Horny, The Dance of Destiny

 

Knowing Your Destiny

Part 20 of 30

Remember the time I was into “Horny Goat Weed?” (As a reminder, it was about the time Dale nailed Delilah.) Of all my posts and all the feedback I get, of course there’s lots of “Attaboy! for all that. Because a lot of my readers are so sexually hopeless they have to celebrate anytime they hear of anyone's who's had success. And no doubt the weed helps to a certain extent, at least from the psychological promise that it could help. The other feedback I get are desperate pleas for counsel on getting the best strains of Horny Goat Weed, but honestly I haven't kept up on the subject. My advice, find a few satisfied goats and follow them.

In my old age I’m just not into the weed anymore. I burnt some of my last bridges to success when I was down on money and had to cut back. Plus, with age it passes. My family actually used to have goats and they were horny no matter what weeds were available, so I took a lesson from that. We never spent a dime on their upkeep or care and new goats still materialized as if by magic. So, my advice, simply start with what you’ve got in your pants and learn an important lesson from my poor example, don't get old.

These days as I practice my current obsession, being a counselor of Destiny, life is a lot less specific than goat weed, procreation, making whoopee, or any of it. It’s more holistic to look but not touch. And it gives you time for higher pursuits, goals, the meaning of life, and all that good stuff. What's coming up in your life? How are you working on your desires, and how does it relate to your overall destiny as you discern it? And what may the future hold? Maybe you could find success as a hoofed furry bald guy in the forest with a trombone and get lucky with the dancing denizens of the deep. That’s a good thing too.

Look at the concerned furrowing of his brow, critical but perhaps approving at some level. You do the “Dance of Destiny,” keeping pace with the other clients, and presumably at the end of the session you get the good word, “Keep up the good work. Don’t fail to come back for your sessions. And next time remember your checkbook.” Enough sessions like this and he could hire musicians, allowing himself time to examine the dance in a more focused way, and everyone's good.

As the Dance of Destiny goes on for you, wherever you are, I send out the good word, “Keep up the good work!” I’m sure that the good way you’re handling it -- if you’re handling it at all -- means it'll work out just fine. To a certain extent you have something to do with it, and, to a certain extent like all of us you’re just an unwilling participant in a dance bigger than yourself. Do your best. And whether you triumph (in the short-term) or soon stumble and fall into the abyss, you can be comforted knowing your did your best with your destiny, only thanks in part  to my extremely wise counsel.

Dale Nails Delilah -- They're Both Out!

And so it ends ... not with a whimper but a bang ... Dale nails Delilah on my kitchen table and has the hammer come down on him as well ... And now they're both out!

Meaning, as far as this blog's Board of Editors goes, I'm all alone once again. What a series of betrayals! First, Frank. Then Mark. Then Trade. And now these two, the ones I trusted the most. Dale, he was the silly one; I would've never thought he could've had it in his head to go after her like that! And Delilah, the thought of her yielding herself up so willingly, her legs like a wishbone, I'll never get the image out of my mind...

But it happened. With the only consolation, slight as it is, that it happened before the clock struck midnight, meaning I can at least start the New Year with a clean slate. The weird thing is, I wasn't even supposed to be home, and they might have gotten away with it.

I was out for the whole night, I thought. I've been self-medicating with Gaia Male Libido capsules (Horny Goat Weed) along with being completely chaste, thinking this combination would give me extra bulk and stamina for my New Year's Eve date/stay-over with the Pink Professor, my partner. But I was only half right. The bulk was there, the stamina was not. I was at his apartment, and as it turned out, I had to wait a while. There was an incident at the biker's bar where he works and he had to stay and help calm tensions and clean up the blood. That left me all alone, pent-up, very tense, daydreaming, thinking of the night ahead. Then by the time he walked through the door I was so worked up. It had to be the combination of seeing him for the first time in over a week, the effects of the Goat Weed, and my self-imposed chastity, probably the biggest mistake ever, that I wasn't even out of my pants before I was writhing on the floor in a very regrettable ecstasy. He thought I was having a seizure and was trying to work a shoehorn between my teeth and tongue. But no. When he discovered what had happened -- I was swimming in it -- he seemed OK, but naturally I felt a lot of shame for ruining the evening. After a while, we thought: Take some more capsules! But they were at home, necessitating my unplanned return.

The lights in the garage were on, where I and the Board of Editors work on the blog. But worse, the lights in the house were also on. Fearing foul play, I crept to the kitchen window and started seeing shadows on the curtain. I looked in cautiously, and -- Good God Almighty! -- there they were, Dale and Delilah, our only lady member, going at it on the kitchen table like a couple of wild animals! Of course they figured I was going to be out ALL NIGHT LONG! So this is what they chose to do!

I went around to the door and burst in, knowing they would surely stop, but they didn't. I grabbed a hammer, the first thing in reach, and whacked Dale on the back. But he didn't stop. Then I saw why: My bottle of Gaia Male Libido was tipped over and empty! Dale had taken, apparently, some 30 capsules! By now, Delilah, aghast at being caught, was trying to push him off from beneath. I was just about to pound Dale to death with the upraised hammer when the Pink Professor came in and pulled me away. Meaning I could do nothing but watch Dale huff and puff, and, finally, after 20-25 satisfying spasms, collapse on her in a tight embrace.

Later, the two stood before me, completely nude, Delilah with some shame, reaching for her kimono/dress thing, and Dale with a look of total pride. He'd taken so much Horny Goat Weed he couldn't help himself! You know the spring of the diving boards in the Olympics? It was something like that. Proving the stuff did give stamina if taken in sufficient quantity...

When they had dressed and we were all standing around, them with their heads held high, what could I say? As I said, it ended for them with a bang, not a whimper. But for me it ended with a whimper, not a bang. I could hardly chase them from the house with the hammer, as I had witnessed the beautiful love of a man for a woman, however herbally-driven it may have been.

Of course, I told them they were both fired from the Board, which was only to be expected. And they left unbowed, arm in arm, and were probably headed for a cheap motel. The Pink Professor and I closed the door, and since my own stamina was gone, and there were no more capsules, and my mental state was very scattered, we waited till midnight and toasted the New Year, splitting a bottle of Jamaican beer, then went to bed, cuddling till we fell asleep. He told me, "It's all right."

EPILOGUE: I woke up about 3 a.m. The Pink Professor was up taking a pee. He came back to bed and I dozed off again.

The Pink Professor -- All Night Long!

Well, folks, Happy New Year! The big day is here, New Year's Eve, and for most of us, it's going to be a really big night!

I would like to urge you, in case you haven't heard it yet, to be safe tonight! Don't drink and drive. Make sure you have a designated driver. And don't do anything I wouldn't, which includes just about everything.

I really have only one extracurricular rendezvous tonight, a little get-together to celebrate the New Year with my steady -- we've been together nearly a year and a half -- the Pink Professor. It's all monogamous and safe...

It's even more exciting this time around, not just because of the holiday, but because he's been away for a week or so, sharing Christmas with his mother and others. It'll be that much sweeter to see him. We'll be out on the town for a while, then the plan is to spend the night at his place. ALL NIGHT LONG! The whole night! Once I leave the house here, I won't be back!

And it ought to be a real experience. Like I said yesterday, I've been self-medicating with Gaia Male Libido (Horny Goat Weed and other herbs). My understanding is it's good for bulking up and stamina. Because the last thing you need on a big night like New Year's Eve is a wet noodle and an egg timer. I pity the poor fool who's leaving it to chance, especially when it's going to be ALL NIGHT LONG!

Since my report yesterday, where I reported that it twitched in the shower merely by thinking of a random body part -- which was the knuckle on a pinky finger -- I gave it a little more of an amorous test this morning -- a body part that will not be described, although you might guess it if I tell you it's always got identical twins hanging out nearby-- it not only twitched, it swept the general vicinity with enthusiasm, like a geiger counter. If I can depend on that kind of response ALL NIGHT LONG, then I believe all will be well.

