Washington Vs. Lincoln -- The Pregame Show

The Big Championship Game was already played, on Sunday, March 25, with Lincoln beating Washington. In the newspaper account of Wednesday, March 28, we learned the score, seeing that the Lincoln hardcourt boys had edged Washington in the cager classic, 56-54. Today, Monday, April 2, we're listening to the pregame show, which of course was recorded before the game but only now is presented, thanks to the miracle of tape delay.

The voices we hear are those of the various announcers, whose identities are not all that important. But they include Bud, Bud, Dick, and Ralph.

-- Both teams will be giving it all they got. They are well aware, you can be sure, that there's no tomorrow for either team. Today, right now, this very minute, is all they have. There's no more days to count. It all comes down to this, the present moment, the eternal now, if you will. If they don't leave it all, everything's they've got, on the floor today, and I mean today, it's not going to make one damned bit of difference tomorrow. You can take it to the bank, it's gonna happen...

-- I'm picking Washington, Ralph, and I'll tell you why. Washington was our first president, and any team that takes that name knows it has to fight like George himself to be Number One. There's no second place for a team called Washington!
-- But of course Washington has lost before, Bud. There's no team in America with an perfectly unbeaten record over the years. They've come in second before, clearly, as you well know, so it could happen again, but I believe I get your point.
-- Exactly, my point is not that they haven't lost before -- even they would admit the obvious truth, not being able to tell a lie. My point is they're going to give it all they've got, not just for the sake of the game, which is big in and of itself, but to bring honor to their name and Washington's primacy.
-- Agreed.

-- Lincoln's looking good this year. And you have to hand it to them, I think they're going to come out ready to play. And I believe with a lot of scrappiness and gettin' on it from the git-go. I can see them throwing Washington off their game. You know, Washington may have the primacy in terms of being the first president -- that's indisputable --, but Lincoln in poll after poll is people's favorite president, hands down. Get me?
--I do, Dick, I get you. It's like this: Washington, being first, never had to live up to someone else's reputation. But Lincoln, coming after, knew he had to be a scrappier president, and get on it from the git-go, if he was going to overtake the previous giant. He started a Civil War, for crying out loud, that's damned scrappy, if you ask me! But that's what he had to do! If you want to fill a giant's shoes, you gotta go for the glory. And I think that's exactly how Lincoln's going to play today.

--Who do I like? I like Zeke Denominator for Washington. He starts down low but divides the crowd and comes out on top. And they've got Kelvin Celsius, whose had the hot hand lately. He's a lot like Denominator. He gets down low and before you know it, rises high to the rim and has the other team sweating it out. And of course Lincoln has Phillip Nozzle. When they put him in and he's pumping shots, Lincoln's miles ahead. And their big man, Wilt Redwood, stands head and shoulders above 'em all, dropping the ball in for quick scores or giving cover to the rest of the team.
-- Don't forget Washington's Abe Lanky, Bud.
-- No, no, of course not!
-- It's a bad name for a Washington man, but it forces the big man to play that much harder, to show he's not a Lincoln plant. I can see him matching Redwood point for point.

-- Everything's set for a great championship. The setting, the rivalry, the atmosphere, it's all just right. We have the Washington Eagles, with their hatchets and cherry tree branches, and the Lincoln Panthers, pushing their angular faces forward with fake beards and tousled, nondescript haircuts. Someone's hopes die today, and course Lincoln's always watching their back. Will Washington remain standing to cross the river of victory? Or will Lincoln leave the building, not in a box, but by the power of their own two feet? Time will tell. The coming together of past, present, and future will tell the whole story. And we already know the outcome in part: One of these two great teams will go down in history for glory, and the other in shame.

Hardcourt Boys Play Cager Classic

A good-sized crowd was on hand in the Lincoln High gym Sunday to watch the Lincoln Panthers edge the Washington Eagles, 56-54. The two presidential clubs faced off in this year's cager championship.   

Enthusiasm was high as the hardcourt boys marched up and down the floor. The cagers of Washington took an early lead, in keeping with their namesake's primacy as president, but the lead shifted back and forth throughout the game.

Cager Wilt Redwood, Lincoln's big man, was their high scorer with a total of 16 points, by a happy coincidence tying their president's place in the list of U.S. chief executives. All the other Lincoln hardcourt boys put up points, with high-flying Hawk Sandpiper nearest Redwood in nested shots.   

