literally brought it down. That won't happen here.

As you pick your plan, please keep in mind that by choosing one you are also declaring your "paywall strength." I think this is worth considering, because you don't want to appear weak.

At the present time, frankly, I am reserving my personal respect only for the higher end plans. The daily and weekly seem like weak tea, better than nothing, certainly, but barely. There's something shameful there. But the monthly and definitely the yearly plans are ones I can respect. May each of you choose the yearly. I look forward to serving you.

I've been working on labels for the different plans. These are subject to change, but so far I've got:

DAILY -- Wimps
WEEKLY -- Banties
MONTHLY -- Sluggers
YEARLY -- Heroic Titan Warlord Gods

Other possibilities for Daily and Weekly might be: Creampuffs, Welps, Pipsqueaks, Brute Beasts, Dribbles, Failures, and Clowns. For Monthly, I've considered: Saints and Patron Saints. But it's for the Yearly that I've dreamt most exuberantly: Lords of Heaven and Earth, things like that.

If somehow I could ever sell a Lifetime Subscription (no survivor rights), I don't know what I'd call that! Maybe MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE / EXALTED STRENGTH HERO / VIDI VENI VICI / FATHER-MOTHER OF HUMANITY / PROTECTOR OF MORALITY. That category is so far out there, I don't even know the price I'd have to put on it. How about $5 million, with me reserving the right to negotiate a higher price and different terms after 10 years? With a $5 voucher, that'd put it at just under $5 million.

The Inevitable Paywall Blowback

Just yesterday I announced that my blog is going behind a paywall. I feel I have a right to make a living. Forgive me if I'm wrong -- sheesh! You can tell I'm a little ticked off. I've gotten some guff. Of course I'm not a neophyte, I knew it'd happen. And so it was, the inevitable blowback from my normally docile readers was quick in coming. It's all the usual caviling you hear whenever there's change. Of course they want life to stand still and never progress. To them, I hoist a massive erect finger and wave it around -- Choke on it!

On the other hand, I suppose I took them by surprise. I've been writing the blog for over five years without as much as a peep about money. With the big traffic I've managed to build up, it only stands to reason that on average they're going to be set in their ways. For them it's one big free smorgasbord! But try that at an actual fine restaurant ... they wouldn't dare!

But I'm unmoved by the flak. I'm sticking to my guns. Because when the paywall goes up, I'm planning to make a bunch of money. And for every person I lose, I'll probably gain a dozen. Having a paywall makes the place much more exclusive. And eventually -- looking way ahead, with the extra money -- we might even have a chat room where readers can go and assist each other in the perceived necessities of their carnal life. Winking, billing, cooing. But not yet.

At this point, I just want to review the basics of what's coming up, in case you missed it yesterday. The paywall access will be $100 a day, or $2,800/month. Going along with that, each level of support will have its own community designation. I'm still working out the labels. I haven't decided, for instance, if the one-day level of support will be called Worms, Wastrels, Failures, or Meagres.

Now, let's get back to some of the caviling of my worst readers, who've truly worn out their welcome -- I've had it! I'll finish off with some analysis of them and their problems. Most of the haters are very disgruntled, as you'd probably expect. Like red hot mad, and so they're willing to say anything. Check out this first bozo:

I'll never pay!!! There's plenty of other stuff on the net that's still free.

To whom I say, Yes, I, too, know of a recipe site in the Ukraine that still offers a free page. I think it's for oatmeal with a side of yak. Bon appetite! Hope you choke!

Our next brainiac has some problems with spelling. It's hard to believe I would attract a mouth-breather like this. But even as stupid as he is, I hope he manages to scrape together the money. He won't get any real good out of it, but he'll be that much poorer.

Your blog sucks dik. Good ridence to it. I wod not pay never no way.

My reply: I think I know what you said. I think if you look inside, you'll find out it is you all along who sucked, and still do. On the other hand, for someone with your issues, you might find relief in paying me. True, please, hear me out. You're used to measuring the value of something by your own infantile thought processes, whereas the majority of us see things more maturely. We're able to stand closely, or stand at a distance, to appraise a thing for the value it actually has. So in your case, if you were to pay me, and it's only a measly $100 a day, you would have that personal investment, and thereby what seemed like it sucked would suddenly become more valuable, even precious, to you. I'll expect your money, plus $20 for the therapy. And if you won't pay, choke on it!

