Thursday, April 28, 2011

Pitbulls, Sex Offenders, And Jake Brakes

There are three who are not welcome anywhere. They make up an Unholy Trinity, even though they technically don't have anything to do with each other. The only connection I can think of would be a sex-offending, pitbull-owning, jake-braking truck driver. If you see one, run.

The Pitbull -- The pitbull is the terrorist of dogs, a killing machine on four feet. It's the dog of super villains who would take on James Bond. It's bred for only one thing, saving money on dog food. It's bred to be self sufficient, to find innocent prey to satisfy its appetite. It'll take down any other animal, child, or even a man, to satisfy its epicurean urge. Worst of all, whether out of blood lust and meanness, it takes its half out of the middle and moves on, leaving behind many half victims, human beings left as paraplegics, and animal heads to adorn dens and lodges.

The Sex Offender -- Here we have the primal sex instinct gone wacky, seeking fulfillment while going against society's standards. And standards change, so they need to be on their toes. They live in the shadows, cultivating fantasies until they reach the inevitable breaking point, then they venture out to strike. Few things cause such fear in the hearts of the rest of us, basically just pitbulls and jake brakes. But the sex offender has what the pitbull lacks, no chain.* And while the jake brake must stop for satisfaction, he's ever on the move, never really satisfied.

Jake Brakes -- The jake brake is a self-stopping offender. That's its whole point. Where the pitbull would eat its way to China, and the sex offender would molest its way to China, the jake brake stops in its tracks. And that is its downfall; when you hear it stop, you've got it; were it to keep going, ever on the prowl, we'd never know it was there. But with the great noise it makes, the air rushing forth from a massive diesel engine, its cacophonous clattering lets everyone know there will be no rest tonight. It's like trying to put pig iron through a meat grinder, it's a demonstration of shamelessness.

We figure sex offenders at least have an occasional ounce of remorse, and pitbulls pull away from the pack after a kill when their whole head is bloody, but jake brakes would spit and sputter till doomsday, on the move till they stop. And stopping is their offense.

*Admittedly an odd sentence. Meaning, the sex offender has no chain, but the pitbull lacks that luxury (of not having a chain.)


Savannah said...

This seriously has to be the worst article I have ever read. A pitbull and a sex offender have nothing in common. I have 5 pitbulls and have had the breed for over ten years. So sad some of you preach nothing but hate.

Milo Goin said...

This is ridiculous, not very bright, and really poorly written. If you had your facts straight, you might have gotten somewhere. Unfortunately, you've gone too far. Being ignorant is a choice, so why not fix it. Pitbulls are awesome, amazing dogs (I have a pit bull who detects seizures for me, so much for how much they bite), and labrador retrievers test worse on temperament scales. You might try research next time.

Anonymous said...

Unbelievably the most ignorant rant I've seen to date. Only a moron of epic proportions could write this trash.