My biggest prayer is the biker's bar won't need him. In case you don't know everything about the Pink Professor, well, he's quite a guy. In addition to his normal job as a prof at the local college, he serves a very important role at one of the local biker's bars. That's the Pink Professor role, bringing a softening influence to the coarse environment and clientele that goes with the territory. He's great at preventing fights or helping to break them up quickly. And he makes newbies feel more at ease, keeping them from getting knifed, etc. But tonight I'm praying they won't need him! I'm praying he'll be mine alone for one night, ALL NIGHT LONG.

And so that's it! You've got your celebration, I've got mine! And I hope everyone's evening goes great!

I'm going to get my stuff together here in a couple hours, my overnight PJs, slippers, Kindle, and what not, and I won't be returning home. No sir, not tonight! New Year's Eve comes but once a year, and I'm going to make the most of it, ALL NIGHT LONG!

Male Libido -- Horny Goat Weed

As a public service, I thought I would offer a review of this stuff, Gaia Male Libido. It's not exactly medicine, I guess, but herbs. The label says it "Optimizes health performance*," even though it says in the small print by the asterisk that, "This statement has not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease." OK, I wouldn't say the problem I'm addressing is a disease, exactly, but a condition or perhaps my hope to avoid a condition.

The thing is, I've got big plans for New Year's Eve tomorrow, and I was hoping to bulk up some...in a certain area. Then in the heat of the moment, I'll have all the extra confidence I might need. There's nothing like a sudden deflation to take the fun out of a good celebration. It's not that we don't love each other -- the Pink Professor and me -- but I don't want to have to impose on his love without something to offer, if you know what I mean.

(One of the biggest rules of my blog is that nothing "blue" is allowed, so I'm going to have to depend on you to "get it." I'm trusting that you've got some experience in these matters, whereas, if you don't, you won't be offended.)

Anyway, I've been taking the daily serving size of Male Libido for several days, which is three capsules. You take them between meals. For me, my interpretation of that is to take them right after eating. Each three capsules contain 3,495 mg of crude herb equivalent, which sounds like a lot.

The ingredients are Epimedium herb, commonly called Horny Goat Weed; Tribulus fruit; Muira Puama bark; Yohimbe bark; Sarsaparilla root; Maca tuber; Wild Oats milky seed; Fo-Ti root; and Saw Palmetto berry supercritical extract. I think I know what Wild Oats milky seed is supposed to contribute to, so we'll see what kind of output there is, but, honestly, this is the first time I ever heard of it. In fact, the only one I'm really familiar with is Horny Goat Weed, having seen it sold in the sleazier convenience stores over the years.

If you look it up on Wikipedia -- Horny Goat Weed -- you'll see that someone overseas, a long time ago, discovered that when his goats ate it, they were a lot hornier. And tests in rats have yielded higher penile mass, which is a good enough endorsement for me.

So how has the product worked so far? Well, actually, I haven't gotten-it-on since I started taking it. Another of my plans. Thinking that if I hold myself back while taking it, the results on New Year's Eve will be that much more powerful. Like a boxer, who doesn't want to dissipate his vitality before the opening bell. In my case, I'm hoping to trade a drooping lack of apparent enthusiasm for something akin to the pride of a durable fencepost.

The only test, nothing to brag about, that I've given it is a couple seconds in the shower. I merely thought of a generic body part and saw it twitch a few times. I didn't dare go any further. What I'm wondering is if there's a placebo effect at play, because, like the rat, there was some actual mass. Or maybe it's just that effective!

The big downer, in my experience of the Male Libido pills, is a terrible sensation of heartburn about an hour after taking the capsules. I don't have that ordinarily, and now it's everyday. Plus, a much greater appetite. I'm hungry all the time. So it's a tradeoff, but worth it if I have a great holiday. The checkout guy told me "Happy Holidays." I told him we'd see.