Just one more example, one of the many variations I got on the first mail above:

We don't need Grandma Slump. There's plenty other blogs to read.

True, there's plenty of blogs. I just saw one the other day advertising veterinary health supplements. That's all they do, load you up on pills. Nice health plan. I hope they misdiagnose you as a wide-throated horse and give you an extra big prescription. Choke on it!

What we're dealing with here, of course, is the usual crap you see whenever a popular website goes up with a paywall. We always see the same thing, which we call the "5 Stages of Paywall Grief." 1) Anger; 2) Confusion; 3) Sinking in Quicksand; 4) Bargaining; 5) Acceptance.

The first three are self-explanatory. In Bargaining, in this case, I'll probably get earnest calls to give away more $5 vouchers ("scholarships"), or increase them to $7.50. Which I will likely do. Then there's Acceptance, when the average reader gives in -- it's all very predictable -- and pays the subscription fee. Complete, utter surrender. They're addicted to the site, and with the passing of time eventually they can't resist paying. They might need to take out a loan, overextend themselves with new credit cards, sell their house, sell their organs on the Russian black market, or whatever, but they'll be back.

Even though I have called my readers primadonnas on more than one occasion, I know you truly want me to succeed and do well with this paywall system. Because my success is your success, you think. You think you made me, and, you know something, if that makes you feel better, I will let you go on thinking it. Yes, you did! Thank you so much for my success, through no effort of my own!

I'm Going Behind a Paywall

I have a huge announcement! Wish me well! Starting just a few days from now, there will be something very different about my blog: It will be behind a paywall, to be enjoyed only by paying customers.

Of course I'm very excited about the change. Because up till now -- it's been well over five years -- I've been writing my posts and putting them out there for free. But now, at long last, I've decided that I need to make a living. Getting disability for my game toe is fine, but it's not giving me enough disposable income to get out there and really enjoy life. Which is something that would be good for me. Also, it would give me more interesting things to write about, meaning more subscribers, meaning more money, meaning more disposable income...

I have a love for writing, of course. But love doesn't start to cover the expenses. And a freeloader readership, while nice for the added sense of life they offer to a site, doesn't generate a single dime. So now, or in a few days, all that's going to change. For those of you who can afford the subscription, you'll be in for some great things. But for those of you who can't afford it, or are too cheap to spring for it, that'll be, unfortunately, IT. But wait, I have a little good news later...

When the paywall goes into effect, the modest subscription fee to access the blog will be $100 a day. Or, if you'd like the convenience of going monthly and the chance to save money, I'll be offering a special $2,800/month plan. That gives you two free days in an average month, up to three days sometimes. February will remain full price, so I can recoup some of the costs of January and March. (Rates guaranteed not to increase through the end of the year.)

I know what some of you are saying, probably. You're questioning whether that's really modest. To you it seems like a steep subscription price. I don't know. It depends on how you look at it. If you want the best, of course it's going to cost a little more. Through hard work and endless dedication, I've taken this blog from literally nothing to the internet powerhouse it is now. That can't be free. Not if it's going to do me any good.

What a big step this is for me, huh? No more will I be writing merely for the love of writing, or to express myself, or to unburden myself of various compulsions! From now on, it's going to be cash, money, the big granola, that's my driving force. Like it was for Charles Dickens, and virtually any other famous author. Ducats.

OK, I said there was good news for those who may be financially strapped, or at least using that as an excuse. The good news is I'm going to make available four $5 vouchers a day. If there's a big demand for these, I will have a lottery to assign them randomly among those seeking additional help. Think of it as a "scholarship" for those who are hard up for five bucks. If you're lucky enough to get one, it drops the price significantly, into double digits. These will be good as a discount toward a one day pass.

Now, just to get into some logistics. It's tough building a firewall. I don't know the first thing how to do it. But my guess is everyone will need a user ID and a password. The key thing is, once I get your money I will put forth my damnedest effort to get you logged on. Eventually it will be so good it wouldn't be slicker if you used WD40. That is my vow.

This is it, folks! For those who won't be making this jump with me, it's been nice. I'll be sorry to see you go. C'est la vie, c'est la guerre. For those who will be continuing on, you are to be congratulated. Maybe -- it could happen sometime down the line -- I'll spring for some crackers and cheese when you're in town.