Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Left Behind By Hiatus

The world is spinning on its merry way. And time marches on. While I sit here in my hiatus, watching it make its way farther out of sight.

At one point I was right there in the saddle, keeping up, sometimes setting the pace, calling the shots, and writing my own ticket. Life was a banquet and I was at the head table. I called to "Garçon" to bring another round of drinks as I made rather merry with my friends. I was swinging with the best of them, boy. All the best clubs, discotheques, blog rolls.

I guess I didn't know what I had till it was gone. Which is always a lesson worth learning. If only I could grasp the lesson before suffering the consequences. My father had the same trouble, which was how he became a monk in the first place. It's a little something I like to call "not looking before you leap." Or not looking far enough ahead to know it's going to be a disaster. Because once you've renounced everything, it's hard to get it back. You're left scratching like a blind bantam hen.

He got some of it back, leading of course to his marriage to my mother and my birth seven months later. But he had to leave behind a bunch of stuff in California, probably because the other monks needed to know they weren't supposed to be doing those kinds of things. I'm thinking he didn't look before he leapt, but maybe he did. It's one thing to put it out there, it's another to put it in their face and make them grin and bear it. At least in the short term. I don't think he got the last laugh exactly.

But enough about ancient history. I've got my own grief today. Caused by taking this hiatus. Which seemed like a good thing at the time. Until now when I look around and see how much I left behind, and the fact that life is leaving me behind more and more as we speak. It's all going away. I'm left here alone.

If I were outside -- which I'm not -- the rain would be streaming down my face, washing away my tears. You know what? I think I'll do that. It's still raining pretty good. I'll go outside, stand in the rain, and shake my fist in proud defiance. And shout words of derision in their general direction. You never know. Maybe I'm looking at this all wrong. There's a certain value in being the only one left. I may rise again!

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