This is going to be an amazing confession. Maybe not so amazing, really, if you've read everything else I've written here. But since there aren't any except me who've done that, I'll just confess to it right up front: I'm probably the most subconscious person you'll ever know.
I don't know what the problem is. It's obviously something from childhood. I remember being very subconscious in school, like I thought everyone was looking at me. I would have a hard time getting up and speaking in front of people, that's how subconscious I was.
So much for childhood.
In my teen years things just got worse. Of course a teenage boy is unusually clumsy and uncoordinated. But it's very pronounced when you add to it a high level of subconsciousness. When you think everyone's looking at you, noticing your every move, your every quirk, the whole thing.
And these things are objective facts, too, not just your imagination. You start getting pimples, bad skin, hair growing in different places, your voice is changing. It's really enough to make anyone feel subconscious, but for me, being prone to it forever, it was so much worse.
Next thing you know kids are pairing off, this guy's dating that girl, this guy's dating that other girl, etc., and some of us haven't quite got a clue yet what's going on, how we fit in. Anyway, you see them together, hanging all over each other, and there you stand very much alone, I was always very subconscious about that too. Like, Here I stand, what's wrong with me?
The whole thing goes on. Life gets easier when you're not a teenager. But still you know it's all just a front. Because people are the same creeps when they're adults as they were as kids. Only now they're talking about you behind your back, or at the country club. And you're on about a million blacklists. Life is one big blacklist you never get off of.
I see anyone and I seem to think I know what they're thinking. And subconsciousness gets the best of me once again!
Knowing this as I do, it's tough to leave the house. I see people, people see me, and I can't help feeling very subconscious. It's enough to make me want to scream.