For Washington, their big man, the unhappily-monikered Abe Lanky, was the highest scoring cager, adding 17 points. Fans breathed a great sigh of relief when the hardcourt boy sank a late free throw to put him one over 16.

The other Washington cagers did their best in the losing effort, in part sparked by the torrid play of Kelvin Celsius, playing at fever pace. Zeke Denominator often found the bottom of the net, but was called for numerous infractions and fouled out.

On the Lincoln side, Phillip Nozzle pumped in a quick four points, fueling a short spurt. 4 foot 9 Al Soran was the low man on the boards with a single free throw.   

The boisterous crowd was the sixth cager for each team. Tempers flared and the game was stopped three times to warn them against throwing hatchets and fake beards to the court.

Lincoln fans mocked Washington when their hardcourt boys lost the lead, holding up signs referring to the cherry tree, such as "Sharpen Your Axe!" and "The Tree Still Stands!"

But Washington fans gave as good as they got when the Lincoln cagers fell behind, their signs referring to the 16th president's arguably premature death, "It Only Takes One Shot!" and  "Sic Semper Panthers!"

Lincoln Upsets Washington, And Ghosts

Ready for a freaky story, true in every detail, right down to the ectoplasm spewing from the lady's mouth? This happened just as I'm writing it, and it was just yesterday, so it's clear -- crystal clear -- in my mind.

I was at the Heaven bar for the championship basketball game between the Washington Eagles and the Lincoln Panthers. It was exciting, not just because we watched it on the big screen, but for the obvious fact that Washington and Lincoln are high schools from the same town. Meaning we were all mixed together, with periodic clashes, like with every lead change.

Thanks to Washington having cut down the cherry tree, of course the Eagles feasted on cherry pie. But because Lincoln isn't associated with any particular food, they were eating a la carte. This turned to the Panthers' advantage, because there's nothing Washington can razz them about when it comes to food. But the cherry pie thing can be deadly when Washington loses the lead, and they have to suffer the famous Lincoln quote, used as a taunt, "If I had eight hours to chop down a tree, I’d spend six sharpening my axe."

But the Panthers hate this taunt of Washington's just as much: "We should never despair, our Situation before has been unpromising and has changed for the better, so I trust, it will again." Lincoln sees in that a mean-spirited reference to the Assassination, Washington as much as saying, "Wait 'em out! Lincoln can't go the distance! He couldn't finish a stinking play, he doesn't stand a chance at basketball..."

OK, I was paying close attention to the game as it went back and forth and as the bar rocked with cheers, boos, and the occasional, but rare, flying hatchet. But there was something else going on in the bar. Every TV was tuned in to the game, every one except one, a small set in the corner being watched by local psychic Madame Sosotris. Always in touch with two worlds, she was watching Ghost Hunters.

For most of the time, those watching the game prevailed, as far as the noise, but the psychic was tolerated and semi-respected when she would periodically whistle and call for silence. We'd look over and hear a brief comment on her program, such as, "Grant just saw an eerie light at the end of the hall!" Then it'd go to commercial, and when it came back, she'd learn it was just Jason's flashlight. We'd go back to the game, only to be interrupted a few minutes later with a whistle and again the silence, "Jason just heard a thump in the wall!" After the commercial, she'd announce, "It was just Grant in the next room tapping the wall."

Everything was building to a climax in the game, Washington and Lincoln exchanging the lead as it came down to the final minutes and seconds. Hatchets and cherry pies were flying around the room, and a few of the Washington partisans had grabbed the fake Lincoln beards from the Panthers and were throwing them as well. Then as the last few seconds wound down, the score tied, Lincoln stole the ball from Washington and hurried down the floor for the game-winning shot.

It was pandemonium in the Heaven bar, total chaos, until it was amazingly broken and silenced by the presence of Madame Sosostris literally floating through the place, ectoplasm spewing from her mouth and the stuff forming enormous mounds wherever they fell. The Ghost Hunters show had actually hit on something important! She brought a message -- President Washington's concession to Lincoln -- channeled through Grant and Jason:

"There is a Destiny which has the control of our actions, not to be resisted by the strongest efforts of Human Nature. I shall not be deprived of a comfort in the worst event, if I retain a consciousness of having acted to the best of my judgment. We'll get these Lincoln bastards next year!"