Sunday, March 20, 2011

What You Can Expect When You Visit My Blog

I was raised to always be welcoming of company to our home. I had plenty of experience with it, because there was a time when visiting folks was very common, sometime before the "Me Decade" of the '80s changed everything and everyone started staying home. And of course it wasn't just selfishness that did it in, but everyone was suddenly afraid of getting AIDS, and so the family suffered. (Anyone else remember Ayds, the weight-reducing candy, that was ruined thanks to its name being pronounced the same? Fortunately, Spam has been resilient.)

But just because everything changed doesn't mean I forgot the lessons of those years; I'm still the same gregarious family man, still open to folks stopping by and "sitting a spell." And I carry that spirit over to my blog, where everyone is welcome, regardless of race, creed, color, sexual orientation, height, weight, age, glasses orientation, clean ears or not, Friends of the Library or not, dumpster divers, dump pickers, pea pickers, transsexuals, people who go to R-rated movies, Unitarians, hippies, thieves, hiccuppers, Goodwill employees, lifeguards, prophylactic vendor owners, blues fans, Pee Wee Herman, hitchhikers, pagans, bellyachers, vegans, butchers, elephant trainers, lion tamers, railroad dicks, graffiti artists, starving artists, film noir fans, people with serious BO, and derelicts. I guess there's only one exception to who's welcome: I'd prefer no Republicans. Unless they're transsexuals, Unitarians, blues fans, railroad dicks, and all the rest.

I kid ... of course ... that's what I do. If you're going to hiccup, it should be mixed in with a belly laugh.

But, no, seriously, everyone's welcome, and I want you to know what you can expect if you visit my blog. You can expect that you will be treated as an honored guest. Because in some sense that's exactly what you are. I don't get that many visitors here, so I have to appreciate the slim pickens that somehow make their way here. Guys like me (beggars) can't afford to be choosers. I try my best. Every other post has the word "sex" in it somewhere so I can be at the top of Google listings, but it doesn't do much good. They're on to me that I don't allow any blue material here. So I have no choice but to keep my quality high, hoping against hope, as it's turned out, that I'll create such a buzz that I'll become viral.

So what does it mean to be an honored guest? For me, it means you get the keys of the kingdom. Whatsoever you bind in heaven is loosed here. Anyone you forgive, I also forgive, withholding never a jot or tittle. Tittle's an actual word, too, it's nothing I made up to refer to little you-know-whats. I'm very gracious to my guests. If you have any good ideas you want me to write about, and are willing to sign away all your rights, including movie treatments, just let me know. I actually have plenty of ideas, as should be obvious, but it wouldn't hurt to cash in on a few that didn't cause me any personal mental strain.

An honored guest has certain rights, and I'm here to see that they get them. Of course I still need to have security, that shouldn't be an issue, and I probably should have the right to define exactly what the parameters of the security should be, since I'm the one seeking it. So, to the extent that all that's a given, if I have a few hidden cameras, a few hidden microphones, the ability to turn your webcam on and off at will, that's all something allowable. If you're not doing anything wrong, then you have no reason to worry about it. But I need to know what my readers are doing all the time. Because they might investigate me too, if somehow we're connected by you visiting my site. I need plenty of evidence that I had nothing to do with it, and no matter what I saw on your computer, I need to be able to swear that I received no illicit gratification from it in any manner of speaking.

To conclude, I'm happy that you're here, that you've visited my site. The average stay time at my blog being something under 30 seconds, I'd like to invite you to help me extend that. I keep getting the impression that people hitting my "sex" links are disappointed when they get here. And I aim to please. I'm just not that into other people's perversions. But I'm not calling you a pervert. You're my honored guest.

Note: Just for the historical record, here's my original notes on what this blog post would be. How do you think I did sticking to it?

several paragraphs of "honored guest"

welcoming, pampering, making at home, careful not to offend.

Then one incongruous paragraph of making paranoid, watching you at all times, triggering the camera on your laptop, always on the lookout for something scandalous. Biting hand.

Then a last paragraph of kindness, welcome, making feel at home.

No comments: