Saturday, September 14, 2019

Chugga-Chugga Motion

Part 14 of 30
Self-Abuse September

I’ve had a few newbies-to-the-nasty reading my posts this month, which I hadn’t expected, and a few of them made inquiries about basic techniques. I thought nature covered most of that, but then remembered, yes, a little initiation goes a long way toward one’s outcome. And not everyone has first cousins close at hand or near them.

So let's get down! I’ve always said it’s in the grip. But how many ways can you insist it’s all in the grip while avoiding the gripes of those who needlessly insist on details? I’ll just repeat what I heard long ago: If you’re right-handed, hold your hand in front of your face. Make an O with your thumb and first finger. Hold that up like you’re a pirate looking through a telescope. Survey your immediate surroundings, be on the lookout for landlubbers, hornswogglers, sightings of booty and cutlasses. In other words, parents and responsible adults who don’t approve of sex. OK, that’s good. If you’re left-handed, I have no idea, but I would suggest the opposite.

OK, maties, the coast is definitely clear, and you’re very sure, so drop your five finger discount to One Tree Island -- the happy native awaits his coming -- and embrace him in camaraderie -- less daintily and more insistent than if adults are near -- and see that he comes to life before he dies. And think, you’ve been a handful all your life, you just never knew that night after night you were tucking in a monster that at long last would manifest himself and his evil ways. This is nothing to rue, for good fortune is now at hand and before you know it you’ll be celebrating skyrockets in flight.

Shh, I thought I heard someone pull in the driveway. Gotta check, just the mailman turning around. You have to look out for everyone, certainly anyone who'd blabber everything in addition to censorious adults, who think it’s their life's mission to be killjoys. So I can’t run over everything in detail now. You have to feel your way through this.

But we do have time to review: 1) Grab a handful; 2) Be familiar with the different names of the apparatus, dick, etc. 3) Picture something that’s especially pleasurable to you. This doesn’t have to be body parts and actions of others, dirty words, etc., but you’ll completely fail if it’s not. 4) Go to town. 5) Be prepared for a distinguished aftermath, the arching fireworks of life. Tissue is preferable, although if you’re planning test tube babies now or in the future, any standard test tubes -- not recycled -- will do. Any other details you’re not certain of, again, just feel your way.

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