Sunday, May 24, 2009

No Hiatus Like An Old Hiatus

Age before beauty. Respect your elders. Don't badmouth an old person. As you are now, I once was. As I am now, you also shall be. The more wrinkles you have the more hiding places you have for your money. We have lots of well known sayings concerning the aging process, getting old gracefully, dying young, staying pretty...

I always liked the one about being too old to cut the mustard. It brings up a great image. And of course the one that says, There's no fool like an old fool. That's probably my favorite expression when it comes to old guys. It means you're a fool, but when you're old and desperate you show it more. Why? Well, you have lots of younger guys who are constantly aided in their foolishness by willing girls and other guys. You're young, lah-de-dah, and the world is your prize. But by the time the same guy is old (and a fool), the others have died from various STDs and he's busy groping at nurses who don't care. Hence the expression.

My hiatus -- at first pictured as short, sweet, and to the point -- has officially entered the phase of being so old there's no way back. It crossed a threshold at some point, maybe a week or so ago. It's gray around the temples, it's holding in its stomach when something in a short skirt walks by. There's cragginess on the face, a wrinkled forehead, and a sinking feeling when cleaveage is exposed. At this point, it's going to be nothing but shuffleboard, razzing waitresses, and competing to see who pays for coffee.

I thought it would be a great breather, a time to recoup my strength and resolve. But something happened on the way to recuperation. I took a wrong turn and ended up at Hopehaven Manor, which has the depressing slogan, "The last stop before the last stop." The aging process has advanced. I have brown spots. I look like crap. I have become Grandpa!

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