Tuesday, September 7, 2010

No More Sex -- Industrial Maintenance

Anyway, no more sex.

We're getting back to business, the business I announced yesterday of "how you can prosper as a residential industrialist in the face of the major industrial powers." And my opinion on that subject is that everyday dry, mundane information -- non-sexual information -- is the key to our success. Because if you're dwelling too much on the lusts of the flesh, frankly, you may do something that's over with in a couple minutes, but you're not going to accomplish anything that will stand the test of time.

So you can see, just because something is a dry subject, that doesn't mean it's not important. It is!

I'm in the tire business, of course, and there's a lot of picky little dry-as-dust details when it comes to tires. They need air -- a tire's always gasping for air, panting, heaving, a lot of heavy breathing going on, so much air pressure. All that lusty breathing puts you in the mood to work your hardest. And you've got to keep your nuts tight, with everything securely screwed when it needs to be. It takes so much work, you feel like blowing your stack. And you just might. You will certainly regret it, but in the heat of the moment, you know it's definitely a great release.

What I want to address today -- for my fellow Residential Industrialists -- is that maintenance is an all-important thing for your equipment, your factory, and for all your many moving parts. You have a conveyor belt that gets too loose, it's just like the belt on your pants, it gets too loose, things start falling down. Then what do you have? Your pants down around your knees, you're struttin' your stuff around the room, very proud, but no one else can get anything else done with an unwelcome protuberance constantly bobbing in their line of sight. Especially if you're a natural redhead.

Next, oiling and greasing are essential aspects of maintenance. How many machines with pulleys and pistons, levers and prongs, have been destroyed because we forget to keep them well lubricated, luxuriating in silky lubricants and oils? You don't like the chaffing and discomfort of too much dryness ... down there. You don't want to miss the satisfaction that comes from lovingly applied lubricants, ranging from a warm soapy lather all the way up to the very specialized edible lotions you find at Spencer Gifts. There's just something about everything being all slippery and smooth that gives you that extra-added, indescribable sensation of pure pleasure. And that's how your pulleys and pistons feel, too. They fervently desire a spritz of oil every now and then, and maybe flowers after the shift.

Regular maintenance, regular attention to all your moving parts, is what keeps everything throbbing and pulsing along in a beautiful, well-adjusted harmony. I know it's very seductive to listen intently and hear the satisfying sound of parts moving together as one. Back and forth, rocking gently yet insistently. But without maintenance, our factories -- let's face it -- get very tight -- even uptight -- and at their neurological center they become a bundle of frazzled nerves, just waiting finally to completely snap. Lying in a heap, twitching and babbling, occasionally an exposed electrical short flashes, lighting a dark corner. An air hose flips up with a random convulsion. No ones wants to be alone. No one wants their needs neglected. I've seen pulleys that have never been satisfied, pulling at it all day but nothing happens. And screws, neglected, finally falling to the floor in a frustrated pile, never again to seek reinsertion.

All of our equipment has the same needs we all have -- maintenance, attention, loving care. From the biggest boiler -- with the hottest pipes in the plant -- to the smallest coffee pot, that abides alone, making only a single cup at a time, each one has challenges of its own. And if you're not there to maintain it in its day to day course, don't be surprised if you show up for work and see it's drained itself all over the floor and has died ... or has run away to Thailand, perhaps, where the industrial trade, they say, is very hot, wild, and free.

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