Wednesday, April 8, 2015

My First Full Day As A Billionaire


Here I am, my first full day as a billionaire. How great it was, for a change, not waking up alone. Today was totally different: I had my beautiful checkbook on the pillow beside me all night, a little handkerchief covering it and a cotton ball for its pillow. I let it sleep till I was ready to get up and around for the day. I imagined it'd be a busy day for both of us.

I opened its beautiful pages to make sure it wasn't just a dream. And the numbers were still there, $2.1 billion! "Pucker up, you gorgeous checkbook, I'm kissing you! You're really quite the looker, stay as sweet as you are! Maybe I'll take you out for pizza tonight! Biggest pie in the place, my treat!" A guy could get used to this, I thought, gargling loudly, without shame, like rich guys do.

What a beautiful day it was, too. Nature's been inexplicably down in the mouth all these years, but today, finally, it was looking mighty fine. The trees seemed to know they were in the presence of economic royalty. I looked at the sandbox at the park and wondered about each grain of sand. "If each grain was a dollar, it wouldn't equal what I've got." Something like that.

Then it hit me, there's a lot of sand around the world, and there's no way I could keep up with sand. Grain for grain, dollar for dollar, I'll need to come up with a way to make more money. I could just ask the billionaire, but by now that'd look really awkward. I need to use my brain. That's when I hit on a great idea, a future project:

I went by this one car lot yesterday. If I mentioned it by name, you'd say, "Yeah, I know that idiot." Well, he's very down on me -- Cry me a river! -- because one time I asked him to hold a car for the weekend and said I'd buy it Monday. He said OK, then another guy comes by wanting it, but he said no. Then when Monday rolled around I didn't get the money I was expecting and had to renege on the deal. I see that guy once in a while and he's always fingering me. Like he never can forgive and forget. The guy needs to go to church and learn something of forgiveness.

As for me, now that I have money, I've got an idea that might just sink him once and for all, and make more money for me at the same time. If you can think of any downside to this plan, let me know, and I'll revise it. Here it is:

I go to a competing car lot and buy all their cars, 200 cars. I then drop by other car lots and see people browsing and invite them over for a free car. Pretty soon, 200 people have cars for nothing. It'd be sure to depress the market for all car dealers, including this guy who hates me. He won't be able to pay his bills. He'll be pulling out his hair, wondering what he can do. More the pity, then, if an anonymous rich benefactor swoops in to buy all the car lots, including his, for pennies on the dollar. Making me now the sole car mogul for the entire city!

It's funny how being a billionaire only brings out the best in me. I haven't done anything like that in my life, but believe me, it's only a matter of time now. Cars or something else. I could get in the semi-truck business with the same scheme, but there's no one in the semi-truck business who's ever done me wrong. They've all been very nice. Maybe a little too nice. Wonder what their angle is...

We're getting close to evening now of, again, my first full day as a billionaire. I guess that's enough scheming. I'll just enjoy this gorgeous evening and relax a while. Has it always been this pretty out? I never noticed. There's a bright light in the sky illuminating things. In the west. Other billionaires have probably noticed it, but I just now saw it. Is that the sun? And these things called birds are also singing. It's very pretty out.

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