Sunday, May 17, 2009

Making Peace With My Hiatus

I finally feel like I'm getting acculturated to being on hiatus, and am settling in.

This might sound weird to you -- like, Why would anyone need to adjust to time off? Or, We thought you were already so into your hiatus that there would be very little acculturation necessary, in our opinion, if any.

Oh, my friends, you still do not know me? I have had your interests perpetually before my mind's eye. The idea that tending my little flock here was (1) a responsibility, and, (2) an opportunity. It would be an opportunity because of the many valuable teachings about life I can pass on, wisdom, that sort of thing; and a responsibility because I set my mind to write this blog one time, and I don't like to give up easily.

You should know that it's been rough for me to be on hiatus. A quick scanning of my posts over the last month ought to prove that. I've been up, I've been down. My spirits have soared but more often they've been in the toilet. Right now I feel like I'm choked up, gasping for the breath just to get me through the next few minutes of breathing. There's perpetually a dagger in my heart, and that gets old.

But as time goes on, it's getting easier. This of course moves me closer and closer to out and out permanent retirement, I should warn you of that. But I'm still not saying it's a done deal. Because I could come back at any point. We're not there yet. What's getting easier, though, is the sense that I can't (and probably shouldn't) see this blog as such a terrific responsibility. Just as I dropped the newsletter and the real-life meetings I should be able to drop the blog as well without too many qualms.

I know a few of you still check in to see how things are going. For some of you, those who still view me in a positive way, you probably want me to end the hiatus all together, as well as all talk about permanent retirement. The vast majority of my former visitors -- those I would call enemies at this time -- would probably taunt me to my face. Stay or go, it makes no difference to us. I sense your apathy. But it's not strictly apathy, because you're still emotionally involved in seeing me fall. That's not apathy, that's spite. Or wishing someone trouble. It hurts, but that's your way.

As for my own feelings -- I won't deny it, there are still some very raw moments. But over all, like I said, I'm starting to make peace with the whole thing. The time off, the time I'm killing, there are some satisfactory moments. It's not all fretting and being consumed by the sense of responsibility. For the most part each day is a blessing. Putting my feet up, scratching when and where I need to, and just taking it easy. I don't know that I was made to be a public person. I'm just me.

Well, that's where we stand. This may not be welcome news to you -- whether you like me or not -- but I am definitely making peace with the idea of being on hiatus.

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