Monday, February 13, 2012

Crime Report: How Crappy Prison Is

Me and some of my fellow Skids gang members were sitting around shooting the breeze. It's pretty cool. Just a couple weeks into my new life of crime and they've accepted me as an actual criminal. And of course that's what I am. Fie to normal society and its life! Fie, I say!

A few of the guys have already been in prison in their life, which gives them something to talk about. I always thought if I'd spent time in prison I wouldn't want to be blabbing it around. But that's one of the dictates of life on the outside, like if you're trying to get a job. If you're with other criminals, it's a plus.

One of the guys started talking about his experiences in the slammer, how crappy he said it was. I hope I didn't look too shocked, but at one point I felt my mouth drop open. Because some of the conditions indeed sound shocking.

According to him, and this is bad, meal time really sucks. He said they have spinach every meal. Not the leafy kind that tastes fairly good on salad, but the canned vinegar spinach that looks like pond moss. Spinach really sucks. To me this is stupid, serving it to these guys. It rubs them the wrong way, leads to mess hall riots, and tastes terrible.

As for the comfort of the cells, he didn't have much good to say either. The bars on the cells are unheated, so they're cold all the time. They have color TVs, but the tint is 100% pure green, and it's restricted to only religious channels. He spent a lot of time reading up on the law in the prison library, and says watching Pat Robertson an hour a day is unconstitutional, cruel and unusual punishment. Of course I agree with that.

Then there's the other prisoners. It's just like driving. It wouldn't be half bad if there were no other drivers on the road. The same goes for prison. All the coughing, farting, snoring, and clanging of tin cups against the unheated bars -- it's enough to drive you insane. If you weren't already a killer, it about pushes you over the edge.

He said the biggest thing people ask him about is the sex. Is prison sex as bad as everyone makes it out to be? My teeth were chattering 100 mph, because I've always heard it was pretty bad. But he said no, actually sex is one of the best things. As long as you're discreet, you're always getting plenty, and everyone expects it. They're cool with it. Even the guards are cool if you don't make a nuisance of yourself.

According to him, you can pair off, which is good for your personal security. Or you can join in swinging group sessions, with your mate's permission, and it can even include some of the wilder guards, too, if you want. He says it's all very kinky and very hot. Which is good, because you don't want to be denied, especially if you have nothing else to live for.

I've been thinking it over. Do I really want to pursue a life of crime? I could quit right now. I haven't done anything so bad yet. Certainly I haven't been caught, let alone charged with anything. Listening to this guy, the thought definitely came to me, I could walk away right now and go back to my normal life. It was almost enough to scare me straight.

That just about happened, but not quite. Yes, eating spinach at every meal is a complete turn-off. And the unheated bars, that's bad, but it's not a deal-breaker. It's hard to imagine, but you have to expect some inconvenience. Then there's the green tinted TVs and only religious channels. For me, I don't watch much TV anyway. And I could probably plug my ears when Pat Robertson was on. It's bad but I could probably work around it.

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