Thursday, July 18, 2013

A Great Victory -- We Closed Down a Bed Store!

You probably remember -- it's great to be notorious! -- me sharing before about my church and our pastor, Pastor Wadd. He's really undisputed in this, being well known as the best sexual addiction counselor in the three-synod area. Some of his teaching can be found in my old post, Pastor Wadd -- The Sexual Root of Everything. I'll admit, he can be tough to talk to. He's got a rock-solid stare and a mind that only goes one place.

Over the last few years, one of our church's ministry drives has been to take on bed stores and the sales of mattresses in general. We've pushed hard, a continual thrust. For example, we've even done everything we can to delay bed deliveries. The tougher it is to get delivery, the less likely people will buy them. And it's our fervent hope, if we ever get a legislature with a real set of balls, to outlaw the bed all together. Pastor Wadd's teaching on the bed is right on: The bed is the gateway to sex.

(Full disclosure: I myself have a bed -- I keep some of these details quiet -- but it's only because I have a bad back and can't sleep on the floor like the others at church. Nothing else happens there. Very limited frequency.)

Our work, as it turns out, has been something of a thankless job, that is, with the general public. Some of the infidels, the worst ones, have come out to take us on, trying to start pillow fights and the like. But we have marched peacefully, carrying our GOD HATES BEDS signs even in the face of terrific provocation. Bed stores hate to see us coming. One tried the old ruse of trying to kill us with kindness, bringing out water to us on one of those 130 degree days. We just drank the water and kept marching!

Pastor told us, If Moses could walk 40 years, we can make it another 20 minutes. Which was tough. And I know a number of our people went home and just crashed, spread out on the hardwood floor in misery. They were tired, but it felt great to take a load off. And they were comforted in the knowledge that it really does eventually pay off, all the hardship. That's what we're celebrating today.

I was driving by, out on the east side, earlier today, and saw the big signs by the road, "MATTRESS STORE CLOSING," with some of the details on their close-outs on all beds and bed-related products. They even had "Bedman the Dancing Mattress" flapping and waving his arms, now in his last days. They're going all out! Which I guess is OK. They can't very well just set their store on fire; there's other businesses in the area. They need to get rid of the beds somehow, although a bonfire in the country would be preferable.

It's really great, though, isn't it? Celebrate with me! It's gratifying to think that I did my little part in this, all part of a higher calling. Pastor really is right about the bed and sex. You hear of people going to bed together all the time. City councilmen with their secretaries. Congressmen with congresswomen, in their own kind of congress.

And of course there's the average man, out cheating on his wife, shacking up at the cheapest motel he can find, with some loose chick from work. I can just picture how it must be: Furtive glances all around, parking around back, having fake names picked out, Walt Defug, Alan LaCarte, Izzy Wither, etc. Pulling the curtains, locking the door, using protection, eying the bed, pulling down the covers, slowly undressing one another, her beautiful little black bra, looking deeply into one another's eyes, arranging the towels on the bed, skyrockets in flight, lovingly caressing her sexy tattoo, kissing the downy fuzz on the back of her neck, his fingers in her blond silky hair as they both doze off. Things you hear about. Terrible stuff. Too bad he couldn't just go home. Lay on the floor with the old familiar wife. The mudpack, the curlers, that old housecoat. Nothing new there. She used to be good. And forget the bed.

OK, that's the big news for the day! We're celebrating the demise of the bed store! Yes! The loss of jobs, a ton of money on the merchandise, and all the upheaval it brings! Hallelujah! But I suppose our celebration will be brief. There's several other bed stores in town. We've still got our work cut out for us.

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